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Friday, April 29, 2011

Gavin Alexander

This is a video I took ( even though I wasn't supposed to) while at the hospital with my baby. It's the only video I have of him. I wish I would have taken more, I thought I had more time.

My Baby In Heaven

Here is my baby the day after I had him. I know all the tubes look awful but they were just breathing tubes and monitors. Either way after I pushed him out and they wheeled me into him I burst into tears. I just seen my helpless, sweet angel in this plastic crib with tubes everywhere and lost it. I just wanted to hold my baby and I couldn't. All of that work pushing him out, carrying him for eight months and I couldn't even hold him close. I was devastated to say the least. There was no getting around the situation though, so I made the best of it. I sat next to my baby with the crib side down and I would rub his back, legs, feet (which he loved) and sing or read to him. I would kiss him all over his beautiful little baby body. I sat in that rocking chair next to him until my butt was asleep, I would walk around for a minute and run right back. You couldn't keep me away from him, no matter how many nurses said I needed my rest. I would rest later I told them, I am not leaving my son alone. Many people came to visit him, their reaction all the same. They would burst into tears and look at me with those eyes full of pity. I would always reassure them my baby was just fine and they were worrying for nothing.

I was right he was fine and he pulled through. He was a strong amazing boy and such a fighter. I am so proud to say I am Gavin's mom.

Yesterday I sat at his grave with my family despite the high winds. We left a flower, a balloon, and some decorations. My family all huddled up and cried. I though to myself why us? We are good people and we loved our baby. After a while we left and went to and odds and ends store. One of those that has lots of random things. It's what we did the day after his funeral too. I guess looking at all the random things gives your mind something to think about. We walked around forever and purchased random things.

Earlier I asked my friends to light a candle to remember Gavin's birthday. Thanks to Susan who has the best ideas and advice. When I got home I noticed my phone going off a lot. People actually did it! They sent pictures or posted them on facebook too. I cried so hard knowing he could see those candles for him in heaven. I hope my baby looked down from his cloud and seen how much we all love him.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Happy Birthday Gavin

On this day, this morning just an hour from now I gave birth to my son. When they  put that baby  on my chest and he looked up at me I knew my life forever changed. I just didn't know how it would change. I can't believe he isn't here with my on his first birthday. Nobody should spend their first birthday in Heaven. I love you Gavin and Happy Birthday Baby.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

My Tiny Angel

Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so". 
(Author Unknown)

Tomorrow is April 28th, the day Gavin came into this world. Once the happiest day in my life is now a day I dread. Right now I should be wrapping gifts, cleaning my house, going to the store for a cake and preparing for my beautiful baby to turn one. I am instead at work holding back tears. When I get out it won't be to shop for last minute decorations for a party but ones for a grave. Tomorrow I will sit with him and talk, cry and apologize that I could not save him. A mother should be able to protect their baby from anything, I failed as a mother. That is the hardest part is knowing I didn't save him, that I couldn't, I sat watching helplessly as he slipped away from me. No amount of tears, screams, or prayers kept him here.

I was supposed to watch my baby grow, learn to talk, takes his first steps, laugh and play not bury him.I can't help but wonder what he would look like? What would he know how to do at one? Would his big brother Aiden be his protector? I won't get to find those things out ever. My baby boy will celebrate his first birthday in heaven. While I sit here in hell wishing to join him.

Nobody even seems to remember that it's his birthday tomorrow, besides my immediate family. My best friend who sat with me while I was in labor and I made her the God mother hasn't said a word. She instead is bitching to me about her baby registry. I can't help but hate her knowing her biggest problem is what she will get for her shower. Or for the fact that I thought enough of her to make her my son's God mother and she can't think enough of him to mention his name.

I love you Gavin you were the most beautiful boy in the world. I love you with my whole heart and the day you died I did too. I will never be the same without you here. I look forward to the day we meet again.


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

How Can Life Be So Unfair?

Life is unfair, this hand I have been dealt is unfair. I am dying without my baby. What I wouldn't do to see him again. I am so uncomfortable today from the pain of him not being here. I want to hold him and never let him go. My sweet baby, why him? Why did he have to be ripped from me? I should be celebrating his 1st birthday not mourning his death. I shouldn't have to sit here at work and listen to people complain about things that are so ridiculous. As if they know what pain feels like. It's not their fault and I am glad they don't have to feel like me. My beautiful boy I love you and am so lost right now.

A Ghost of Stephanie Past

I can't help but think tomorrow is one day from when I went into labor. Just sitting in front of my mirror doing my makeup I thought I was on my way out with my BF for one of our last times before Gavin. To my surprise when I stood up water flowed out. I thought did I just pee? I never went in my pants before but I know pregnant women have accidents. Then I realized this is way too much water. As my BF ran around like a crazy person, I got my bag together (which I had planned on doing the next day), called my best friend and parents, changed my soaked pants a million times (finally I shoved a wash cloth there) and we were off. I remember sitting in the car thinking is this real? Is he coming already? It's too early, I hope everything is o.k. I know everything is o.k. I looked down at my boobs, God I look like a porn star! When did my boobs get bigger! I didn't realize how big and hard they would get. Crazy that's what I was thinking at the time but in that moment Gavin and the pregnancy were so very real. The drive was short to the hospital and it seemed even shorter. Here we go I thought..My BF was supposed to park the car in front and the attendant would valet it. He instead let me out and drove around like a crazy person. I went inside and tried calling him when I seen he drove away from the valet. I could see he was nervous too! Finally he came in it red faced from running from the car with my lovey in tow. Up to the labor and delivery floor we went. Accompanied by my mother, BF and best friend I sat in that hospital, in a painful labor for a long time.

I remember thinking how am I going to push this baby out? This is really happening and it's going to hurt. But I can't wait to finally meet my little boy so I have to endure whatever pain is thrown at me. It's time to put on my brave face and push! I may have screamed, cursed, and cried but I was focused on bringing my baby into the world. After a long labor I finally did just that. Pain was never more worth it. When they put him on my chest and I seen that little muffin I cried. He was beautiful.

The weather today reminds me so much of last year. It's finally getting warm out, people are in great moods spending their days outside. The whole world is doing something, going somewhere. Last year I was apart of that busy, living world. I am a ghost of that girl now. I have died, came back and am watching my loved ones from a distance. I would love to reach out to them, to join them again. I never realized how pain free my life was and how bad I could really have it.

I felt pain for others when I heard sad stories. I actually read a story about a couple on twitter who had a very ill daughter while I was pregnant. I followed them and prayed for that little girl all the time. She eventually died and I couldn't get her out of my head. A little girl I never met but I felt such pain for her family. Nothing compared to what they felt but still I thought of them. I never ever thought it would be me. After all God doesn't give you more then you can handle right? Well I couldn't handle such a tragedy and he knew that. I don't believe in that saying anymore. God does not play us around like chess pieces, what happens to us he is not always responsible for. God doesn't go around taking our children away from us.

I have to hold it together for right now. People don't understand that I am still in pain. After all I am having a new baby right? New babies fix everything. They are so wrong. I can't very well cry at my desk all day and be labeled insane. It's time to put on my brave face again.

Monday, April 25, 2011


I am drowning today in a sea of tears and a sea of anxiety. I have flashbacks of my son over and over. His face, his cry, his smile, giving him a bath, or laying with him and cuddling. Then holding him after they took him off life support and thinking how will I ever go on? I am shaking, my heart is racing and I want to scream or break things or run into the street. No matter what has happened to me before Gavin, it was always able to be fixed. Death can not be fixed, he is not coming back. I am suffering without him but I won't get that sigh of relief that comes when a problem is solved. He is gone and I can not do anything about it. I have never felt so alone in my life. When the only thing that mattered is gone what are you supposed to do?

I have lost my mother as well, not literally but she was the only one left who felt the pain I did. My BF does not express emotions well. I know he hurts but it's not the same. He does not doubt how sad I am either. It seems my mother does, that she really doubts I am still sad or anxious. That I just need to bury it and move on. I know she is sad and misses Gavin but it seems when I am miserable and trying to talk to her about it she misses the point. She instead tells me how if I changed this or did that my life would be better. I do not care if I hit the lottery tomorrow and everything else just fell into place, my life would be the same. Empty.

I miss my son and nothing will ever change that. Not time, money, or people telling me to not be so sad. I am in a very dark place and it's very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Pumpkin is growing

I have to give a separate entry for my Pumpkin. I am now 14 weeks pregnant and baby is the size of a lemon! I am still pretty sick with a migraine. In a little while I am going to my primary to see what can be done. I just need it to go away! My next OB appointments aren't until May. I am craving a lot of bad things like Arby's but also good things like carrots. I always wear maternity pants now just because they are more comfy. I alternate between shirts though. I have a little bump still ( I will post pictures later). Other then that I can't wait until I can shop for Pumpkin after I find out what Pumpkin is!

Monday Already?

This weekend like every weekend just flew by. How was everyone's Easter? I had a pretty good Easter with my family and my lovey. That picture is my lovey and my brother. We went to my grandma's to eat, took a walk and had an egg hunt. Aiden got more toys and candy then he knows what to do with. He got four baskets plus a toy lawnmower just from my family, Brad and I. His mother told me he also got four baskets from her family! We don't give him a lot of candy though, mostly snacks that he likes and little toys. I am glad he keeps me so busy because holidays are that much harder if we don't get him.

I have such a huge anxiety before or around holidays, or everyday for that matter. It's just really hard especially when it's like everyone else has forgotten. Last year on Easter I was very pregnant and not long after I gave birth. To think how happy I was a year ago and full of excitement for my new baby to come. Now I am full of sadness and pain. My baby's birthday would be on this Thursday. I took the day off of work so I can sit with him at his grave, plant some flowers and talk to him. I always wonder when I am talking to him if he is listening. When a baby is in heaven can they hear their mother? Do they understand what you are saying to them? I hope so, I really, really do. Or does my son know I am lost without him? Or how everyday I am dying inside? Or how much I love him and always will?

I used to be happy if anyone remembers, things never made me so angry either. That girl died and I am a new person. I have to except my new self and so does everyone else. That girl died on June 1st and she's not coming back. If you don't like this new girl I understand and no one expects you to befriend her. You were friends with the old girl, this new one isn't the easiest to deal with. No one wants to think that you can possibly be as sad as I am, or that life can deal you some really shitty things that no matter what you do can't be fixed. Hell I can't even accept it yet either.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Happy Easter!

In case I get busy and don't go on here all weekend...I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Easter! What are your plans? I am going to eat with my family, we are going to the botanical gardens to see the animals and flowers, and also having an Easter egg hunt for the kiddies! I really hope we have warm weather. The weather is still pretty cold here. It's so crazy one year it's in the 80s for Easter the next it's snowing. We got my lovey a SpongeBob basket with toys and candy. I still will probably go shopping today and get him some more things. I know it's only Easter but in my family we love spoiling the children! I can't wait to eat some yummy ham and have ham leftovers for sandwiches. I crave that all the time.

As for my migraine it's still here. I called my OB and they said to tell my primary about it, so I will see her on Monday. Unless I end up in the ER sooner which I hope that's not the case. The only problem is when I see my primary she will probably say " Ask your OB what to do." So I will probably miss all day Monday trying to get them to agree. Missing work is what I am trying to avoid.

Ok that's all for now. So if I am not back in the next couple days:

Have A Happy Easter!!!

Migraine Please Go Away

I swear I am going to lose it. I have had the worst migraine for days. I am suffering at work right now. This is the worst migraine I have had in a long, long time. With Gavin I had one and I ended up in the hospital. It's time to call my doctor in a bit. He is against like any medication ever, usually I am too but this has to end. All I do is throw up right now. Sleeping isn't even an option because I just wake up every five minutes in pain :( I am going to try to do some work now, then hopefully my OB can help in a bit!

If these coworkers of mine don't shut up in the mean time, I really might lose it.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Presenting Little Pumkin

There is my Little Pumpkin 13 weeks 2 days! 2&1/2" long, heart beat 156, NT scan says everything is perfect so far :)

So Far So Good

Sorry I didn't tell about my scan until now. I got a high fever yesterday and spent the entire day hugging the toilet.Yay hormones! Anyways... I had an awesome scan yesterday! The baby measures one day ahead of schedule. Finally I got to actually hear the heartbeat not just see it. Nose bone was there, neck measures good, everything is perfect so far. My blood work will be back in a couple days. I got some awesome pictures too! The baby looks like a little person :) I will share pictures soon, I missed work so now I am slammed.

Thanks to everyone who was thinking about me!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

NT scan tomorrow :/

Tomorrow is my NT scan I am so nervous. After my doctor not being able to find Little Pumpkins heartbeat right away last time, I am scared it will happen again. Actually at my appointment my doctor gave me a sonogram after we sat there for a bit and still no heartbeat. The sonogram showed everything perfect. I couldn't believe the baby was so small but looked like a little person! Pumpkin was so active too it was crazy! Rolling all around and moving body parts everywhere. I could even see the heart flicker in pumpkin's chest. With Gavin I wasn't considered high risk so I only got two sonograms. Both with techs who went very fast and didn't explain much. Literally the first one I got showed his gender. I also didn't find out with him until I was 2 1/2 months. I used to always miss my periods and thought nothing of missing them then. Plus I spotted the first month a little and my body went through the motions of a period so it didn't occur to me at first.

I know I will be up all night worrying about everything! I am praying Little Pumpkin will be just perfect though.

Snow, Really ?!?!?

Yes that's right yesterday in this great town I live in it snowed! Disgusting!! It's April can't we get some warm weather now? Jeez. Anyways last night my BF and I had fun playing our new Wii games! Yes we are big kids at heart. We got DJ Hero 1 &2, Guitar Hero and some game he likes. DJ Hero is pretty entertaining, I am not a gamer but I like the interactive ones. I love my Dance, Dance Revolution and it gives me exercise too so it's a win. I like the distraction of them as well.

Next week will be my baby's birthday and I am losing it. I keep imagining him at one. What would he be doing? How big would he be? What would he look like? I still can't believe I won't get to live those things. I remember a few days before he died I was rocking him. It was beautiful outside and I was so happy to be with my baby. I was singing to him how we would be together forever. I can't get that out of my head. I miss him so much. I don't know what I will do when his birthday comes next week. Well I know what I will do lay at his grave and cry. I feel like I just had him, like I literally am going to go to the hospital and sit with him all day.

Time to do some work now. I hope this day goes by fast. This is the first day I got to hold Gavin. My BF is not the best picture taker.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Hello 2nd Trimester So Glad To See You

My baby is now the size of a peach! A rolly polly little peach! I am 13 weeks today my doctor considers that 2nd Tri so I do too. My symptoms have mostly subsided I just get a little nauseous here and there, my boob hurt like hell, and my migraine is still refusing to leave! The joys of pregnancy….I am just kidding it’s all worth it to me! I have my NT scan on Wednesday which is nerve wracking to me. I had one done with Gavin and worried until I got my results. Yesterday my mom told my grandma I was prego. She gave her usual blah response. She is very controlling and thinks all of us should like ask her permission before we do anything. No matter how old we are. No I am not married and I know that worries her but I have been with my BF for a while. We have a house, we have jobs, we don’t ask anyone for anything. We love each other and planned this baby. I didn’t exactly plan Gavin. I didn’t not plan him either if you know what I mean. He just came a little earlier then I imagined but he was perfect. The moment I found out I was pregnant I was thrilled! This time we worked hard to make this little muffin. It took longer then I thought. Either way she will get over it and love the baby. She wouldn’t ever leave Gavin’s side after he was born. She’s just old and set in her ways. One day my boyfriend and I will get married. She will still complain when we have more kids, it’s just her style.

I can’t believe it’s Monday already :( We seen Scream 4 last night on the big screen in the theaters. I thought it was good, I don’t like really bloody, gory movies. We also ate at Dairy Queen it was just what I have been craving! Chicken sandwich yum! Now the fun’s over back to work.  

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Lonley Nights

I am having a hard time tonight. I have a hard time every night and day but at night I am usually all alone. My boyfriend works overnights. When Gavin first died I could NEVER be alone. My BF would have to sit with my while I showered. I couldn't sleep in my bed because if I actually was trying to sleep I would never. So we both camped out in our living room. He went back to work before I did as did the rest of my family though. Then I had to be alone and I would cry and scream and throw things. It was almost therapy for me. My anxiety is unreal at this point. Hearing an ambulance, police or firetruck go by is like stabbing my heart. I get flashbacks to the day my son was dying and I was trying to revive him. I don't understand why God couldn't take me instead. I would have went in his place, if God changes his mind I would still go.I used to take anxiety medicine that at least helped me sleep. I stopped as soon as I found out I was pregnant against my doctor's wishes. She fears my anxiety is too crazy to not take anything. My OBGYN is against anything though as am I. There is nothing to support it's safe either. These crazy up and down emotions make me feel like I have multiple personalities. I am so excited for my new little one, then I am back to being so sad for my lost Gavin.

I can't imagine I will ever lead a normal life again and that makes me angry. I feel like I have been robbed of my own life and my son's all at once. I am going through the motions of life sure but I am not living. Gavin would have been one on April 28th. It's fast approaching. I should be planning his birthday party, instead I am planting flowers in a planter for his grave. My whole family and I have taken off work. I feel so guilty like I ruined their lives as well. Like I robbed my brother and sister of the happy mother they once had. That might sound crazy, I know but you can't help how you feel. I go to bereavement groups from time to time but sitting there doesn't make anything better. All the parents just cry about how bad their life is. Which is what I do too. I don't think that really gets us anywhere.

I guess I will lay down and cry and watch t.v. I sure will cry myself to sleep tonight. I miss you Gavin Alexander every second of every day.

Rain, Rain Go Away!

What a crappy, rainy weekend. I just want to sit in the sun. Anyways I went to a pregnant woman's dream today. The Broadway market where everything is deep fried or dipped in chocolate! I was bad and got a caramel apple and a sponge candy bar. Well my mom got them for me because she loves me that's why! Also we got a little soft lamb for the baby. I can't wait to find out the gender. Not that I care what I have I really don't. A healthy baby is all that matters. I am just a planner and a shopper as is my mother. We can't wait to shop for whatever we want that is gender specific. Then I can start thinking more about names too. I have three for each gender. My BF can pick the middle name...maybe. I am all set if it's a boy Gavin didn't get to use a quarter of what he got sadly. She keeps saying we have to go through his things and figure out what we need. She will come to my house and help me when I decide to. I don't know if I can do it though. The things he used I won't use, save the bassinet, swing, carseat, stoller, well all the expensive items. The blankets, clothes, animals and sheets I have put away. Sometimes I take them out, smell them and cry. Cry really hard and get so angry at the world. It's so hard being 25 ad my friends are having all this fun still. I belong to a club now that no one would ever want to be in. A sad mother's club where I feel like I am on a different planet then everyone else. I hate being Debbie Downer. I try not to be but what can anyone expect? I miss my son and that's it. I do plenty of things now but if I don't want to do something who cares? I can't make anyone understand that though. 

On another note I am excited to be a mom again and am very happy to be pregnant. It took a lot of trying and I am glad it's happening. Time to eat dinner now. Have a good Saturday!

Friday, April 15, 2011


This week actually went by fast! I am so tired all the time all I think about is the weekend and when I can sleep in! It doesn't help that last night my little lovie woke up three times. I should tell who my little lovie is. He is my BF's son and one of the love's of my life! He is the sweetest little boy and so adorable, he really makes your day better. My family loves him so much too. I joke that they actually replaced me with him! Right now he is going through the terrible two's. He turned two in December and let me tell you they are just setting in. Don't get me wrong he is still a happy, silly, loving boy. He just has this little man attitude now. He tells you no, or throws things if he doesn't get his way, he screams when you put him to sleep (he used to be the best sleeper ever), he is even a snack snob now and only wants certain things. I hope that when the baby comes he is out of this stage! I know he will love the baby but when he throws things he doesn't have the best aim and I don't which to be the catcher at at times. He loved Gavin so much but didn't understand that he had to be gentle yet. So he would try to throw the ball to him and play catch. I would give anything to go back to those days. 

Those were my happiest days everyone just said how much I was glowing and smiling all the time. I loved my routine with my two loves. My BF would come in and kiss my and Gavin then go off to work, I would feed Gavin and put him in his bassinet after I rocked him back to sleep. I would lay down and just watch him sleep. When Aiden woke up I would go get him out of his room and he would run to the side of the bassinet. He would smile so big and say BABY and try to kiss him. The three of us spent our days snuggled up. Aiden was feeling some jealousy naturally so I would hold them both while they napped. After Gavin died Aiden would still run in the room and look for him. He was too young to talk but he was visibly upset like where did he go? I wonder when he gets older will he remember his brother? Or will he be so confused when we bring this baby home? 

Time to work...everyone have a good Friday! 

Below is Aiden on the swing and Gavin the day I got to take him home.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Learning To Blog

Just hang on I promise I will learn how to do this! All of your blogs are so nice and fancy. I am going to learn how to make mine fancy too!

Welcome To My World

I am writing this Blog to tell about going through the loss of a child while carrying another. I of course willl talk about other things too. I just have so many thoughts I need to get them out!

My son Gavin was born on April 28th, 2010. He wasn't due until June 3rd. I had a very healthy normal pregnancy and never imagined anything bad could happen. I guess that isn't all true, my mom miscarried three times and I was always fearful it was something genetic and passed to me. My doctor would always tell me not to worry everything would be fine. Little did any of us know.

A few days before the 28th I had my shower. It was very beautiful thanks to my wonderful mom. I couldn't believe my son would be usuing the presents I got soon. I didn't know how soon though! On the 28th I felt normal, no contractions or pains. I was sitting in front of my mirror doing my makeup because we had somewhere to go. When I stood up my water broke EVERYWHERE! I was in full panic and yelled to my BF "I think my water just broke!" He said "No it didn't." Then his panic set in he kept telling me everything would be fine as he ran around in circles. I called my mom and tried to pack my bag as I kept leaking through all my pants! I never knew soooo much water would come out. I finally stuck a towel in between my legs and left.

At the hospital when I told them I was in labor the lady looked at me like I was lying. She had me sit in the waiting room for a while. Finally they called me back. I sat in a room and had my mom come with me. I was trying to shave my legs, that's right, on the table and trying to get her to help. She told me I was nuts and to put the shaver away. Soon I was in my room with my BF, mom and best friend. I had a long hard labor and my epidural didn't take. I felt everything all the pain. I was also having constant contractions. I screamed my head off and cried. They should have gave me a c-section and that's where all the problems started. I finally gave birth to me beautiful boy after about 16 hours of labor. They were messing with him and I was screaming and crying as was my BF. It turns out he had swallowed his own fluids in the birth canal. They got him to breathe, I held him for a minute and off they took him.

Being discharged from the hopital with no baby is one of the lonliest feelings in the world. I remember leaving with my balloon and flowers. No one wheeled my out or even paid me any attention. My BF would have but I just wanted to walk to the car in silence. I went home showered, changed and went back to the NICU. I lived there for the next few weeks as Gavin got stronger and learned to breathe on his own. The first day I got to hold him was Mother's Day and you can't get a better present then that! I soon grew tired of the hospital and just wanted to take him home. I was very depressed and spent all my time sitting rocking him there. The first day I did anything we went to a baseball game. That's where I got the call that he would be coming home in the morning. I was never so happy in my life. The next morning couldn't come soon enough. Before I knew it all the nurses were waving to us as we left.

My grandma sat at my house with Gavin and I all day. We couldn't stop lving him up, That's how the next weeks were I never could put him down. I could never sleep because I just stared at him when he was. I am going to spare the details of the morning of his death. I don't like to relive them. I am just going to say my son became ill, he was rushed to the hospital, where it was found out he wouldn't make it. He caught staph and Ecoli pneumonia during his NICU stay. I held my beautiful son as they removed the tubes and I sang You Are My Sunshine to him. I don't know how I didn't kill myself during those days. I was just hoping he would pull through. I am getting terrible anxiety thinking of it now and I have to move on.

To lose your child is the most unnatural thing in the world. It's not supposed to happen to you and when it does you never knew how bad life could really be. What now I thought? How does anyone expect me to keep living? It hasn't been easy I will tell you that. Literally I have to take one minute at a time.

I am now 12 weeks pregnant. I am so excited to be a mom again. Yet I am so scared at the same time. Here is where I would like to share with you my emotions over the next months. If anyone reads this and wants to share their story I would love that as well. Back to work I go now. If I can concentrate!