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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I'm A Failure

I miss my son. I am going crazy I think and I just really miss my baby. Everywhere I look lately there is some sort of SIDS warning in my face. The internet, T.V., my magazines and it all makes me feel like the shittiest mother alive. Gavin died of staph and ecoli pneumonia but while he was asleep. So it makes me feel like I did something wrong still. I am filled with guilt over my baby being gone and I am still here. I can't even sleep at night I am so sick about it. How will I ever survive with another newborn?

I suppose I will never sleep or take my eyes off of him that's how. Or perhaps put him in a bubble and never let anyone in my house. Then there's the issue of going back to work. I know that I am never going to want to leave this baby. If I can not stare at him for his first few months alive (hell his first 20 years alive) and know he is o.k. freak outs will ensue. So I am thinking about doing childcare from my home. I am certified in everything and have taken some child classes in college. Besides raised my step baby and have babysat children since age 12. Out of all those kids I kept alive I couldn't do it for my own. I will leave that part out when writing my ad of course.

I miss Gavin and life with him here now seems like a fairytale. If my baby was here everything would be perfect and the majority of this worry would never cross my mind. I miss you Gavin, I hope where you are you are happy and safe. I am sorry I failed you.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Smiling through the tears

I am sorry I have been neglecting writing. I really have a lot to say but am at a loss for time. The second year continues to go on and somehow so do I. I will tell you this dear friends who I may have scared the other day. While the pain is just as unbearable as ever it's not as constant as it once was. I have found I can smile, laugh and joke again. I can be care free sometimes and just go with the moment. I always go back to thinking about Gavin but for that brief time I am able to let myself go. He is of course is always, always on my mind and the fact that he is not here does not suck any less. I just wanted to give some of you that glimmer of hope I so desperately longed for. I never want to stop hurting for my boy but I want to be able to live a bit.

My sweet step baby helps with that a lot. He is so young and so carefree it's hard not to follow his lead. He knows nothing about hurt yet and I hope he never does. Although I know that won't happen. I can pray that he will never know hurt like I have though. He is such a loveable little guy and can make me smile through my tears. I am very lucky to have him in my life.

I hope all of you ladies can feel a little bit of pleasure again, even if for a second. We all have experienced enough pain.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Second Year Blues

I am sorry to scare those of you who are still in the first year. I have to say this though, the second year so far has been harder. I am having an extremely difficult time and its why I haven't written much. The second year for me has been about coming to terms with my feelings. Figuring out how I really feel and then letting myself feel it. Don't get me wrong I felt immense pain in the first year and am still not sure how I made it out alive. Much of that first year though was spent bargaining and pretending instead of really feeling.

After Gavin died I spent time researching ways that I could bring him back. Researching time machines, time travelers, genies in a bottle, you name it. Sound crazy? Have your kid die and then you will find out there is nothing you won't do, say or think about to bring them back. While I know all these things aren't real, I had to explore any and every option. I had to see if some one out there swore they had some magic, some crazy answer, because I would hunt them down. With all my worldly possessions and my bank account drained I would find that person and trade it all for some of their magic.  Of course I found some outrageous stories on the internet but nothing that was written by anyone remotely sane. Probably they were bereaved parents too and if so I don't blame them for being out of their minds.

After I gave up my witch hunt I turned to God. I begged him to bring my son back. Just let me wake up with him in his bassinet and I won't ask any questions. I will become a  nun in fact and never sin again. I would spend the rest of my life trying to convert the non believers. I would do anything God just bring my son back. Apparently my offers weren't good enough because we all know Gavin still isn't here. But God, if you are reading this, those offers still stand.

Once I accepted the fact that Gavin wasn't coming back is when the pain began. I finally realized about 6 months after he died that nothing would bring him back and I would never see him again. You think I would of come to this realization the day I buried him. Even then I didn't give up on my sweet boy. The pain I was feeling was so overwhelming that I thought there was no way I would have to spend my days like that. At that point I still believed this was all a nightmare and I would wake up any second. If this is a nightmare it's a cruel one.

So if you aren't as crazy as me maybe you have already experienced all of the hurt you can in the first year. Maybe the second won't get any better but won't get any worse. For me it feels like the real sadness is just starting. The numbness has completely wore off and I am left to really experience the pain. My sweet angel Gavin is not coming back. I have accepted this but where do I go from here?

Monday, July 11, 2011

*25 weeks*

How many weeks? I am 25 weeks this week! I have been slacking so bad on updating about my baby and I feel horrible :(  Last week was viability week. Which means if the baby is born now he has a 90% chance of making it. About the size of an eggplant.

How big is baby? Baby should weigh around a pound and a half. He is also about thirteen and a half inches long.

How are you feeling today? Good for the most part. My insomnia and nausea have both returned though. I haven't slept well all week. Which could be baby or stress related or both.
Any Symptoms?I have constant movement now. This baby boy is bossy! No matter which side I lay on he kicks the crap out of me until I move. He also kicks my crotch area a lot. My little sister thinks it's funny and calls him ninja baby.

Milestones? Reaching 24 weeks!

Appointments? I had to move my appointment to this Monday because of stupid work. I had a ton to do last week. If I wasn't feeling constant movement there is no way I would postpone it.

Positive thing about this pregnancy? Getting to be a mommy for the second time.

Baby names? I am pretty sure Blake Alexander wins.
Purchases? So far animal plates, a stuffed lamb, duckie pjs, a box of diapers and baby wash. I obviously have a ton of brand new stuff already. Now to add on to that I got two outfits from Carter's, a night time baby wash, and some wall decorations for the baby's room. (Sorry if you find this part boring it's kind of helping me keep track) For this week we got some garment bags to wash babies clothes, a boppy pillow with two covers, some socks, and an outfit from Carter's. This week I bought three more outfits, a pair of pjs, a Carter's Giraffe and a carter's monkey that holds the pacifier. In the past few weeks I got a little brother outfit, lord knows how many regular outfits, some room decorations and I am sure I am missing something. I buy things every single week sometimes a few times a week. I get scolded by everyone around me too. Well guess what I will buy what I want, when I want. He is my baby and it's my money. Jeez!

Monday, July 4, 2011

I love my babies

So many emotions going on latley that I have been at a loss for words. I feel pretty bipolar with the constant up and downs. There are days where I have that uncontrollable pain . I look at a picture of Gavin and realize that's all he is any more..a picture. Obviously to me he is so much more but I can only touch his picture, his clothes, his toys and blankets. Objects that will never come close to the feeling of my babies skin or the sound of his cry and coo's. I let out cries that are animal like again. Unconsolable cries that are the sounds of a mother without her child. I've been crying for Gavin so many days & nights  I feel like he just died yesterday. My mother has been crying for him a lot too. I wish our tears counted for something and if we cried enough he would come back.

Then I have days that I am happy like actually excited. I can't wait to meet this little baby growing and kicking inside of me. I have been doing a lot of things in the nursery and buying a bunch of baby items. Then I feel guilty for having such good days and feel worse the next.

I am 6 months pregnant today and I love my babies, both of them.