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Thursday, November 1, 2012

Day 31

Sunset-I have beenv trying since yesterday to get a sunset. Because of Hurricaine Sandy though we haven't seen the sun in a while.

I'm glad I did this project. While some days it made me revisit memories that I like to tuck away, others it made me remember the good times I had through out my pregnancy and Gavin's much too short life. Thanks to Carly Marie for creating this way to release many angel mommies across the globes grief.

I will always love and miss you my sweet baby. Until we meet again.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Day 30

Day 30. Your Grief – Tell The World-Not the best picture but I had to have it taken at work in the early morning because Brad was at work late last night.

Since Blogger insists on making the picture so small I will write what it says:
"Though you may feel like the only mommy whose heart is broken in two, I walk this path with you along with millions on mommies too. For all you angel mommies I want to make it known, no matter how bad you feel, You are never alone."

I love you my angel: Gavin Alexander

Monday, October 29, 2012

Day 29

Day 29. Music- This is easy for me. When I had Gavin this song came out. It was a fun song to sing along to before his death but after it meant so much more. I changed it to my ringback tone ( a song when you call someones phone) because I wanted people to know how I felt. I needed a miracle, a dream, a wish. My mom says she cries when it comes on the radio. Sometimes I do, sometimes I think about how far I have come. Either way this song reminds me of my baby and is special to me.

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now, a wish right now, a wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now, a wish right now, a wish right now

I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this."

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Day 28

Day 28. Memory-This is a good memory that replays in my head the most. It was a beautiful day outside, I just got my check finally for medical leave and I was going to buy my baby some clothes. Since he was premature and it was very hot for that type of year he needed things I hadn't prepared for. Gavin and I were lying on the couch trying to stay cool. I remember looking at him thinking "Wow he is really mine, I created this beautiful boy." I held him close as I sang "Mommy and Gavin will be best friends forever, best friends forever, best friends forever, Mommy and Gavin will be best friends forever and I will never let him go." I always make up songs to sing to my babies. This one sticks with me of course. We were supposed to be together forever. That day replays in my head a lot. I was so happy and full of joy. I was lighthearted, care-free and just so happy to have my baby home. I truly love every moment of motherhood. I didn't mind waking up in the middle of the night because it meant I got to hold my baby. Usually I was up before him waiting for him to get up. I When I finally got to take Gavin home his student Dr. doing his residency said he was off to the PICU. He said "I will never see you guys there. Go home and enjoy your baby." So many things that I now look back as premonitions. Why didn't I realize the signs? Maybe if I did he would still be here.

O.K. so I got off track but every memory has a story and there is so much I want to write about Gavin so it is never forgotten. 

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Days 21-27

So once again I am way behind. Blake has been a bit sick and teething. Plus a million other things have been going on. I started this though and I want to finish it.

Day 21. Altar/Shrine/Sacred Space-It is much to wet outside to show my garden and most of my flowers have died. This is in my living room. I do have a shelf that was in my old house that holds much more but that is one more thing we haven't gotten around to putting up. So here is my shrine. On the left is a photo collage I created days after Gavin died. After his funeral I bought the angel in front of it. It is hard to see put it is a baby angel holding a star, on the bottom it reads "You Are My Shining Star" people who follow my blog know the importance of this. In the middle is a rose that plays music. On the right Is the frame I got from my mother my 1st Mother's Day without Gavin. It reads "To The Best Mommy In The World, Gavin." The Angel in front I got last Mother's day. She is holding a baby boy


Day 22. Place of Care/Birth- I refuse to talk about the place and Dr. that were supposed to care for me during my pregnancy, birth. Here are the people who were there during my pregnancy and labor. My boyfriend, Mother and Best Friend. The one with my mom and friend are from my baby shower for Gavin so I find them quite fitting.


Day 23. Their Name/Their Photo- Here is my baby, my angel, my love, Gavin Alexander.

Day 24. Siblings-Here are Gavin's Brother's. Aiden is the eldest and loved him so much. It broke my heart after Gavin died and he was too little to understand where his baby brother went. He would pull my hand in to the room to look in the bassinet and say baby to me. Every morning he would be so excited to wake up and see Gavin. Blake was born after Gavin so he is the little brother. As they get older I will share everything about Gavin with them so he can live on even when I am gone.

Day 25. Baby Shower/Blessing- I am cheating again and sharing two. The first is of myself, cousins, mom, aunt, grandma and baby sister. The second is with my sister. She was so excited for Gavin's arrival she took a class and learned how to make him a bunny. God what I would do to be taken back to this day. I remember everything about it. What a beautiful day who could have guessed.


Day 26. Their Age- This is how old he was when we took him off of life support.


Day 27. Artwork- I wanted to buy a sign with this quote to hang in Gavin's room. I never got that chance. I thought well I will buy one for Blake's room and it will be for the both of them. For some reason I feel as if I am betraying Gavin though. So tough to be a bereaved momma, you never know what is right.


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Days 18-20

Yeah I totally suck at this. It is hard to blog with a one year old, an almost four year old and my new 7 week old puppy. On top of a full time job!

Day 18. Your Family Portrait-This one I am going to have to cheat on a little, since I am in my pjs and home alone with the kids anyways. The tops is the most recent picture of my family now. The bottom is Blake, holding his brother Gavin's picture. This is my family.

Day 19. Project-The project I want to work on is Gavin's scrap book. I know it has been two years but it is still hard seeing the newspaper we saved on the day he was born, the first time I looked at his and the last day he was alive. My mother and I plan to get good and drunk this winter and work on it though. I am not sure I can do it alone. I have a lot of the stuff that goes in it since I bought the supplies while I was pregnant/he was alive. Now I just have to make myself do it.

Day 20. Charity/Organization- Again this is where I suck at taking pictures. My favorite charity is the Stella B. Foundation. They help families with very sick, terminally ill or those who have passed by paying some of their bills that are stacking up at home. The social worker at the hospital asked if I wanted to sign up and I just did whatever she said like a zombie. Turns out we were the first ones they gave money to. I never realized the work it takes to start you own charity. They are now my dear friend and I am so glad I met them. The charity is named after their daughter who passed away from a cancerous tumor in her abdomen. I wish I got to meet her, I know she was the sweetest thing with the caring parents she has.


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Day 17

Day 17. Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates-On Gavin's birthday we always go to his grave, put things out then release balloons. Afterwards we go out for lunch. I do not feel like taking pictures on that day. This year I was in the hospital getting an awful surgery done on Gavin's actual birthday. As soon as I was released I told Brad to take me to the store to get things for his grave, also the biggest ballon I could find to write on and release. Blake his baby brother was with us and I decided to take pictures of him at the site. Although it may not be Gavin's actual birthday it is the best I could do.

Day 16

Day 16. Release- I am cheating a bit here because this was done a few weeks ago. Between some health issues I am having and my son's birthday party I am one busy girl. Here are the butterfly balloons we released for Gavin. I finally got a paper lantern and am waiting for one more nice day to release it. I usually save those things for certain occasions but I am going to do it so he can celebrate his brother's birthday with us.

Day 15

Day 15. WAVE of LIGHT- October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. The goal is that everyone at 7 pm, whatever time zone you are in, light a candle in memory of our angel thus creating a "Wave of Light." I told my family to light a candle. I did at exactly 7:00 pm EST. I was watching the clock and was just about to take out my new puppy when I realized the time. I lit my candle at 7 'oclock on the dot here is my picture and what I wrote along with it.

"To all my angel mommas this is for you. Whether it be a miscarriage, loss, stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy, infant death (even child death I think should be included) all of us have walked a path we never thought we would have to. A path we didn't ever dream we would go down. One we shouldn't have had to travel. Our hearts are heavy, souls tired but we keep going loving our angels so much that they
feel it in Heaven. To mother an angel is one of the hardest jobs. Gavin will never be replaced and will always be with me. As his brother's birthday draws near I can't help but wonder what it would be like for them to get to celebrate together. Not a moment goes by that I am not thinking of him. I love everyone I've met along the way, although I wish it was under different circumstances. You are beautiful, wonderful, strong, women. Thank you for your support, love and for always being there. I love you all. I love you too Gavin and always will. I will never stop talking about you or "get over your death". As I always say until we meet again baby boy my heart will not be whole. I hope you've made many baby friends in Heaven as I have bereaved moms. "You are my sunshine" love you baby. To those reading this I hope you can educate yourself a bit about how many of us there are and how deep we hurt. If you haven't walked in someone's shoes you can not know how they truly feel."

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Day 14

Day 14. Community-I actually attend many different things with the bereaved community. Some things are not appropriate to take pictures at. I have to get better at taking pictures at the ones that I can though. There is "A Night To Remember" which is a huge raffle that you can bring your own drinks/snacks to, it's a fun gathering. Then there is a ceremony at the church which is a remembrance of our lost babies, there is a few walks I do, a spaghetti dinner and the big walk is "A Walk To Remember." I actually just went to it two weekends ago with my son and mother. Here we are with Gavin's sign and the balloons we released for him. We also watch a releasing of the doves, write notes on a banner, hear songs, poems, bury notes under a tree, eat together and then walk the path of our babies names. I find it very healing to have a day where I can release my grief with many others that feel the same exact way as I do.


Day 13

Day 13. Signs-I did talk about my favorite sign from my angel which was my shooting star. There is another one I have. I love LED light up things. One year I bought snowflakes for the windows that lit up, I also had a light up heart I got at a carnival (yes I am a big kid at heart and my grandma was buying all the kids one during fireworks so I got one), lastly I have one of those globes you hold where the lights spin around. Especially right after Gavin died, they would go off all the time. It doesn't happen as often but every once in a while they do. Especially when I am having a really hard day. I take it as him saying I am o.k. mom.

(Sorry I am kind of cheating on the last two because the baby is asleep and my camera is in the room.)


Day 12

Day 12. Scents- The detergent Dreft is what reminds me of Gavin. As I prepared for his arrival I washed all of his clothing and linens in it. After he was born, I would wrap him in his Dreft smelling blankets and cuddle him. After his passing I rewashed some of the blankets and even some of mine in it. When I was pregnant with Blake as I washed his clothes in the same detergent all I could think of was my baby. I would wear it as perfume if I could.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Day 11

Day 11. Supportive Friends/Family-My biggest supporters family wise are my Grandma, Momma and even as much as she is able my 13 year old sister. I can always call the, cry to them, my sister held my hand so much through the wake and funeral. Or she would sit on my lap and always randomly hugs me. I am not sure what I would do with out them because we all know how men are with their feelings. This is a picture of all of us at my baby shower, I had Gavin a few days later.


Day 10

Day 10. Symbol-I of course think angels and especially baby angels are beautiful. They will always remind me of my son. However that is not his symbol I would choose. Stars and shooting stars and what reminds me of him. After his passing I would often sit on the back porch and there was a star that shined so bright and even during cloudy nights I could see it. I began to call it my Gavin star. Whenever I wanted to talk to him, I would go outside look up at that star and say whatever was on my mind. When I was very close to having Blake I looked up at that star and asked Gavin for a sign. A sign that not only meant he was o.k. but that he knew his baby brother in no way could every replace him. That my love for him would never fade or would I ever forget about him. As soon as I stopped talking a shooting star went across my Gavin star. Living in the city seeing those is extremely rare. So When ever I see a shooting star or any bright star object I think of him.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Day 9

Day 9. Special Place- I love to be by the water, whether it is on the beach, by the marina or even at a restaurant. When I was pregnant with Gavin I couldn't wait to take him to all of these places. I wanted him to run in the sand, feel the sun beat down on his skin, splash in the water and just be a kid. I did get to take him on a few walks but it was too cold to take him by the water. After he died Brad and I would go to the marina often. We would sit in silence as we looked out at the other kids playing and the sun setting so beautifully. I would sit and look at them trying to contemplate why we had been put through this Hell. It was the only place I found some peace. I couldn't help but cry though knowing my baby would never experience it. He would never see a sunset across the water. I still go the marina often and every time I think of my baby. The strangest things can make you think of your angels and this is one of them. I took this picture our first time at the marina after Gavin died.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Day 8

Day 8. Jewelery- I have a few pieces that are very special. This piece I hold dear to my heart. My cousin and I were never super close due to our age gap. Once we became FB friends we started to talk often. She is very supportive of me, listens when I need it and always says or  does the kindest things. For what should have been Gavin's 2nd birthday this year I was in the hospital getting that dreaded gallbladder surgery that just about killed me. I was beyond miserable that I could not be at his grave. I did pack his pictures with me though so I could at least stare at his face. Anyways, my cousin didn't call any of us but just got in her car and drove to see me which is a several hour drive, all by her self at night time. Not only that but she gave me this charm for my angel's birthday. On the outside it looks like the Holy Bible but on the inside it's an angel mommy watching over her baby. I picture Gavin as a baby in Heaven still. I feel like he has someone up there taking care of him until I arrive. That angel will be me one day when I am reunited with my baby boy.

Day 7

Day 7. What To Say: Ah now this is where it gets harder. Even after losing Gavin I find I am at a loss for words on what to say to other bereaved moms sometimes. So instead of talking I let them know I am there to listen. That is the best thing you can do for us. Just let us cry, vent, grieve and no matter what we say never suggest counseling!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Day 6

Day 6 What Not To Say- It was really hard to choose just one thing. What I chose irritates me the most. I have had more than I can handle. I had my son die, my health deteriorate, Brad losing his job because of lay offs mores then once (even while I was in labor with Blake), our car break many times, a life threatening surgery and so many more all within a 2 year span. Losing my precious, beautiful son was way more then I could/can handle. think before you speak and if you haven't walked in someone's shoes be careful what you say.


Capture Your Grief Days 1-5

I was a bit upset because I had been wanting to do the CarlyMarie Capture Your Grief project but October snuck up on me and I missed day 1. I decided today I am just going to play catch up because I really want to be a part of this. So here are the days I missed. Also here is the link if you want to join too.
Day 1. Sunrise-I live in a city so it's hard to get beautiful sunrise shots. Today is a pretty gloomy day too. So the sun didn't even peek out until about 10:00 a.m. So my shot isn't the best "sunrise" shot but it is the sun. I am from the United States and living in NY.

Day 2. Before Loss Self Portrait-This picture is very meaningful. Although it just looks like me standing in a kitchen. I was getting ready to go to a concert with my boyfriend and friends. I was excited, happy and this smile you see is real. This was a carefree girl that when she smiled she meant it. It  is also meaningful because it was the night my angel Gavin was conceived. 

Day 3. After Loss Self Portrait- Close to two months after Gavin died the annual Italian festival was going on. At the time we lived where it was at the bottom of our street. I had always wanted to live close enough to a carnival that I could walk around it everyday. I love to people watch and just be outside in the sun. Go figure the year it happened is the year I lost my son. I did not want to go at all. Previous years I went and ate all an Italian girls favorite food, rode rides and drank wine slushies. This year I wanted to hide in my house. One night my best friend and her boyfriend decided they would drag Brad and I out whether we liked it or not. This is a girl with a heavy heart, broken soul and that smile is fake. I did NOT want a picture taken but my girlfriend insisted.


Day 4. Most Treasured Item- I have a few of these but I would have to say Gavin's hand print is the most important. I take it out when I need a good cry and look at each indent, I touch the finger tips and I wish so badly it was his hand, not a clay mold I was holding.

Day 5. Memorial- This is the first charity event/remembrance event my family and I attended. It is called "A Walk To Remember." You want the honest truth? I was so numb at this point I don't remember much of the walk. It is really weird because I have a very sharp memory. The walk took place in October, 4 months after Gavin died. It was sinking in then that my baby wasn't coming back. That this was my life. Instead of attending birthday parties and events with my son, I would be doing them in his honor. Tomorrow (10/07/12) is the walk again. I didn't go last year because it was very close to my due date of my rainbow baby and I was already a mess. I am a little nervous about going tomorrow but I also know I need some healing.


Monday, September 24, 2012


Let me start out with the good things. I have a healthy, beautiful boy who will be turning one next month. Can you believe it? I can't. I know they say "time flies when you are having fun" but this was at jet speed. I still remember his face as they pulled him out and my tears of joy that he was alive. Not that I will ever forget that but it seems like it was only a few months ago, certainly not a year ago. I guess I knew it would go quickly since it seems like just yesterday Aiden was a little toddler and I was pregnant with Gavin. Here we are though it's the final countdown until my baby is no longer counted in months.

I went shopping for Blake (and Aiden too) yesterday since he is forever growing taller. Plus he needed fall clothes because this year we didn't get lucky and have a warm September. Everyone in Carter's was either pregnant or had a very tiny baby. Which is the norm for that store. However lately it has been giving me baby fever. All I could think of is I can't wait until I do this again. I want to have two more babies. (God willing) Two more beautiful babies that will have first teeth, steps, birthdays and days of school. (Not anytime soon but down the road) Just like Blake has and will. Then I went over to Aiden's side of clothes. Which is also where they have the sale racks. As I looked up the preemie clothes caught my eye. Then Gavin and his short life flashed before me. I quickly went to the register, cashed out, got in the car and cried. My tiny baby was that small. My beautiful boy never got to be on the big boy side of the store. My sweet Gavin is gone.

Brad wasn't sure what triggered my meltdown so I told him. I don't think he quite got it but we sat there together before finishing our errands as I got myself together. This is the problem though I can never seem to get myself together these days. At one point I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I had hope that I didn't have to live out the rest of my days is misery. I'm not sure if that is possible anymore. When with family, Blake or friends everything is o.k. It's when I have time to think by myself that I fall apart. Maybe me medication is backfiring on me? Or maybe this is how things will always be.

All I know is this can't go on forever. I have to learn how to pick these pieces back up and even if they are held together with tape and glue, it's better then lying on the floor. Such a crap life the bereaved mother has. I should be totally focused on planning a birthday party and instead I am just trying to make it through each day. I am completely broken and since Gavin will never come back, I have to find another way to fix it.

Blakey Is So Big

In His Lion Hat Made By Gramma

Looking Like A Baby Tourist On Memorial Day

Having Fun At The Fair

At The Carnival Giving A Teethy Grin


With His Girlfriend

Friday, August 31, 2012

Everyone Has Problems

I have had a shitty time lately. I have been very depressed and anxious. I may need to make some switches at the Dr. or it just may be how I will always feel. Who knows? I mean I don't mope around at all times. I play with my kids, take walks with them (which by the way helped me to lose 61 pounds!), I go places with my family and Brad. During those times I am o.k. It is when I am alone, at work or with out adult interaction I find myself very sad. When I am inside my own head it is a scary, dark place.

It is not just the loss of Gavin that is causing this pain. Two weeks ago we found out my little brother has a hole in his heart. How this was missed for 16 years I am not sure, but it was. My mom got the news while we were at work. She didn't want many people to know so I had to pretty much keep my face turned as the tears streamed down my face. Next week we find out if he can have a plug placed in through his leg or will have open heart surgery. Of course I am praying the latter isn't needed. With today's technologies and the wonderful hospital he is is going to I just know he will be alright no matter what. It's just when you have had a loss, you are in a new reality where you know bad things don't just happen on t.v. shows, movies and the news. A bad thing happened in my home, to my beautiful son. My brother is a healthy, young boy and he will be just fine but it is still scary. I am sad he has to go through a surgery though, that he has to be scared, that my parents have to worry and that we just can't catch a fucking break.

Then this past weekend I went to my best friend's father's benefit. He has stage four brain cancer and although was given a grave diagnosis he is still here 19 months later. Her and I have drifted apart over the years. We still talk every day but don't see each other often. Which is what happens when you grow up and have kids like we do. In June was her son's birthday and the first time I had seen her father pretty much since he was diagnosed. Although he was skinny and didn't look like himself he was walking, talking and having beers with everyone. I have known her for a long time and have always lovingly referred to him as dad. He has always been a generous, proud, hard working, loving, wonderful man. Who has not only taken care of his daughters, wife and grand kids but others in his family and friends as well. Cancer has taken that all away from him. The ability to be the strong man he always was is gone. I remember being in high school and him giving us his credit card to go buy some clothes. Or how he would invite me to family events even if my friend was on vacation. Or how he treated me just like I really was his daughter when ever I was around. Well a few weeks ago he had a surgery to remove one of his tumors. It didn't go well and he got a terrible infection. Something that if by God's grace he lives for a long time will keep on coming back for the rest of his life. My friend has told me he couldn't walk, or barely move or talk on his own but I didn't see it for myself until this weekend. When I walked in to the benefit I saw a once big, tall, strong man, now very small,weak, wheelchair bound, with eyes that couldn't stay open. The first time I gave him a kiss I had to walk away so I could cry a few times in the corner, he didn't know me at first either. The second time I approached him I put my hand on his and said "I love you dad and he said I love you Steph." I then went home and cried myself to sleep. I also prayed long and hard that God could just perform a miracle and give this man his life back. Cancer also took away my great grandfather (my only grandfather in my life) but I thank God didn't have to see him sick. So my memories are of him are of the happy he man he always was. My great grandma is actually still alive and in her 90's.

This week I was talking with a coworker who knew about my brother, I told her about my "dad" and just how I miss my son. Her response was something ignorant and then "You know everyone has problems." She is not the first to say this to me. Oh no she is one of many, so many I can't count. Yes everyone has problems. FIXABLE problems for most. Like if you are in debt, you can get another job, if your car breaks, you can fix it, if you are unhappy at work, you can choose a new career. When your child dies it can not be fixed. Your heart does not mend, no matter how much you beg, plead, cry, scream they don't come back an no matter how much time passes you never ever stop missing them with every fiber of your being. Although you do start to laugh again, have more kids, smile, whatever it is that makes them think you are "fixed" you are not. Us bereaved mother's are broken and desperately trying to put back the pieces.

It seems every time I glue one of those pieces back together, another one falls off. Whoever put this dark cloud over my life can remove it now. I never expect to be myself again but I would like a break from the constant bad news and terrible things that keep on happening.

I miss you so much Gavin and each day I miss you even more. I love you so much my strong, beautiful baby, who should be a toddler right now. What I wouldn't give to hold you one more time. Momma loves you baby boy, I really, really, do. You are my sunshine baby boy and with out you things will never be the same. 

Thursday, August 16, 2012

From My Angel

I know you're tired and sad, your heart is broke, your mind is mad.
I don't want you to cry anymore because I am in a beautiful place.
Where everything is peaceful and I always get to look down and see your face.
When you cry at night and sing to me
I'm right there holding your hand.
I know you feel alone,
like no one can understand.
There's lot of people that hurt with you
they just don't always show it.
There's lots of people thinking of you
more then you know it.
Don't live your life so hurt
And full of so much pain.
There will come a day when we are together again.
When that day comes
I will be here with my arms open too.
Until that happens just know
I'm always, always with you.


It was like my hand knew what to write this morning. I didn't have to think at all as the words poured on the page. I've been very sad lately. Thank you baby for this gift.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

To Remember Our Babies

I don't have much time to write (I will update hopefully tonight) but this website was brought to my attention. You can create a group, light a virtual candle, leave a message and it will stay lit for 36 hours. I was thinking on our hard days such as birthdays and the days are babies left us we can start a group and put it on our blogs.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Happy Birthday Gavin (late for a reason)

As my luck would have it I just got home from surgery a few days ago. It all started 2 Sundays ago. I woke up in the middle of the night with this annoying pain in my belly. I had been feeling off for weeks but wasn't sure why. This time the sick feeling wasn't going away. I really wanted to go to the E.R. as it got worse and I started to get really sick. The momma in me didn't want to wake Blake though or leave him for long so I waited until morning and called my primary. She got me in right away thank God. After a quick examination she sent me to the E.R. located in the same building as her office. She had the same thoughts as I did. My gallbladder was sick and needed out. The E.R. confirmed this but for some odd reason sent me home. They are just a small place where surgery doesn't take place but they do then transfer if it's needed.

At home things got worse and worse. My family wanted me to call my Dr. (This is now Tuesday night) on call. By this time my blood work was in. It showed my white blood cells were high and potassium dangerously low. She advised me to go right to the hospital. This E.R. admitted me right away after a few tests. It took ten hours to get to my room. Let's just say my first neighbor was not very classy. She was practically naked, very loud and would use her commode in front of me. Why she had one when she could walk fine I don't know but it was gross. She thankfully was discharged the next morning.

This is when the surgeons started to talk to me. They knew my gallbladder needed out but were afraid I had a stone somewhere. That would require a procedure before surgery. From Tuesday until Friday I was not allowed to drink or eat as I was given MRI's, x-rays and ultrasounds. Finally Friday morning the surgeons decided it was best just to take out my gallbladder. At this point I was so sick and thirsty I was glad to see an end in sight. Afterwards not so glad as I learned I had a very rough surgery and I was in crazy pain. My gallbladder was "bigger then the surgeon's head and had to be ripped out." After a few more awful days in the hospital I was finally discharged late Monday night. This was the worst experience I ever had nurse wise in the hospital and was so glad to come home to my baby.

What I was not happy about was missing Gavin's birthday. I had all these plans and decorations which were all stopped by my stupid body. I did cry for Gavin in the hospital and brought his picture but it wasn't the same. This weekend my family and I will go to his grave to celebrate with him and grieve for him. Brad and I will also go by ourselves. One family member did let it slip that they went but I was glad they did. I never want him to be alone on his birthday.

I saw your comments through my phone and thank you for them. Ashley I cried reading yours. I am so, so happy your beautiful family also celebrated with him by letting balloons go. It means the world to me. I also received a beautiful card from all the girls on my message board (not the bereaved one). I must admit I haven't been able to go through it all because when I cry really hard my staples pull. I will read it all, it is such a beautiful card.

Gavin I miss you so much my baby. I can't believe you should be two. I should be watching you walk, talk and grow. I love you, my heart aches for you and mommy will never be whole. I really, really, miss you my baby. Happy Birthday baby I love you so much.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Blake's 1st Easter

Holiday's suck for the bereaved mom. Even if she has other children there is still one stocking, still one place mat, still one basket missing. No matter how sad she is she has to hold it in so the other children don't have a bad time. If I have to cry on holidays I do so quietly in the other room. My brother, sister, two first cousins and step baby are all young. I do not want anyone fussing over me, I want it to be about the kids like it should be.

Easter wasn't bad though. I think since I had been sad the whole month of May knowing April was coming, then sad up until Easter my brain finally let me be content for a while. Of course Blake has no clue what Easter is but I pretended he did anyways. I hid his basket the night before then the next morning we looked all over the house for it. I sat him in his bumbo and gave him his plush bunny basket filled with toys. I also bought him some clothes but those don't quite fit in the Easter basket. Anyways, more then anything he was more interested in eating the grass.

Then Aiden came over and he is finally getting in to this holiday stuff. Heck if he knows he's getting candy and toys he's in. After that we went to grandma's (my mom) for dinner and the boys got spoiled all over again. I swear I really do need a second home for all the stuff these kids get. My family was always really big into holidays and love getting the kids everything they want.

All in all it was a good day.After we got the kids to bed, I sat outside looking for my Gavin star but the clouds were covering him.I sent him all my love anyways and talked with him for a while. After that I sat for a bit by myself and mourned what should of been.