I have had a shitty time lately. I have been very depressed and anxious. I may need to make some switches at the Dr. or it just may be how I will always feel. Who knows? I mean I don't mope around at all times. I play with my kids, take walks with them (which by the way helped me to lose 61 pounds!), I go places with my family and Brad. During those times I am o.k. It is when I am alone, at work or with out adult interaction I find myself very sad. When I am inside my own head it is a scary, dark place.
It is not just the loss of Gavin that is causing this pain. Two weeks ago we found out my little brother has a hole in his heart. How this was missed for 16 years I am not sure, but it was. My mom got the news while we were at work. She didn't want many people to know so I had to pretty much keep my face turned as the tears streamed down my face. Next week we find out if he can have a plug placed in through his leg or will have open heart surgery. Of course I am praying the latter isn't needed. With today's technologies and the wonderful hospital he is is going to I just know he will be alright no matter what. It's just when you have had a loss, you are in a new reality where you know bad things don't just happen on t.v. shows, movies and the news. A bad thing happened in my home, to my beautiful son. My brother is a healthy, young boy and he will be just fine but it is still scary. I am sad he has to go through a surgery though, that he has to be scared, that my parents have to worry and that we just can't catch a fucking break.
Then this past weekend I went to my best friend's father's benefit. He has stage four brain cancer and although was given a grave diagnosis he is still here 19 months later. Her and I have drifted apart over the years. We still talk every day but don't see each other often. Which is what happens when you grow up and have kids like we do. In June was her son's birthday and the first time I had seen her father pretty much since he was diagnosed. Although he was skinny and didn't look like himself he was walking, talking and having beers with everyone. I have known her for a long time and have always lovingly referred to him as dad. He has always been a generous, proud, hard working, loving, wonderful man. Who has not only taken care of his daughters, wife and grand kids but others in his family and friends as well. Cancer has taken that all away from him. The ability to be the strong man he always was is gone. I remember being in high school and him giving us his credit card to go buy some clothes. Or how he would invite me to family events even if my friend was on vacation. Or how he treated me just like I really was his daughter when ever I was around. Well a few weeks ago he had a surgery to remove one of his tumors. It didn't go well and he got a terrible infection. Something that if by God's grace he lives for a long time will keep on coming back for the rest of his life. My friend has told me he couldn't walk, or barely move or talk on his own but I didn't see it for myself until this weekend. When I walked in to the benefit I saw a once big, tall, strong man, now very small,weak, wheelchair bound, with eyes that couldn't stay open. The first time I gave him a kiss I had to walk away so I could cry a few times in the corner, he didn't know me at first either. The second time I approached him I put my hand on his and said "I love you dad and he said I love you Steph." I then went home and cried myself to sleep. I also prayed long and hard that God could just perform a miracle and give this man his life back. Cancer also took away my great grandfather (my only grandfather in my life) but I thank God didn't have to see him sick. So my memories are of him are of the happy he man he always was. My great grandma is actually still alive and in her 90's.
This week I was talking with a coworker who knew about my brother, I told her about my "dad" and just how I miss my son. Her response was something ignorant and then "You know everyone has problems." She is not the first to say this to me. Oh no she is one of many, so many I can't count. Yes everyone has problems. FIXABLE problems for most. Like if you are in debt, you can get another job, if your car breaks, you can fix it, if you are unhappy at work, you can choose a new career. When your child dies it can not be fixed. Your heart does not mend, no matter how much you beg, plead, cry, scream they don't come back an no matter how much time passes you never ever stop missing them with every fiber of your being. Although you do start to laugh again, have more kids, smile, whatever it is that makes them think you are "fixed" you are not. Us bereaved mother's are broken and desperately trying to put back the pieces.
It seems every time I glue one of those pieces back together, another one falls off. Whoever put this dark cloud over my life can remove it now. I never expect to be myself again but I would like a break from the constant bad news and terrible things that keep on happening.
I miss you so much Gavin and each day I miss you even more. I love you so much my strong, beautiful baby, who should be a toddler right now. What I wouldn't give to hold you one more time. Momma loves you baby boy, I really, really, do. You are my sunshine baby boy and with out you things will never be the same.