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Monday, January 9, 2012

Until We Meet Again

I'm going to start writing poems again. I want to express my love, sorrow, happiness and pain for my boys through words. Today I am going to cheat and share a quote I really like by an unknown author.

"They say that time in Heaven is compared to "the blink of an eye" for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is doing that when he looks behind him, I'll already be there."

I want more then anything for this to be true. I hope by the time my sweet angel looks for me I will be right there by his side. <3 Love you Gavin. Each day I think of you and I hope you know that my sweet boy.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Blake's Hospital Scare

The Monday before Thanksgiving Blake woke up screaming. He was up all night and inconsolable. At about 6 am he finally fell back asleep but that was short lived. At this point he started feeling hot so I took his temperature, it was 99.9. Which I know isn't very high but I knew something wasn't right. I called my grandma and asked her to come over. I then called my pediatrician but learned she was on vacation. So my only option was to bring him to the nurse practitioner who I already knew was a complete idiot. Blake and I go to the same doctor's office. When my doctor was out I had to see that N.P. before and she was a real jerk.

I thought maybe she would be better with babies and after all I had to take him somewhere. At the doctor's office my poor baby screamed the whole time. He was obviously in pain, any person with half a brain could tell that. So in comes Nurse jackass. She takes Blake's temperature which was 100.1 now, looks him over briefly and then tells me "Oh he's fine. I think he's just a fussy baby." Now she knows about Gavin's death so I think she automatically dismissed me as an overly nervous mother. I explained to her that Blake is not a fussy baby, in fact he's a happy baby and I know something is wrong. I pleaded with her to look him over more but she told me to go home and call back if the fever got any higher.

When I got home I gave Blake a cool bath, put him in just a onesie and rocked him back to sleep. As he was sleeping I felt him getting warmer and warmer. I called Brad to take his temp and as I watched it rise past 102 and end a little over 103 I almost threw up. I called me mom who rushed over and her best friend who is a nurse. I didn't want to take him to the hospital. Not because I am selfish but because I was afraid he wouldn't come back out. Once my mom's friend told me to take him we immediately packed his stuff and left.

In the exam room I had to sit there helpless as they poked and prodded at my baby. I was crying so hard I could barely speak but had to pull it together to answer the nurses questions. The only thing that calmed me down was Blake was fascinated by the bright light. He stopped crying and was cooing at it. Next the nurses told me we needed to go to the PICU for some testing. They sat us in a room and told me my son would need a full workup which included a spinal tap. I thought I would die right then. I cried so hard I almost puked. I squeezed my son and kept telling Brad and my mom let's just run out of there. All I kept picturing was my dying son Gavin on his hospital bed. I am not quite sure how I survived Gavin's death but surely I would not survive if it happened again.

Luckily I had really amazing doctors and nurses. As I held Blake tight the doctor asked me if I was religious. When I said yes she asked if we could pray together. She hugged Blake and I as she said a prayer that he would be o.k. Then they took Blake into the room where he would get all his tests done. I wanted to go but they warned me not to. So instead I sat outside the door hysterical, helpless as my son cried harder then he ever had before.

While in the hospital Blake was given two kinds of antibiotics that would basically kill anything he might have. We were there for four days and I didn't sleep more then a few minutes at a time when others were there. My baby was sick and he needed his mama's snuggles. Thursday morning was Thanksgiving. I really wanted to be out for Blake's first holiday. Most importantly I wanted to know he was healthy. It seemed forever for the Dr. to come in. When he did he gave us the most wonderful news. Blake did not have anything serious just a little virus. He then gave us the o.k. to go home and spend the holiday with our family.

Thanksgiving was very special this year. Not only did I have Blake to celebrate with but he was healthy too! I think Gavin watched out for his brother those few days. Actually I know he is always watching out for him. Blake is a lucky boy he has the most beautiful guardian angel in the world.

My heart still hurts for Gavin everyday and it hurts even more that Blake will never know his brother. I cam acorss this quote the other day and it brought me some comfort. I hope it does the same for all you other bereaved parents.


They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye'
for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child
running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and
butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is
doing that when he looks behind him, I'll already be there."