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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Bittersweet October

Last night Brad was in  a rather crappy mood. Truth is he has been a lot lately. He's very scared about something going wrong during birth. He says he will cry in the delivery room and he doesn't like people seeing him that way. I am scared of course but I try to pretend I'm not or else I would be in a straight jacket by now. I also am trying to be the strong one this time. Brad was after Gavin died and now it's my turn to be strong for him. Sometimes I freak myself out really bad though. I want to call the Dr. right then and tell him to take the baby out now while he is alive and well. Thankfully this little guy seems to be in tune with his mama and always kicks away when I start to panic.

So back to Brad's mood. I thought he was just nervous like always so didn't really bother with him too much. He likes to be alone with his thoughts when he is in a crap mood. Through out the night though I knew something was wrong as he clung to me and Aiden. He wanted us all to sit in a tight ball and cuddle all night. Aiden usually is running around like a crazy man but surprisingly he just sat here and cuddled in between us. I asked Brad what was wrong finally after realizing he must be really sad. He reminded me how two years ago we just found out I was pregnant with Gavin. He thinks yesterday might have even been the exact date. I am not sure if it is or not but I know it's close to the day. I could probably go back on my FaceBook and figure it out. I started to yesterday but reading all my happy posts about Gavin made me very depressed.

I was very sick the day I found out about him and had to go to emergency care that day. So I am pretty sure I posted about the awful time I was having. After that a nurse came in and she said "Well I have your tests results." She told me I was severely dehydrated, had pneumonia, a high fever and was positive for pregnancy. I remember I had to ask her to repeat that last part. Who says positive for pregnancy anyways? It makes it sound like a terrible disease. She then said "Because you are pregnant we can only give you IV fluids I will be right back, congratulations!" Brad and I had wanted to have children together. We weren't always careful at that point and we knew what we were doing. So we weren't trying but we weren't not trying either. Since I have had such trouble with periods and things in the past I thought it would take a while. Of course the first time we didn't use protection I got pregnant. Brad kept telling me he had a feeling I was but I swore I had my period the month before. We agreed that I would take a test that weekend, but the emergency care visit took care of that for us. Funny how things work out.

The nurse came back a few minutes later and hooked me up to an IV. I asked her to hand me my phone since I was all by myself there. Brad was working at the time. Well don't you know the spot I was sitting in had no service. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get those bars to appear. So I had to sit there until the IV ran out with no one to talk to. After what seemed like forever I was able to text Brad and let him know. He met me there after work since they ran some more tests to check my levels. We were both in shock but excited at the same time. He kept telling me we were going to have a son. He knew all along that was a little boy growing in my belly. The car ride home we talked about our future and our baby. God, we were so happy then. Our innocence was still there and we thought having a baby meant we would watch him grow up.

The same month I found out about Gavin is the month I will have Blake. How crazy is that? It really is funny how things work out.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

A Sign From Gavin

I have always wanted a sign that my baby boy is o.k. Or that he knows how much I love and miss him. Shortly after he died Aiden was in his room laughing and talking. I always felt that was him seeing his brother. Gavin's swing has also went off a few times and some light up decorations have turned on during the night. I like to believe those were my baby. Tonight I saw something that makes me finally believe he can hear me.

I was sitting outside staring at the star that makes me think of him. It's always in the same spot and is always blinking. I started to talk to Gavin like I often do and was hoping that he heard his mama. As soon as I was finished a shooting star went by right next to the blinking one. I believe in signs and I know that was him.

I can't stop crying now. These tears are not all sad but ones of joy mostly. Thank you for letting me  know you are o.k. my baby. I love you Gavin. Tonight when I fall asleep I can feel some peace knowing you can hear me when I talk to you. I miss you my baby and I am so thankful you know that.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Hello October so nice to see you!

I can not believe today is October 1st. I never thought this month would come. This month I am going to have a baby. I really don't know where the time went. It literally feels like yesterday when I finally got a positive pregnancy test. After many negative tests I was beginning to get very worried that something was wrong with me. I began to tell myself that Gavin was a miracle baby and I wasn't ever going to get pregnant again. I have never dealt with fertility issues and I can't imagine how hard that must be. My very irregular periods do make for a tricky time conceiving. I have gone at lest 6 months at a time with out one. I also have very painful periods and started taking birth control very young to help with that. Trying to conceive this baby consisted of temping, trying to track my crazy ovulation and literally doing it every day for months. (Sorry if that's T.M.I.) I just never wanted us to miss a precious ovulation day. So poor Brad was my slave for a while.

Looking back I probably became so obsessed with getting pregnant as a way to give myself something to focus on. I of course wanted to have a baby and have not regretted that decision ever. I just think I went crazy from the get go like this has to happen NOW. I was meant to be a mom though. Not saying I am super mom just saying I love every part of motherhood. Having Gavin was the best thing that ever happened to me and I felt this strong sense of purpose the first time I laid my eyes on him. Then to have that all ripped away left me extremely empty.

So here I am again about to embark on this motherhood journey. I wish I could do it with the innocence of a mom who has never lost a child. That isn't going to happen though and I am going to have to learn to except that. In 23 days (give or take a few) I will have a precious baby in my arms. I really am very excited. I just wish his brother was here to meet him. I will never stop wishing for my boys to be together here on earth. In a perfect world a mother wouldn't have to wish for something like that. In a perfect world a mom would always die before her child. I don't live in a perfect world though.

I just hope the next 23 days can be as perfect as they can be for me. I hope my baby is perfect, healthy and lives a long time after me.