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Monday, May 30, 2011

The Long And Winding Road

It has been a long hard road and I am not sure how I've made it this far. I can say in this year I have had days that were o.k. but there are always those unbearable moments within those days. Gavin was here such a short time but left a huge imprint on my heart. I am so lost right now and can't believe it's almost been a year. My sadness may subside at times but it will always be there.  I am able to carry on with the hopes that Gavin and I will one day be together again. I love you Gavin, I miss you and I will carry you with me for the rest of my life.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Gavin, you are my sunshine

This is the first time in a long time I will wish the weekend to fly by. Of course it will inevitably go by slow not to mention it’s a three day weekend. Last year on May 29th I held by living so for the last time. I have a hard time telling this story. For some reason I want to share it now. Saturday night my mother kept begging to keep my son overnight. My BF had wanted to go see an MMA fight anyways. I really didn’t want to go. I never out my son down let alone thought about being away from him. She knew I had gotten no sleep for over a month and wanted to help out. So we went out to the bar/restaurant to watch the fight. I was miserable and I hated every second of it. I was panicked the entire time. I told my bf as soon as we were done we had to go get my son. I always wonder now if that was my motherly instinct kicking in. I woke my mother up and told her I was coming to get my baby. I went over there, thanked her and felt a sort of relief as we drove home. Now my mother is a perfectly good babysitter actually the best I know. Why such sure panic set in me is still a mystery. Maybe it was normal? Or maybe a sign from God that I needed to be with him?

We went home and I snuggled my baby boy. I watched t.v. as he slept. He woke up for his regular feeding and I fed him. I kiss him and sat there with him for a long, long time unable to sleep. I finally went to bed not knowing what would be next. If only I never went to sleep. He never woke up for his next feeding. The rest is too painful to really get into. My son was revived but he slipped into a coma. For days we sat in that hospital praying God that he would be o.k. Two priests came into bless him. A world wide prayer chain was started for my boy. I never left his side. Only once to shower and it was the quickest shower I ever took. My BF sat outside the curtain and the nurses didn’t say anything. I was the dead baby’s mom after all. On June 1st I received the devastating news that my son was brain dead from lack of oxygen. We had to make the decision of what to do. He was suffering and I knew it. After much praying, crying and begging God what to do we decided to pull the plus. On June 1st my son died again. As he died he was not alone I held him and sang “You are my sunshine” as his heart stopped beating and so did most of mine. I will never forget those days. I will never be the same again. I will never stop crying for my beautiful Gavin who was unfairly ripped away from me.

Monday, May 23, 2011

*18 weeks*

How many weeks? I am 18 weeks today!

How big is baby?  Head to rump he is 5 and a 1/2 inches long and about 7 ounces. About the size of a sweet potato. Which IMO is an ugly thing to compare a baby to.

How are you feeling today? Not feeling to bad. I am still nauseous in the morning time and do I have to even tell about the migraines anymore? I am sick of having them you are sick of hearing about them! I did buy some preggie pops yesterday for my upset tummy and they seem to work pretty good.
New Symptoms? Last night I had some strong Braxton Hicks contractions for the first time this pregnancy. I was so uncomfortable!Thank God they only last a little while. With both pregnancies they have been intense for me. I hope that doesn't mean I will have another intense long labor.

Milestones? Of course finding out Pumpkin is a boy!!! I am also happy to reach 18 weeks. I know this is the time where the babies become more active and you can also better feel that activity. I am hoping for a strong kick soon!

Appointments? My next appointment isn't until June 6th. That one is just an OB check up.

Positive thing about this pregnancy? I am so blessed to have another sweet baby boy!

Baby names? I like Cole, Blake and Parker. I have to start hitting my baby name book again now that there are only half as many names to go through.

Purchases? So far animal plates, a stuffed lamb, duckie pjs, a box of diapers and baby wash. I obviously have a ton of brand new stuff already. Now to add on to that I got two outfits from Carter's, a night time baby wash, and some wall decorations for the baby's room. I have my big purchases done except a crib. We were going to order one right before I went into labor. We were using a bassinet for Gavin anyways so I bought myself a little more time to look around. Well then I went into early labor, lived in the NICU, and then tried to just cherish him while he was home. Soon we are taking a trip to buy buy baby which is a bit of a drive because I think I found the crib I want there.

I am 17 weeks and 4 days pregnant in these pictures :)

Friday, May 20, 2011

The Grief Wave

I definitely caught the wave of grief today. I am always grieving but sometimes it just hits me all of a sudden like a ton of bricks when I least expect it. A smell, a word, a picture, a story anything can remind of Gavin and then I remember he is gone. I am so overwhelmed right now but most of all angry. I have Gavin's pictures as my screen at work. Sometimes I think it's a bad idea but I never want him to go away. When I look at how beautiful he was and then think about how I will never see that handsome face again I am enraged. How could such a precious, innocent, sweet boy be taken away from me? How and why is this possible? It has been almost a year since he has been gone and it doesn't hurt any less when I realize he is never coming back.

When he first died I was in extreme denial. I thought that somehow, someway I would wake up one morning and there he would be. I would bargain with God, Angels, Buddha whoever the hell I thought was listening to just let him come back to me. I didn't care how he was brought back I told them I wouldn't question it, just let me wake up tomorrow and my sweet Gavin be in his bassinet. I even went as far as to think I could find a time traveler like I have read about and beg him to save my son. Sound crazy? Then you haven't lost a child and good for you. I however have lost my son and I know that feeling of desperation where you will do or try anything if it meant he would still be alive.

I still don't believe this is real even after all this time. I never could have imagined that something so tragic and devastating would happen to me. I read about stories babies dying or watched it on the news but didn't think I would ever live through it. I just want my son back and I know this will never happen but I don't know if I can accept it. I am really struggling today and I am really missing you Gavin.

**I want to share as many pictures of Gavin as I can but it makes me sad to think one day soon I will run out of new ones to post. I want to show what a funny little guy I had today. So here are some of the silly faces he made. First one he is in his swing look how small he is compared to it. Second one he was rolling around on my bed. Third one in his bouncy seat pondering where the animals came from.**

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Morning

****TMI ALERT****

Pregnancy is so glamorous isn't it? Not only do our boobs leak, other parts leak, we break out, get fat, grow hair, and sweat but we can't poop either. That's where I am at right now. I CAN'T POOP! Towards the end of my first pregnancy I had the same problem. I wouldn't go for weeks and when I did it was a complete chore. Well it looks like I am starting that early this time. Yesterday night I had a belly ache and my usual miserable migraine. I went to bed hoping they would both go away. Wrong! They both were worse by morning and all night while I tossed and turned. So I get up to my alarm and immediately head for the bathroom. I turned on the water for the shower, so it would get hot and then went to use the bathroom. Well what do you know I can not go. No matter how hard I tried....nothing. I won't gross you out with the details but lets just say it was an hour of hard work, sweating and chugging water. I eventually had to get in the shower so I could get to work and I had no idea that an hour went by.

Well I forgot the water was running though whole time. Even though it was in the same room as me I was clearly focused on other things. Of course there was no hot water left after my bathroom situation. I had to shower so I took a freezing one. Might I say I was wide awake after that. I then had fifteen whole minutes to do my hair, makeup and get dressed. I had to just let my hair be curly, put most of my makeup on and the rest at work and thank God I put my clothes out the night before. I told my mother on the way to work all about my morning. We stopped and she got me a bran muffin and small ice cappuccino to try and help. No luck so far but it was a nice gesture.

After that great start to my morning I really just wanted to curl up in a ball and go back to bed. Thankfully the work day is almost over now and I will be headed straight to the grocery store after! Everything they carry with fiber I am buying. I hope I can clear myself out my stomach is really staring to hurt. O.K. that's enough of my TMI rant sorry if I disgusted you, chances are if you have kids or are having a baby you know what this feels like though.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Pumpkin is a BOY!

I knew it! I knew I was having another sweet little boy. I am so excited. I have had this feeling the whole time. Another little momma's boy coming up!

My appointment was at 8:30 am my mother and grandmother also came along. My BF sat home today and he is really disappointed. My lovie was being quite bad though and I knew we couldn't bring him. My BF will have to come next time (I get a sono every four weeks). My mother and grandma wanted to come or else they could have watched Aiden. Anyways in the beginning of my appointment I didn't think we would find out the sex. Pumpkin was in a comfy position and he was NOT moving. His little legs were crossed (like both of his brothers love to do), his hand behind his head and there he stayed. Until I moved from my back, side, back and then side again. He started moving all around like "What is going on?" Then we seen it, the goods! He flashed us pretty good two times. Since he didn't sit still we got some o.k. pictures but that's fine with me. I just wanted to see he was healthy and he is. My sister will be sad at first but she will love him just the same. My BF, step dad and brother love they have another guy on their side. I can't wait to go shopping on Friday now. Team Blue for me and I couldn't be happier!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Sunshine where did you go?

I for sure need to start building that ark now. Our sun has been replaced with large amounts of rain.  Of course it was beautiful Monday-Friday evening. It was at least 70 each day and it got up to the lows 80 at the end of the week. Absolutely gorgeous outside and I loved it. My lovie Aiden was so excited to not be cooped up in the house. In fact he threw an absolute tantrum everyday when it was time to come in. We even ate outside so he could spend as much time in the nice weather as he could. It still wasn’t enough. I would beg him and try to trick him with candy to just come inside. Nope he wasn’t having it. My BF would have to scoop him up (as he threw himself) and bring him in. It’s not easy to reason with a 2 and a half year old. All they know is what they want to do and that you are stopping them. One day we had to give him a bath as soon as he came in because he was covered in chalk, bubbles and dirt. We were one step away from having to tie him down in the bath. He flew his arms around, splashed, kicked and screamed like he was being murderd. He was just so heart broken about being in the house it was crazy. I felt so bad for him because after he curled in a little ball and sobbed. Now let me tell you he was outside the entire day and at this point it was 7:30 pm. You think that would be long enough!

Now we are both stuck in the house again. Friday night the sky opened and it still hasn’t stopped. There is no end in sight either. It’s supposed to rain up until Saturday then start up again Sunday. I hope they are wrong with that forecast. So pretty much my weekend (save Friday after work) consisted of being stuck indoors. Friday night was nice though. I went to dinner with my family (mom, step dad, brother, sister) to Buffalo Burger which is a new restaurant that is like Fuddruckers. For those who don’t know it’s a place where you order your burger and can choose from a million different toppings and also many different meats (even ostrich, buffalo, and other weird ones)I just got a regular burger with mushrooms, carmalized onions, cheese and bacon. After we went for walk in a near by park. This park is known for deers, chipmunks, birds coming up to you if you feed them. It was very nice and peaceful. We actually saw a huge hawk super close and I almost peed my pants. Thank God it flew away. The rest of the weekend I cleaned and layed around.

Now it's back to work again. I am going to work overtime a few days this week. I am trying to save as much as I can before Pumpkin gets here. Tomorrow I might be able to find out what Pumpkin is. That is something I am looking forward too. Hope everyone else had a nice weekend.

I have to share this picture because my lovie just makes my day. Last night we were watching Spongebob eating our snacks and I had my fuzzy socks on. He just loves the way they feel too. So he took them off my feet and put his baby socks on mine. Here he is with them on still. Sorry it came out dark for some reason.

Monday, May 16, 2011

*Pumpkin Is 17 Weeks*

How many weeks? I am 17 weeks today.

How are you feeling today? Today I am not feeling too bad. The never ending migraine is still present. I was quite out of it yesterday and bummed around all day. It felt good although unproductive at the same time. I have some energy today and am killing it at work!

Symptoms? Still nauseous in the mornings, the insomnia is getting better, but the migraines aren’t.

Milestones? I have felt some flutters again. Gavin always stayed on my right side and if I dared lay on that side he would kick the hell out of me. Same thing for this baby. I don’t feel kicks but am rather uncomfortable and get the weirdest feeling in my tummy if I don’t stay away from that side.

Appointments? Last week I talked about my regular OB appointment. It went well and I heard the heart beat right away. This Wednesday I have a u/s. I can’t wait because we might be able to tell the sex! I just want to shop for some clothes.

Positive thing about this pregnancy? I am happy to be a mother again even though it pains me that Gavin isn’t here with me. I know it helps my little brother and sister because they are young and Gavin’s death is hard for them to really grasp. They obviously know what death is but when you are a teenage boy and pre teen girl you haven’t experienced many people dying. (for them not any) They are very excited for this baby to come and I am happy that they are happy.

Purchases? So far animal plates, a stuffed lamb, duckie pjs, a box of diapers and baby wash. I obviously have a ton of brand new stuff already.

So there you have it. Hopefully on Wednesday we will know what team I am. I don’t care either way I just want a healthy Pumpkin. It’s just something to look forward to.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Save me!

I know I am terrible about updating this week. I am having a week from Hell at work. I am so ready for the weekend it’s not even funny. It’s been beautiful all week and of course Friday-Sunday the weather man is calling for rain. Go figure!

Let’s talk about this Hellish time I am having. I work with some trolls. Drama, nagging, mean, lazy trolls. I work in a medical billing office and until this job I worked with half woman, half men. Now it’s all women save the one gay guy, the young quiet guy and the young loud ignorant douche who I swear is really gay. I zlove gay men don't get me wrong but they can be worse then the women at times. I know as many of my close friends are gay males. My point is almost all wome stuck in an office together is nothing but drama. It is like being in middle school with all the competition and cat fights. Anyways I started here with one job and kid you not I now do about five or six depends on how you break it down. I got one whole dollar raise for this. I work my ass off and try to make no mistakes as some of my job is accouting and there is no room for error.

Well let me tell you I was doing three of those jobs Tuesday at once when my cell phone rang. It's on silent so I looked over seen it was my doctor and let it go. Our HR lady happens to walk over at this point and says "Oh really busy, huh?" I said "Excuse me actually I am." Now we are ALLOWED to have our cell phones out, we have our own work phones and people sit and kid you not text all day. I was not texting I clearly was typing and writing things at the same time. She then announced to all the managers how I was texting. I didn't get reprimanded but it's the whole principle. I WASN"T TEXTING!! Never once have I been thanked for doing everything asked of me, or told "Good Job", instead this lady has had it out for me since day 1. When I have never done anything to her.

So now she acts like she is spying on me all week. GO AHEAD. Take a look and see all the work I do. Be my guest. What a crap week I am glad it's almost over.

On another note my doctor's appointment was really good yesterday. He told me I was doing great and everything was perfect. I heard Pumpkin's heart beat and next week I have my sono where I hopefully find out what kind of Pumpkin I am having! I am glad I have such a caring, nice doctor this time. Every month I get a sono and that helps calm my fears. So that made me feel better for a while yesterday.

I hope everyone else's week is going better then mine!

Monday, May 9, 2011

I Have A Sweet Little Sister

*I think Pumpkin should always have a separate post, at least for weekly updates. If I hadn't lost Gavin I would talk about the baby even more so I at least owe it to my little one to have his/her own entry. That's the reason for two entries.*

Let me explain why I have such a young brother and sister first. My grandmother had my mother at 19, my mother then had me at 19 my dad (or sperm donor) as I like to call him, was a deadbeat. My mother never asked him for a dime and sacrificed everything to take care of me. She married my step dad when I was 9, had my brother when I was 10, miscarried twice, had  my sister when I was 13, and then miscarried once more.( I know my poor mom.) I had no idea how much she was going through then and I wish I would have been able to at least be a perfect little girl for her. So there you have it I have a 16 year old brother and 12 year old sister.

I was sitting with my siblings Saturday night so my parents could go out. They don't need to be watched exactly but my mom was gone for a bit and I don't do anything else. So my little sister and I were watching movies. I told her I wanted some peanut butter and chocolate really bad. She took her little Easter bunnies put some peanut butter on them, got a glass of milk and gave them to me. It was so cute.

Then yesterday when I was wanting to smack my grandmother for her rude comments, my sister said something sweet. She asked why I was mad. I told her what was said. She told me "Don't worry you are still a mommy." She is sweet and smart for her age. She has a hard time with Gavin being dead and is very excited for this new baby. She says Pumpkin will sleep in her room and she has a babysitter book she read before Gavin and reads now. She also learned how to sew and made Gavin a bunny. She is going to make this baby and animal as well.

I am still furious with my grandmother and something will have to be sorted out if she ever wants to speak to me again. For now I am thankful for people who continue to do nice things for me. My mother and sister especially.

*16 weeks*

My Pumpkin is now the size of an avocado. Today when I woke up my belly was quite a bit lower. How strange that overnight it just dropped like that. I still have the migraines. Which I am sick of saying. I have had one for three days again. I haven't slept, ate much or did anything productive. It hurts so bad. I *knock on wood* haven't had morning sickness in a while though. The migraines are just making me physically ill. My Dr. wants me to see a neurologist but I see no point until Pumpkin is born. I can't get a cat scan, MRI or take any meds so suffer I will. It's more important to me that this baby is healthy. I did go shopping on Saturday and get some summer maternity clothes. I found some capri's and tank tops that are cute. They were still pricey for being on sale and I am not cheap or anything. (Although  I should be) I bought Pumpkin some animal plates and a stuffed animal. My mom bought a box of diapers. I can't wait until I can go clothes shopping. Wednesday I have a regular OB appointment. Next Wednesday I have a sono, it's not my anatomy scan but my OB still thinks he might be able to see the gender then. I hope Pumpkin cooperates! I have felt some small flutters which I am pretty sure is movement. I have done this before so I know the difference between movement and gas pains.

I have started to worry about losing Pumpkin again. I think yesterday brought on these emotions. I am just going to pray and try to stay positive. That's how I made it through trying to conceive and that's how I will make it until I hold Pumpkin in my arms.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Going To Explode

Susan-you were right I should have stayed home.

I love my mother and grandmother I do. My mother is who I wanted to see today so I am at her house for dinner. Despite the fact I have spent the entire morning crying uncontrollably and picking fights with my BF for no good reason. I am angry, enraged in fact. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept thinking about Gavin and how soft his skin was. How we would fall asleep on the couch together. It was very,very hot at that time and I would let him lay in a onesie or diaper with me. His skin was so soft and smelled so good (you know the way newborns smell). All I did was lie awake wondering how that could be taken away from me. It sunk in that I will never feel that skin again.

So I cried and cried and threw my mother's day gift on the floor. Then cried some more. My BF didn't deserve it and I feel so awful. I was throwing a tantrum though and couldn't stop. He made me breakfast and begged me to eat. I cried all over it and apologized. He said he wasn't mad and thanked me. I put up with him when he has these fits as well. We may sound crazy but this is what our life has become. Two lunatics trying to survive. My belly was shaking so I cried harder because I didn't want pumpkin upset. I have finally calmed down but the aftermath is still here. My eyes are swollen, my head is throbbing and I feel guilty for being so nasty. I just want my son back and to want something more then anything in the whole world, that you can't make happen is devastating.

Well here I am at my mom's and she gave me an engraved frame that says "To The Best Mommy In The World, Love Gavin." It was so thoughtful of her and I am glad she remembers I am a mommy. My grandmother on the other hand who is not very old (so don't think she doesn't know better) said to me "Oh Happy ALMOST Mother's Day To You." I said did you forget I pushed my son out of my crotch? That I mothered him and am still his mother?" She said "Well he's not here anymore." I am lost for words, I want to throw something at her. I even had this conversation about my coworker with her and how much it hurt my feelings yesterday. I guess that went in one ear and out the other. I could throw up I am so mad and I think I am just going to leave.

So that settles it my own family members are turning into the ignorant people that I choose to avoid. God help me. I wish I could go back to this day. I miss my son...Love you Gavin.

Friday, May 6, 2011

I Am Gavin's Mother

So it begins...I was leaving work yesterday with another lady I work with. She has two older adopted kids. She is a mother even though she didn't give birth to them. I am a mother even though my son is dead. Many of my coworkers take off Fridays so they were saying goodbye to us until Monday. They looked at me as if they wanted to say it but instead turned to her and said "Happy Mother's Day." I was told to "Have A Nice Weekend." I had to bite my tongue really hard. I wanted to say "I am a mother ya know. I have the stretch marks and grey hairs at 25 to prove it. I have the worry lines and baby fat as well." They don't know any better I guess. So instead I just smiled and said "You too." I know no matter what they said my day wouldn't be "Happy" or "Good" but it's the principle of the matter. Just because my son has passed does not mean my mothering badge was ripped from me as well. I had a baby, am having a baby and am the best mother I can be to me lovey. The fact that he loves me so much would say I am a damn good mother to him actually. He has a real mother though so it doesn't really count. Most important of all though is I am Gavin's mother. Dead or alive he is my son and I am his momma.

So now I know what to expect when I say goodbye to the rest of my coworkers today or when all my friends will text and write to each other "Happy Mother's Day." I don't count to them anymore. I am just the poor girl whose baby died. Perhaps I will write an etiquette book on how to treat bereaved parents. Until then I will have to walk around with a bleeding tongue.

***I know this is random but my Gavin was so silly. He made the best faces in the world. I would do anything to see that face again. I instead stared at one of my favorite pictures of him all morning. It always makes me smile. Sorry it's so dark it was taken at night time when feeding him and I didn't want to flash in his face. I love you baby boy.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Am I A Mother?

Mother's Day as everyone knows is coming up. I can't say I am looking forward to it yet. I am thankful I can spend the day with my family but it will be another painful reminder that Gavin isn't here. Last year on Mother's Day was the first day I was able to hold Gavin. That was seriously the best thing I could have asked for. Since he had tubes everywhere I wasn't able to hold him before then. It broke my heart that I could look at him but not pick him up. He was my baby but I felt like he belonged to the hospital.. It was even worse when he would cry and I couldn't even console my own little boy. I instead had to settle with rubbing his legs and singing to him. Anything to let him know I was there and how much I loved him. That changed on Mother's Day.

I came to the hospital to sit with my baby and spend the day with him. The nurse came over to talk to me like she always did and she said really casual "Would you like to hold him?". I thought I heard her wrong. When I realized this wasn't a cruel joke I almost cried. When I was handed my baby boy for the first time my heart melted all over again. He snuggled up to me so close like he was waiting for me too. I will never forget that moment.

Now I am kind of dreading Mother's Day. Another day where the world will be moving and I am stopped frozen in sadness wishing Gavin was here. Next year will be a little easier when Pumpkin is here and I feel like a real mother again. Do angel mother's get celebrated on mother's day? Or how about expecting mother's? Or what if you are both? Maybe I can skip my family's house and spend the whole day sitting with my son again. I just wish it was with a one year old Gavin and not a grave.

Monday, May 2, 2011

It's the little things

...that cause the biggest breakdowns. Yesterday I was doing laundry like I do all the time. No big deal just sitting watching Sex In The City reruns and folding clothes. I started to fold Aiden's onesies and that was it, I lost it. I remember folding my Gavin's onesies waiting for him to come and then making sure everything looked perfect after he was born and I was waiting for him to come home. I would imagine him in every outfit and think where he would wear each one to. He had a first fourth of July outfit and so many pairs of little shoes. My step dad bought him these loafers that were so cute and he was so proud to say his grandson would wear them. I got my baby a carter's preemie outfit after he was born with a monkey on the bum and one with a fishie too. I had them set out to wear the day he fell ill. So many outfits with matching hats and bibs. There was a carter's sweater that was so fuzzy with bear ears that my aunt bought him in the hospital for his "three week birthday." So many clothes that I thought he would stain and outgrow.

My aunt bought him stuff constantly. We actually spent more time together while he was in the hospital then ever before. She came there almost daily, which was triple anyone else save my BF. I was quite surprised and so glad for her company. We would stay there together all day everyday, we would drink coffee and smoke (I know so bad but after having him quitting went out the window the stress was too much to bare), we would eat lunch and dinner together, sit outside in the sun and talk. It was actually really nice. I felt very at peace during those days. Even though my son was in the hospital he was doing extremely well. My family and I were all happy that he was going to be o.k. and we spent a lot of time together there talking and holding Gavin. Even when I was there by myself sitting in the rocking chair with Gavin it was the happiest I had ever been.

Long gone are those days of innocence and peace. I wish for them back every day. I just want to be happy and to not know what pain really feels like. I want to watch my boy grow and prepare him to be a big brother. It's pure torture to think I will have to live like this for the rest of my days. Wishing life was something it could never be again. I am happy to be able to be a mom again. I am very lost not being one. I feel like my life is missing something but really that something is a Gavin and he won't ever come back. Will I find some peace with this new baby? Or will I be more upset that Gavin isn't here and we aren't a whole family?

*15 weeks*

My pumpkin is now the size of an orange! I know some people think you can't feel movement this early. I know what the difference is between a gas bubble and a flutter. I definitely felt pumpkin flutter about last night. With Gavin I think I dismissed early movement because I didn't know what it felt like. I was laying down in the dark thinking as I always do and I felt it. I can't wait until it's full kicks though. Here is a funny story with Gavin's kicks. One night my BF and I were laying in bed cuddled up sleeping and Gavin kicked real hard. I didn't think my BF could feel it. Sure enough he jolted up and said "hey the baby just kicked me in the butt!" I was cracking up he was right he got kicked right in his ass.

My next appointment is on May 11th and on May18th I have a sonogram. My OB is pretty sure he will be able to tell me the sex that day. It's something to look forward to. Then I can stop reading all 100,000 names in my baby book and narrow it down to 50,000!  I can also start shopping then too. My mom is so antsy she has bought some diapers and things. I have bought maternity clothes. I am going to start buying detergent and baby wash this week. My cravings have now switched to grilled cheese, french toast and waffles. I don't want to jinx myself but the bad symptoms have seemed to subside. The migraines are still coming and going but aren't as intense. *knock on wood* They still suck though and the anxiety is out of control. I won't take anything again until pumpkin is here though. I am thankful for this baby and am glad to be a mommy again. I just wish Gavin was here as a big brother. I know he will watch over baby though.