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Monday, November 28, 2011

Blake's Homecoming and 1st Halloween

Ok I hope I'm not killing you guys with these pictures! If I am let me know. I just can't get enough of my little mansie so I take a ton of pictures. I wanted to pop in and share Blake's first days at home/first Halloween.

Before we brought Blake home I was very curious about how Aiden would react to him. Some days Aiden would rub and kiss my belly, or put his lips to my bump and say "Hi Baby!" Others he would tell me "No baby brother, that's Aiden's room!" (talking about the nursery, I guess he felt entitled to 2 rooms) So I wasn't quite sure how Aiden would feel now that he wasn't the baby of the house. He loved Gavin but was only a baby himself then. He also really couldn't take at that point. He did always kiss and hug Gavin. Every morning when I took him out of his crib he'd run to the bassinet, look over the side and yell "Baby!" When Gavin died Aiden was too small to understand. He would still run around the house looking for him. I cried so hard wondering what Aiden was thinking. I hoped Aiden would love Blake just like he did Gavin.

My hopes were right because Aiden loved Blake right from the start. As soon as he was dropped off he ran in to the house full of excitement. He was screaming "Where's my baby?" He then came over to me and said "Let me hold my baby." He kissed him all over and kept calling him "Aiden's baby." He's such a great big brother. Whenever Blake cries he drops what he's doing, runs over, rubs Blake's head and whispers to him "Don't cry Lake, Don't cry baby." He can't say his B's too good yet so he calls him Lake instead.

Brad and I have been doing better then I expected. We are nervous parents but not psychotic like I thought we would be. I actually fall asleep when Blake does. Although I will admit I spend a lot of time watching him breathe or putting my hand on his chest. He's such a good baby and I'm so in love with him. Very strong and smart too. The one picture shows him looking at his light up toy at only a few days old. He's also been able to lift and turn his head from the start.

For Halloween Blake was a puppy. I mostly dressed him up to take pictures. We didn't go anywhere with him since he was still too young. So we stayed home, took pictures, and handed out candy together. All the trick or treaters thought he was the cutest thing. Who could blame them?!

I can't believe how much Gavin and Blake look/act alike. When my 12 year old sister saw Blake for the first time she said "They look the same! I think Gavin came back." She's a very smart little girl. She's always believed Gavin's spirit would come back to us. Like the rest of us she misses my sweet Gavin very much. If you look at the last picture you can see the resemblance. Blake is in the brown outfit and Gavin is in the lower left hand corner. I cried when I took that picture and Blake posed just like his brother.

Sorry for the long winded post. I have a lot to catch up.

*Michelle- Thanks for your number hunny! I will be in touch. I wish you could meet Blake. I would let you hold him all you want!*

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Blake Alexander

I'm so sorry I haven't posted in so long. I have so much to share about my amazing boy. I will start with my birth story.
On October 17th I had an appointment with my OB. I knew we were going to talk induction since I was retaining a lot of water which was causing extreme swelling. Every week before I was not dialated and baby was not engaged. The night before that appointment I was having a ton of contractions and was hoping that meant progress. Those contractions did what they were supposed to because finally I was 3cm and baby was in the right position to be born. I thought my OB would schedule the induction for my due date which was the following Monday. Instead he looked at me and said "You're having this baby tomorrow, are you ready?" He then stripped my membranes and called the hospital to set everything up.
I was so excited and nervous at the same time. I was huge, uncomfortable and my body was more then ready. Now I just had to mentally prepare myself and pray for a smooth labor. All that day I had painful, close contractions. Being the stubborn girl I am I tried to ignore them and finish some last minute things. When they got so bad I couldn't talk through them, I decided to call my OB. He instructed me to go to the hospital that night. When I got there of course things started to slow down. The nurses gave me the option of going home for the night so I took it.
Excitement kept me up all night. My house got a good scrub down and I got no sleep. At 5am the contractions were back in full force. After a shower and some phone calls we were off to the hospital. This time I wasn't leaving without a baby.
At the hospital the nurses checked me and I was now dilated to a 4. My body was going in to labor on it's own but they still "induced" me to move things along. Pitocin was then started and boy did it work. I was in a ton of pain and contractions were coming back to back. Thankfully my amazing midwife helped me through the pain. The pressure eventually got to be too much so she broke my water at about 10 am. At that time it was also discovered I had blood in my urine due to my kidneys acting up. Which explained why I was feeling so crappy. At about 12 pm I had all that I could take and was ready for an epidural. This time it worked unlike during labor with Gavin. Speaking of Gavin he's all I thought about. When my midwife told me to picture a happy time all I could picture was him. I cried very hard wishing my baby was here and going to meet his brother soon. She probably thought those tears were from pain but really they were for the life I wished to have.
Since Pitocin was being administered monitors had to be placed internally to better track Blake. The outside ones weren't staying on because my crazy boy was kicking them off. Internal monitors suck and are very uncomfortable. So when they asked to put in another one to track contractions I put up a fight. My midwife kept telling me the monitor was very necessary and I needed to let them insert it. Just then the nurse decided to check me. She all of a sudden shouted "Bloody show! You're at a 10 and ready to push." The problem with that was my epidural was just topped off and this time was very strong. I couldn't feel anything, how could I push? I asked my nurse that very question and she reassured me I could still do it. In rushed some students who were there to observe and my midwife began to prepare everything for Blake's arrival. My mom also come back in since I wanted her there.
With the help of the students, my mom and the nurse my legs were lifted and I pushed. Brad stood off to the side but still watching. He was shaking too much to really help. I don't know how I was pushing since I couldn't feel what was going on. I was doing it though and a good job too, according to my midwife. I felt so helpless in that moment since I couldn't even hold up my own legs. It only took a few pushes and about 20 minutes before Blake was born. I didn't tear at all either which is always a good thing. My midwife said I did have a "scratch" so she gave me a few stitches just to be safe.
When they put that beautiful baby on my chest I burst in to tears. So did Brad and my mom. These were happy tears of course that our beautiful, healthy baby was here. His cries were the most beautiful music. The students were even emotional and kept thanking me for letting them be there. They said I made them excited to have kids one day.
Blake did have a little trouble breathing at first. Which of course scared the crap out of Brad and I. Thankfully it was no big deal and he only had to be watched in the nursery for a few hours. The entire hospital stay I didn't even really take advantage of the nurses. I was so in love with Blake that he stayed with me almost the entire time. I only slept a few hours a night in between late night feedings. It felt so good to have him with me and not have to visit him in the NICU. It felt even better when I got to leave the hospital at the same time as my baby. Which almost didn't happen since Blake looked a little jaundice the last day and had to stay one more night. Thankfully the nurses knew about Gavin and how I didn't want to leave my baby there. They talked to their manager who let me stay an extra night although I was already discharged. I really got great care this time around.
So here he is Blake Alexander born at 3:05 pm on October 18th weighing 7 lbs 13 oz ad 21" long. I have a lot to fill in and my next post will tell all about his first month on earth. I hope you enjoy his hospital pictures and there are many more pictures to come.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Bittersweet October

Last night Brad was in  a rather crappy mood. Truth is he has been a lot lately. He's very scared about something going wrong during birth. He says he will cry in the delivery room and he doesn't like people seeing him that way. I am scared of course but I try to pretend I'm not or else I would be in a straight jacket by now. I also am trying to be the strong one this time. Brad was after Gavin died and now it's my turn to be strong for him. Sometimes I freak myself out really bad though. I want to call the Dr. right then and tell him to take the baby out now while he is alive and well. Thankfully this little guy seems to be in tune with his mama and always kicks away when I start to panic.

So back to Brad's mood. I thought he was just nervous like always so didn't really bother with him too much. He likes to be alone with his thoughts when he is in a crap mood. Through out the night though I knew something was wrong as he clung to me and Aiden. He wanted us all to sit in a tight ball and cuddle all night. Aiden usually is running around like a crazy man but surprisingly he just sat here and cuddled in between us. I asked Brad what was wrong finally after realizing he must be really sad. He reminded me how two years ago we just found out I was pregnant with Gavin. He thinks yesterday might have even been the exact date. I am not sure if it is or not but I know it's close to the day. I could probably go back on my FaceBook and figure it out. I started to yesterday but reading all my happy posts about Gavin made me very depressed.

I was very sick the day I found out about him and had to go to emergency care that day. So I am pretty sure I posted about the awful time I was having. After that a nurse came in and she said "Well I have your tests results." She told me I was severely dehydrated, had pneumonia, a high fever and was positive for pregnancy. I remember I had to ask her to repeat that last part. Who says positive for pregnancy anyways? It makes it sound like a terrible disease. She then said "Because you are pregnant we can only give you IV fluids I will be right back, congratulations!" Brad and I had wanted to have children together. We weren't always careful at that point and we knew what we were doing. So we weren't trying but we weren't not trying either. Since I have had such trouble with periods and things in the past I thought it would take a while. Of course the first time we didn't use protection I got pregnant. Brad kept telling me he had a feeling I was but I swore I had my period the month before. We agreed that I would take a test that weekend, but the emergency care visit took care of that for us. Funny how things work out.

The nurse came back a few minutes later and hooked me up to an IV. I asked her to hand me my phone since I was all by myself there. Brad was working at the time. Well don't you know the spot I was sitting in had no service. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get those bars to appear. So I had to sit there until the IV ran out with no one to talk to. After what seemed like forever I was able to text Brad and let him know. He met me there after work since they ran some more tests to check my levels. We were both in shock but excited at the same time. He kept telling me we were going to have a son. He knew all along that was a little boy growing in my belly. The car ride home we talked about our future and our baby. God, we were so happy then. Our innocence was still there and we thought having a baby meant we would watch him grow up.

The same month I found out about Gavin is the month I will have Blake. How crazy is that? It really is funny how things work out.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

A Sign From Gavin

I have always wanted a sign that my baby boy is o.k. Or that he knows how much I love and miss him. Shortly after he died Aiden was in his room laughing and talking. I always felt that was him seeing his brother. Gavin's swing has also went off a few times and some light up decorations have turned on during the night. I like to believe those were my baby. Tonight I saw something that makes me finally believe he can hear me.

I was sitting outside staring at the star that makes me think of him. It's always in the same spot and is always blinking. I started to talk to Gavin like I often do and was hoping that he heard his mama. As soon as I was finished a shooting star went by right next to the blinking one. I believe in signs and I know that was him.

I can't stop crying now. These tears are not all sad but ones of joy mostly. Thank you for letting me  know you are o.k. my baby. I love you Gavin. Tonight when I fall asleep I can feel some peace knowing you can hear me when I talk to you. I miss you my baby and I am so thankful you know that.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Hello October so nice to see you!

I can not believe today is October 1st. I never thought this month would come. This month I am going to have a baby. I really don't know where the time went. It literally feels like yesterday when I finally got a positive pregnancy test. After many negative tests I was beginning to get very worried that something was wrong with me. I began to tell myself that Gavin was a miracle baby and I wasn't ever going to get pregnant again. I have never dealt with fertility issues and I can't imagine how hard that must be. My very irregular periods do make for a tricky time conceiving. I have gone at lest 6 months at a time with out one. I also have very painful periods and started taking birth control very young to help with that. Trying to conceive this baby consisted of temping, trying to track my crazy ovulation and literally doing it every day for months. (Sorry if that's T.M.I.) I just never wanted us to miss a precious ovulation day. So poor Brad was my slave for a while.

Looking back I probably became so obsessed with getting pregnant as a way to give myself something to focus on. I of course wanted to have a baby and have not regretted that decision ever. I just think I went crazy from the get go like this has to happen NOW. I was meant to be a mom though. Not saying I am super mom just saying I love every part of motherhood. Having Gavin was the best thing that ever happened to me and I felt this strong sense of purpose the first time I laid my eyes on him. Then to have that all ripped away left me extremely empty.

So here I am again about to embark on this motherhood journey. I wish I could do it with the innocence of a mom who has never lost a child. That isn't going to happen though and I am going to have to learn to except that. In 23 days (give or take a few) I will have a precious baby in my arms. I really am very excited. I just wish his brother was here to meet him. I will never stop wishing for my boys to be together here on earth. In a perfect world a mother wouldn't have to wish for something like that. In a perfect world a mom would always die before her child. I don't live in a perfect world though.

I just hope the next 23 days can be as perfect as they can be for me. I hope my baby is perfect, healthy and lives a long time after me.   

Monday, September 26, 2011


Sorry I have not blogged in forever! I am 36 weeks pregnant today and finally am feeling ready for this baby to come. Well not now but when he's ready. I have pretty much finished the nursery except for wall decorations (I have them but they are not yet hung). All pumpkin's laundry is done, everything is sterilized, both of our bags are packed and my temp at work finally started today. Thankfully she is catching on really fast and I wouldn't be too worried if we only got this week to train. I'm hoping I will have more time with her then that but if I didn't I think she'd do alright.

I am back to having crazy insomnia and also had the worst sinus infection ever last week. I only worked two half days and one full day I was so sick. I literally felt like a truck hit me and the antibiodics made me feel even worse. This week I'm back to feeling a little more normal. The lack of sleep really sucks though. Laying awake in bed at night is when I have my worst anxiety. My brain replays Gavin's death over and over. I still miss him like crazy and think of him every second of the day. I will always be plagued by the what if's and wondering what life would be like with him still here.

I wonder what he would look like, be able to do, what his personality would be and how he would react to his brother. Yesterday I visited his grave. My grandma and I went together. We planted new flowers and put some little pumpkins on the stone. I always talk to him and remind him his brother can never replace him. I hope he hears me and knows how much I mean that. I wonder if I will be the craziest mother ever and worry about every little thing. I already know I will worry more then normal, I just hope I can enjoy my baby.

Michelle-thanks for your comment and thinking of me even though I haven't been blogging. I still think of all of you every day. I promise to make more of an effort to write.  I am so grateful for all of the wonderful people I've met through my blog. xoxo

Saturday, August 27, 2011


How many weeks? I am almost 32 weeks but I wanted to do an update! I am 31 weeks and 5 days. Only 8 more weeks to go!

How big is baby? A normal sized baby is a little over 3 pounds and about 16 inches long. I of course seem to be carrying a big boy. According to fundal height (which is outside measurement) baby measures 4 weeks ahead. The above picture shows a 3 pound pumpkin.

How are you feeling today? As usual tired. I don't sleep well at night at all. If my anxiety calms down and I can sleep then of course I have to pee. So I feel rather sluggish most days.
Any Symptoms? Terrible heartburn. I have bad acid reflux and up until now it's been o.k. with out any medicine. Just watching what I eat and drinking milk to neutralize the acids has kept it under control. Now it's back with a vengeance. I have even gotten sick from how much acid is in my tummy. It's probably time to take my medicine again which is approved for pregnancy anyways. A weird symptom I have this time is every time I stand up I feel like my insides will fall out. It's rather painful and of course makes me feel like I am going to pee my pants. I am not sure what it is though. I just know when it happens, which is often, it sucks!

Milestones? I was so happy to reach 30 weeks. I feel like once that 3 is in front this is real and the baby is coming soon.

Appointments? I now go to regular appointments every two weeks. My next one is this Thursday. I will also be getting ultrasounds every 3 weeks to monitor babies growth. So on the 7th Pumpkin has a growth check. If he is way too big he might get an early eviction notice. I just don't want it to be too early.

Positive thing about this pregnancy? Giving Aiden a little brother to play with. He knows there is a baby in my belly. He doesn't quit get this baby will come out though and will be his little brother. I hope they love each other very much forever and ever.

Baby names? Dare I say Blake Alexander is the winner? 

Purchases? Let's just say this baby has more clothes then he could ever possibly wear. He also has enough gear to fill a whole house. My mother, grandma, and I may have went a bit overboard. The good thing is everything that had to be bought is. So now I can just shop for things I find cute as I go along.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Darkness Falls

Night time is always the hardest time of day. It's when the world seems to be still and everyone is in a deep, peaceful sleep. This is the hardest, most loneliest time for the bereaved mother. Alone in her thoughts wishing she could just get some rest. Staring at the clock every hour knowing she know only has 6...4...2...0...more hours to sleep before work. Then it's time to get up and push through the day.

I have been having an awful time sleeping again. Not that I ever slept much but there was a few months that I found I was getting a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. Now the thoughts of Gavin and the day he died play over and over in my head so much that I get sick. I can be having a pretty decent night and get to the point where I am drifting off but as soon as I hit the bed I am wide awake. All I can think about is my lifeless baby and trying to revive him. I replay all the thoughts in my head from that day and I can remember every detail. I am one tortured soul right now and am not sure how much longer this can go on. I would like to think that one can not feel such powerful sadness and heartache for the rest of their lives but I am beginning to think that I can. In 10 weeks I will have a little baby who will need a happy mommy. I am hoping the joy of having him here with overpower the repetitive thoughts of my son's death. I don't ever want to forget about Gavin but if I could erase the day he died from my memory I would.

I know a lot of these repetitive thoughts stem from my anxiety not being treated while pregnant. My Dr. is willing to meet me at the hospital once I deliver to start my meds again. I am hoping I won't need them but I am not to proud to admit I do. I know I will never ever stop grieving for my beautiful Gavin but I can't imagine the self torture that's going on right now is a healthy way to grieve. For the rest of my life I will wish Gavin was here, I will talk to him, hold him in my heart and stare helplessly at his pictures. I just do not want to be the most miserable girl on earth anymore. For a while I was able to see a light at the end of the tunnel but that light has faded and I feel so lost.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Don't judge a book by it's cover

I thank God for my family right now. I am blessed to have my mother, father(step but really he is my father), brother, sister and grandmother. They have the best idea (besides Brad) of what I am going through. I can spend time with them knowing if I need to cry I can. People IRL are hard to deal with. They often say things which they think are comforting but to a bereaved mother they sting.  They expect that my wounds have closed and while I still love Gavin I have moved on. No matter how many times you try to express to them that you are still very sad they don't get it and they can't. To them I am working, going places, having a new baby and all that seems to be a sign of moving on.  While I may be able to function better then before I am still grieving the whole time. Believe me I don't want anyone to feel the level of pain a bereaved mother feels. I would rather they think that I am o.k. then to ever have to walk a day in my shoes. It just is pretty lonely here in this bereaved world. I am not the same person and I see life much differently then the normal person.

Going shopping for baby Pumpkin is bittersweet. I find myself drawn to the baby section again which was a place that brought on much grief after the death of my son. I avoided that area of a store like the plague. It was like those baby items were placed there just to bring me pain. The worst was around Christmas time. I should have been buying things for Gavin's 1st Christmas instead I was dreading the holiday that was fast approaching. I had to shop for Aiden though so I drew up some courage and went to brave the crowds. It was what is called "Black Friday" which is the day after Thanksgiving and stores have turned this in to it's own holiday. Everything is on sale and stores open earlier each year. Brad and I went to Toys 'R' Us first. Big mistake. The store was packed and chaotic. I made my way over to Aiden's clothing size whixh was right next to the newborns. At first I was doing o.k. until something that Gavin had caught my eye. That's all it took for me to have a complete meltdown. Amongst all the happy shoppers I stood crying. Some ladies gave me the side eye but probably figured I couldn't find something I wanted and thankfully kept walking.

Now I dart for the baby isle again trying to find whatever it is I think Pumpkin "needs." I still carry the pain in my heart the whole time. I have still started to cry when I come across something that was bought for Gavin. I guess I am so quick to run for the baby things because I never thought I would be there again. My excitement for Pumpkin takes over during those times and helps me through the shopping. I know some find it very hard to shop after a loss for another baby. To me it helps make Pumpkin more real and lets me think of him as a living, breathing baby.

It's crazy the thinking that goes in to simple things such as shopping trips after you lose a child.  A mother can go through her day without thinking twice about many tasks she is doing. The bereaved mother may have to plan a week ahead before being able to enter a grocery store she once went to with her child. I carry Gavin in my heart everywhere I go. To others I am "normal" again and even happy. I know the truth though.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Where is your other baby??

I am a terrible blogger latley I am so sorry! Between chasing Aiden around all by myself, (Brad works 2 jobs now plus OT) plus working full time, preparing for baby and getting the house in order I have no time to write. I am going to make more time though because I need it!

Today I am 28w3d pregnant, which means I am in the 3rd Trimester! I can't believe I have made it this far. I had some troubles in the beginning with spotting and such but it all turned out to be nothing (Thank God). Now here me and baby Pumpkin are still chugging along. I am so glad he has stuck with me and I hope I can see him grow old, have babies and do all the things he is supposed to do. I want nothing more in life then for my children to be safe and healthy. I wanted that for Gavin too. I can't believe he won't be here with his brother.
It's very hard when you are pregnant again because people (strangers) have a lot of questions. They always want to know if this is your first, if it's not then when did you have your first, or how old is he etc. If I am just asked things like If this is my first I can respond with a quick "no" and try to keep it moving. If we get to the when was my other baby born then I respond with his birthday. It's when they get to his age that I don't know what to say. I don't always feel like explaining my situation but I don't want to lie about my sweet boy either. I am not ashamed of him and would tell the whole world about him if I could. People's reactions hold me back though. I often just say my son passed away last year and they drop it. The nosey ones ask why and how? Which I tell them and then they have this brief look of dispair. Followed by a huge smile and something like "well at least you are having another or good luck with this baby." I have heard it all.

Last week a rather rude lady asked me if I was due any day now. To which I responded "No, not until October." Her response was "OMG there is something in the water latley because all pregnant women are HUGE!" Now I have not even gained that much and really it is all in my belly. Even if it wasn't why would you be so damn rude? Well it didn't stop there. She then went on about how every pregnant woman she sees is way bigger then she ever was. Which mind you this lady was no small thing, in fact I was only bigger then her in the belly and maybe butt. Then she asked "Well do you have any other kids?" I said "My first was born in April 2010." She then got an even crazier look on her face because my kids would be so close in age. I walked away from her but heard her say "Well at least they will be best friends." That line hurt the most. I wish my sons could be best friends I would give my life for it.

I was asked several times last week about my pregnancy and other kids. The other times weren't as bad but they all hurt. People do not ever expect you to say "My other child died." Mother's never expect one of their children to die. There is no book on how to handle this and maybe I should think of a line that will make people back off. I don't mind ever talking about Gavin but I don't feel like being quizzed on his death. After all I went through last week with that nonsense I decided to go sit with my Gavin and talk to him. The universe is clearly trying to tell me he wanted me to. So I went to sit with my son at his grave and ask him how he felt about this baby. I explained to him how much I love him and that this baby is not his replacement. He is unreplaceable and I hope he knows that.

Being pregnant after the death of a child is the biggest emotional rollercoaster you could ever ride. Grief and joy are usually not felt together but in this situation they go hand in hand. I have struggled a lot through this pregnancy but there has been a lot of happiness too. I just hope that Gavin knows I love him with my whole being and will wish he was here for the rest of my life. I hope Pumpkin knows I love him in the same way and even if I am sad I am still happy about him. No mother should have to feel this way but I am learning to work with my situation. Pray for my strength or send me good vibes in the next few months, I am going to need it.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I'm A Failure

I miss my son. I am going crazy I think and I just really miss my baby. Everywhere I look lately there is some sort of SIDS warning in my face. The internet, T.V., my magazines and it all makes me feel like the shittiest mother alive. Gavin died of staph and ecoli pneumonia but while he was asleep. So it makes me feel like I did something wrong still. I am filled with guilt over my baby being gone and I am still here. I can't even sleep at night I am so sick about it. How will I ever survive with another newborn?

I suppose I will never sleep or take my eyes off of him that's how. Or perhaps put him in a bubble and never let anyone in my house. Then there's the issue of going back to work. I know that I am never going to want to leave this baby. If I can not stare at him for his first few months alive (hell his first 20 years alive) and know he is o.k. freak outs will ensue. So I am thinking about doing childcare from my home. I am certified in everything and have taken some child classes in college. Besides raised my step baby and have babysat children since age 12. Out of all those kids I kept alive I couldn't do it for my own. I will leave that part out when writing my ad of course.

I miss Gavin and life with him here now seems like a fairytale. If my baby was here everything would be perfect and the majority of this worry would never cross my mind. I miss you Gavin, I hope where you are you are happy and safe. I am sorry I failed you.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Smiling through the tears

I am sorry I have been neglecting writing. I really have a lot to say but am at a loss for time. The second year continues to go on and somehow so do I. I will tell you this dear friends who I may have scared the other day. While the pain is just as unbearable as ever it's not as constant as it once was. I have found I can smile, laugh and joke again. I can be care free sometimes and just go with the moment. I always go back to thinking about Gavin but for that brief time I am able to let myself go. He is of course is always, always on my mind and the fact that he is not here does not suck any less. I just wanted to give some of you that glimmer of hope I so desperately longed for. I never want to stop hurting for my boy but I want to be able to live a bit.

My sweet step baby helps with that a lot. He is so young and so carefree it's hard not to follow his lead. He knows nothing about hurt yet and I hope he never does. Although I know that won't happen. I can pray that he will never know hurt like I have though. He is such a loveable little guy and can make me smile through my tears. I am very lucky to have him in my life.

I hope all of you ladies can feel a little bit of pleasure again, even if for a second. We all have experienced enough pain.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Second Year Blues

I am sorry to scare those of you who are still in the first year. I have to say this though, the second year so far has been harder. I am having an extremely difficult time and its why I haven't written much. The second year for me has been about coming to terms with my feelings. Figuring out how I really feel and then letting myself feel it. Don't get me wrong I felt immense pain in the first year and am still not sure how I made it out alive. Much of that first year though was spent bargaining and pretending instead of really feeling.

After Gavin died I spent time researching ways that I could bring him back. Researching time machines, time travelers, genies in a bottle, you name it. Sound crazy? Have your kid die and then you will find out there is nothing you won't do, say or think about to bring them back. While I know all these things aren't real, I had to explore any and every option. I had to see if some one out there swore they had some magic, some crazy answer, because I would hunt them down. With all my worldly possessions and my bank account drained I would find that person and trade it all for some of their magic.  Of course I found some outrageous stories on the internet but nothing that was written by anyone remotely sane. Probably they were bereaved parents too and if so I don't blame them for being out of their minds.

After I gave up my witch hunt I turned to God. I begged him to bring my son back. Just let me wake up with him in his bassinet and I won't ask any questions. I will become a  nun in fact and never sin again. I would spend the rest of my life trying to convert the non believers. I would do anything God just bring my son back. Apparently my offers weren't good enough because we all know Gavin still isn't here. But God, if you are reading this, those offers still stand.

Once I accepted the fact that Gavin wasn't coming back is when the pain began. I finally realized about 6 months after he died that nothing would bring him back and I would never see him again. You think I would of come to this realization the day I buried him. Even then I didn't give up on my sweet boy. The pain I was feeling was so overwhelming that I thought there was no way I would have to spend my days like that. At that point I still believed this was all a nightmare and I would wake up any second. If this is a nightmare it's a cruel one.

So if you aren't as crazy as me maybe you have already experienced all of the hurt you can in the first year. Maybe the second won't get any better but won't get any worse. For me it feels like the real sadness is just starting. The numbness has completely wore off and I am left to really experience the pain. My sweet angel Gavin is not coming back. I have accepted this but where do I go from here?

Monday, July 11, 2011

*25 weeks*

How many weeks? I am 25 weeks this week! I have been slacking so bad on updating about my baby and I feel horrible :(  Last week was viability week. Which means if the baby is born now he has a 90% chance of making it. About the size of an eggplant.

How big is baby? Baby should weigh around a pound and a half. He is also about thirteen and a half inches long.

How are you feeling today? Good for the most part. My insomnia and nausea have both returned though. I haven't slept well all week. Which could be baby or stress related or both.
Any Symptoms?I have constant movement now. This baby boy is bossy! No matter which side I lay on he kicks the crap out of me until I move. He also kicks my crotch area a lot. My little sister thinks it's funny and calls him ninja baby.

Milestones? Reaching 24 weeks!

Appointments? I had to move my appointment to this Monday because of stupid work. I had a ton to do last week. If I wasn't feeling constant movement there is no way I would postpone it.

Positive thing about this pregnancy? Getting to be a mommy for the second time.

Baby names? I am pretty sure Blake Alexander wins.
Purchases? So far animal plates, a stuffed lamb, duckie pjs, a box of diapers and baby wash. I obviously have a ton of brand new stuff already. Now to add on to that I got two outfits from Carter's, a night time baby wash, and some wall decorations for the baby's room. (Sorry if you find this part boring it's kind of helping me keep track) For this week we got some garment bags to wash babies clothes, a boppy pillow with two covers, some socks, and an outfit from Carter's. This week I bought three more outfits, a pair of pjs, a Carter's Giraffe and a carter's monkey that holds the pacifier. In the past few weeks I got a little brother outfit, lord knows how many regular outfits, some room decorations and I am sure I am missing something. I buy things every single week sometimes a few times a week. I get scolded by everyone around me too. Well guess what I will buy what I want, when I want. He is my baby and it's my money. Jeez!

Monday, July 4, 2011

I love my babies

So many emotions going on latley that I have been at a loss for words. I feel pretty bipolar with the constant up and downs. There are days where I have that uncontrollable pain . I look at a picture of Gavin and realize that's all he is any more..a picture. Obviously to me he is so much more but I can only touch his picture, his clothes, his toys and blankets. Objects that will never come close to the feeling of my babies skin or the sound of his cry and coo's. I let out cries that are animal like again. Unconsolable cries that are the sounds of a mother without her child. I've been crying for Gavin so many days & nights  I feel like he just died yesterday. My mother has been crying for him a lot too. I wish our tears counted for something and if we cried enough he would come back.

Then I have days that I am happy like actually excited. I can't wait to meet this little baby growing and kicking inside of me. I have been doing a lot of things in the nursery and buying a bunch of baby items. Then I feel guilty for having such good days and feel worse the next.

I am 6 months pregnant today and I love my babies, both of them.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

My Boys

I never took a picture with Aiden and Gavin together. I regret that so much that it pains me deeply. Aiden was such an active little boy at the time and was starting to hate getting his picture taken. When I was alone with them both I was too busy to worry about getting the camera out or even my phone. By the time daddy got home I was too exhausted to think. These are all lame excuses though and don't make me feel any better. I never got a picture of my two boys and I will never get the chance. Nor will I get the chance to take one of all three boys, or any future children with them as well. This is why I made a picture myself, with all three of them together. It's the best I am going to get.

Besides all that I am stuck in a rut. I feel like I am so far along in pregnancy and so far behind in doing Pumpkin's nursery. How can I possibly go through all of my Gavin's things though? The emotions that will come out will be strong and painful. Here is the blanket I brought him home with, here is the blanket he died with in the hospital. Here is the stuffed animal grandpa bought him when he was born, here is the one I bought to lay with him in his hospital crib before he died. This is why I keep buying so much stuff. Maybe if I buy all new stuff, I won't have to go through his things, right? But then I don't want to get rid of his things either. I think using them with Pumpkin will remind me of Gavin in a good way.

Such topsy turvy crazy emotions. I miss you Gavin more and more each day.