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Monday, September 26, 2011

M.I.A.

Sorry I have not blogged in forever! I am 36 weeks pregnant today and finally am feeling ready for this baby to come. Well not now but when he's ready. I have pretty much finished the nursery except for wall decorations (I have them but they are not yet hung). All pumpkin's laundry is done, everything is sterilized, both of our bags are packed and my temp at work finally started today. Thankfully she is catching on really fast and I wouldn't be too worried if we only got this week to train. I'm hoping I will have more time with her then that but if I didn't I think she'd do alright.

I am back to having crazy insomnia and also had the worst sinus infection ever last week. I only worked two half days and one full day I was so sick. I literally felt like a truck hit me and the antibiodics made me feel even worse. This week I'm back to feeling a little more normal. The lack of sleep really sucks though. Laying awake in bed at night is when I have my worst anxiety. My brain replays Gavin's death over and over. I still miss him like crazy and think of him every second of the day. I will always be plagued by the what if's and wondering what life would be like with him still here.

I wonder what he would look like, be able to do, what his personality would be and how he would react to his brother. Yesterday I visited his grave. My grandma and I went together. We planted new flowers and put some little pumpkins on the stone. I always talk to him and remind him his brother can never replace him. I hope he hears me and knows how much I mean that. I wonder if I will be the craziest mother ever and worry about every little thing. I already know I will worry more then normal, I just hope I can enjoy my baby.

Michelle-thanks for your comment and thinking of me even though I haven't been blogging. I still think of all of you every day. I promise to make more of an effort to write.  I am so grateful for all of the wonderful people I've met through my blog. xoxo