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Thursday, January 24, 2013

What Ifs and Whys?

Today is a what if  and why kind of day. The kind where I say what if Gavin had lived. Why does this have to be my life? I started going to therapy. My therapist is VERY religious. I have struggled with that part since Gavin died. Do I believe in God still? Yes. Am I angry with him? Yes. Do I realize my anger may be misplaced and it may be time to let go? Kind of.

My therapist has been working with me on not being angry with God and the Dr's,/Nurses who caused me all this pain. He wants me to give my pain and anger up to God. He has not had a child die. He does not realize I can sit in his office and hold his hand, pray, while agreeing I am going to give that anger away. Then then next day I see my friend with her two kids the ages mine should be and that anger takes over me faster then I can handle. He has asked if I have sought legal help. Which yes, at one point I did. Once I got in to it with my lawyer and realized all it entailed I stopped answering his emails. I didn't want to be badgered with questions. I wanted answers. I didn't want a monetary reward. I wanted to look those "medical professionals" in the face and let them know how they took my life away. How their carelessness left a broken family behind. How not only do Brad and I suffer but my entire family who loved Gavin so much. Who prepared for his birth since the day they found out I was pregnant, who loved him before we knew him, who sat by him every single day and night in the NICU. A mother who never put her baby down was know left with a broken heart and empty arms.

What if  the first Dr listened to me when I said I was going in to labor early. Maybe I would have never had to. Or when I begged for a c-section my son wouldn't have swallowed his meconium. Maybe he wouldn't have been in the NICU long. He wouldn't have caught any diseases and he would be running around right now like he should be. Like other mothers get to experience. Instead he never saw two months and I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I am mad. Today I am having one of those life fucking sucks days.

That's right I fucking hate this life. I want my old one back. It may not have been perfect but there wasn't pain and misery beyond my control. If something was wrong I could fix it. I don't mean I want to have never had Gavin. I would never take that back. I just want to go back knowing what I know now and save him. I want my baby here and I deserve that.

I guess I thought I came such a long way after my last session and today I feel like absolute shit. Will the rest of my life be this way? Why do I have to have this life? After my first session that is all I did was cry to my family uncontrollably. Asking why did this have to be MY life? No one has an answer for that. I can not do this much longer. I am regressing terribly but not letting anyone know.

I just have to come to terms with this is my life and figure out how do I go on the next X amount of years while staying sane? I miss my baby bad today. Today is a shit day.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Absentee Stephanie

Sorry I am no good at this blogging anymore. I always mean to but my time is stretched so thin not much of it is for myself to get deep in to thought.

I did blog on Blake's birthday but didn't recognize it properly. On October 18th Blake turned one year old! I have to admit the doom and gloom part of myself never thought it would come. The other part of me thought of course it would but I didn't want my baby to grow up. He is now 14 months old and busy, busy, busy! He says a lot of words, mimics things you say and is mostly walking now. Sometimes he realizes his better escape plan is to crawl so he reverts back to that. I am sad that he is no longer my tiny little squishy baby but so happy to have seen him celebrate a birthday and learn new things each day. He is also still a very happy baby who loves to dance, "sing" and watch SpongeBob Square Pants. (His brother got him hooked what can I do?) Overall Blake is in good health, active, tall, thin and has helped me to return to that happy girl I once was.