tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27189432701742542802024-03-18T20:26:58.247-07:00Learning To FlyLearning How To Live AgainBellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.comBlogger108125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-20579125152395758582013-11-12T16:29:00.001-08:002013-11-12T16:29:58.193-08:00Here Comes The Hurtful Days......I mean Holidays.<br />
<br />
Let me start out by sending love to all my grieving parents. I know how hard this time of year is.<br />
<br />
First the hard days start (for my anyways) with Halloween. I am sure I have told this story on here before. I will tell it again anyways. It was just a few weeks shy of Halloween when Brad and I found out we were expecting Gavin. I was nervous, excited and filled with many emotions. I wanted to call my mom right away and tell her. She is my best friend and I tell her everything. I wanted to let it all absorb in first though too. It killed me every time I talked to her to not say anything. A week later we took my step son to a pumpkin patch and to one of our favorite diner's after. That diner is next door to where I later had my baby shower, a beautiful Hall named Michael's.<br />
<br />
As we ate I watched how much joy my step son brought to my family. I couldn't wait any longer to tell them we would now have another baby to love on. I just wasn't sure how. We went back to my parent's after lunch and I grinned stupidly while thinking of my secret. My mom finally said "What's up with you? Tell me?" I said "How about you guess?" She said some silly things and then said "You're pregnant!?" I blurted out "Yes." It felt so good to finally let her know. She cried and hugged me. Then told my step-dad who got overwhelmed and puked. He apologized after and we laughed at him. He said he was very excited but that caught him off guard. Next we told my brother and sister who were so thrilled to have a niece or nephew on the way.<br />
<br />
Usually for Halloween I would be out somewhere drinking, dancing and dressed like some skanky version of a girl from a fairy tale. That year I stayed home, handed out candy and talked to the tiny baby in my belly.<br />
<br />
Never would I have thought that would be my baby's only Halloween.<br />
<br />
I held up appearances this year and got Blake all excited for the first year that he sort of understood what was going on. I had a great time with my little family and friends. My mind couldn't help but wonder how different things would be if my sweet boy were here.<br />
<br />
Now for your viewing pleasure, here is my little Frankenstein:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkHceuL5qqOzunMwm1hYXJDR0iaJzUODCd4kVSsJxrKRTrjAnmH7ceiZRvA2G0u_iTnl6vbKit0QJZEr0jhe6flapBXdmM_n79VZDz7LzTTDIrHdD4iynu5rGY1bFssWEwwagW_VHstOVG/s1600/Halloween1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkHceuL5qqOzunMwm1hYXJDR0iaJzUODCd4kVSsJxrKRTrjAnmH7ceiZRvA2G0u_iTnl6vbKit0QJZEr0jhe6flapBXdmM_n79VZDz7LzTTDIrHdD4iynu5rGY1bFssWEwwagW_VHstOVG/s320/Halloween1.jpg" width="254" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6d9TZTCNpm4M43BTy17B6G07lVLjPtDpK42EGUP3zdfF5sR4BtSagHnBXP1U-qdtsHTUIwnU1T1-crJRBoczOx8cfNoyHh61U7r6ybLr4f6isATYfikxyOG0LBuq0hR0D8ZlYc2fenMct/s1600/Halloween2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6d9TZTCNpm4M43BTy17B6G07lVLjPtDpK42EGUP3zdfF5sR4BtSagHnBXP1U-qdtsHTUIwnU1T1-crJRBoczOx8cfNoyHh61U7r6ybLr4f6isATYfikxyOG0LBuq0hR0D8ZlYc2fenMct/s320/Halloween2.jpg" width="291" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI89as79qWu-gij8EJQhqxZ6oq7EfKVFvhWc2gmNWjGurlo8K69uHx7nuVIw36gypoe5cnZC3LP9Yp8g767MItVV9fSXEK2ILOM9G5anpS_jNoDu-Zl-rUPWOwlw0mZk2FoiDiCzOVcpLH/s1600/Halloween3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI89as79qWu-gij8EJQhqxZ6oq7EfKVFvhWc2gmNWjGurlo8K69uHx7nuVIw36gypoe5cnZC3LP9Yp8g767MItVV9fSXEK2ILOM9G5anpS_jNoDu-Zl-rUPWOwlw0mZk2FoiDiCzOVcpLH/s320/Halloween3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-25392024480085507182013-10-26T12:41:00.003-07:002013-10-26T12:41:21.740-07:00Back To BasicsHello All,<br />
<br />
I know, I know I have neglected my blog for much too long. So let's play catch up, shall we? I now as of October 18th have a 2 year old! That's right my baby Blakey is 2 years old. When the Hell did that happen? He is a busy, loveable, talkative, happy, smart, sweet, momma's boy. As I write this he is laying on my leg in fact. I am so grateful for him every day and am amazed at all the things he does.<br />
<br />
The terrible 2's have hit us months ago though. I can't keep up with this kid to save my life. He's either flushing things down the potty, cracking eggs on the floor, climbing on the table or plotting his next move. I SHOULD be skinny by now.<br />
<br />
We have also been doing lots of fun fall activities. Going apple picking, to pumpkin patches and playing outside before the weather turns freezing (which today it is). Blake is going to be Frankenstein for Halloween. He makes a cute one too. He got to wear his costume to church for a Halloween party today.<br />
<br />
Last Saturday was his Birthday Party. He had a SpongeBob themed party. I might have overdid it with the gift bags and decorations but you only turn 2 once right? Only suck of the day is the large amount of people who ditched. Really pisses me off because I gave them all several out before I bought party favors and while I could still change the food/cake.Every single one of them insisted on how they were coming up until the party. Then an hour after the party started I had to call THEM. I got the same lame excuses that were clearly made up. Those people are now blacklisted. I think it's pretty ridiculous to hurt a 2 year olds feelings but ditching his party. What can you do though?<br />
<br />
I think I am going to write a book on party manners. People need to realize a lot of money and planning is spent. When you ditch just for the heck of it you are putting the host out. <br />
<br />
All in all Blake had a great time, got a ton of cool gifts and his happiness is all that matters.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yQE6jJEdUkU/UmwXApBrVKI/AAAAAAAAAhE/q_uA8zQMoLw/s1600/frankenstein.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yQE6jJEdUkU/UmwXApBrVKI/AAAAAAAAAhE/q_uA8zQMoLw/s320/frankenstein.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHvlLQlKMbZ_KKhc2CXFPFZAsQvmDPsalDsw4e99vNu3DXkx08oohljrDJGQF_o4CUniQwZQWxwaJlRFMXxeUT7twuDfEiQfyFJGcPrLMhluXtB72QP92PxBYJtbpDckD2ZNBM1bowWaW5/s1600/004.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHvlLQlKMbZ_KKhc2CXFPFZAsQvmDPsalDsw4e99vNu3DXkx08oohljrDJGQF_o4CUniQwZQWxwaJlRFMXxeUT7twuDfEiQfyFJGcPrLMhluXtB72QP92PxBYJtbpDckD2ZNBM1bowWaW5/s320/004.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVddCQPiRQKHlcZjh8X0moaGfO8ZRHrSglBfFfRIlImZ3UxiEz4EVX4Q1JaqW8fINnKzEak9bBULHJohHoTIHRY5wVkqgJ5iqBKArp8sF2499cQvpvPRg9chS0IQyBU-RySXwTHS2YkNjt/s1600/005.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVddCQPiRQKHlcZjh8X0moaGfO8ZRHrSglBfFfRIlImZ3UxiEz4EVX4Q1JaqW8fINnKzEak9bBULHJohHoTIHRY5wVkqgJ5iqBKArp8sF2499cQvpvPRg9chS0IQyBU-RySXwTHS2YkNjt/s320/005.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP2yfljPgAgU6QQmitX2C3QDFqeetJF4oGjcw8FPmfFhU9QgX6sYxdaYL9MEON4VllaC9bs3SRZ9hSboOxJrKQnSiH7uhWAgWBP-ZTvrmIvymEU11sftO28CXnEF6GhU-S0z7aqsPONFee/s1600/012.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP2yfljPgAgU6QQmitX2C3QDFqeetJF4oGjcw8FPmfFhU9QgX6sYxdaYL9MEON4VllaC9bs3SRZ9hSboOxJrKQnSiH7uhWAgWBP-ZTvrmIvymEU11sftO28CXnEF6GhU-S0z7aqsPONFee/s320/012.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhBp6OX0hyphenhyphenk436qQgEHqF9zsg1F_d4PVxQmZOmTSK0aDwI18ZvEUwF5rqFAslu9_bMEFIensCD2PSlhyASJmU2i9dpFvMNzW7b2GQrxNMGoRKjBxZJmsncq1ZAJkJX_cadGX-gTkQgD-Tn/s1600/013.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhBp6OX0hyphenhyphenk436qQgEHqF9zsg1F_d4PVxQmZOmTSK0aDwI18ZvEUwF5rqFAslu9_bMEFIensCD2PSlhyASJmU2i9dpFvMNzW7b2GQrxNMGoRKjBxZJmsncq1ZAJkJX_cadGX-gTkQgD-Tn/s320/013.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqIjGJtxuSQFPC1PFaFGoqc16PA53vDpd7_KM0drMh762H4BREG-rmdaJA9CPZ2vvu9XZv8YHvX-Di3RhEvQRI2hDg6qwHhhLfzMZW-JcuMdBCNDWpUTu4U-RD-kF-R6z9m9WGcpCZPz5y/s1600/016.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqIjGJtxuSQFPC1PFaFGoqc16PA53vDpd7_KM0drMh762H4BREG-rmdaJA9CPZ2vvu9XZv8YHvX-Di3RhEvQRI2hDg6qwHhhLfzMZW-JcuMdBCNDWpUTu4U-RD-kF-R6z9m9WGcpCZPz5y/s320/016.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdjPOOXj9nsU3uAeYrdwkry8NOSLkzUKjxPEJPonZ88r46W_lZGNmXHMqa-kAIq4Cs9QNBLrFpz3B-L16IMaB0_XKeKYdcMHTvC0HQNMLow9VAnfs0S7-j6fy9Hr23b1qPYFIjI7xsEQPz/s1600/010.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdjPOOXj9nsU3uAeYrdwkry8NOSLkzUKjxPEJPonZ88r46W_lZGNmXHMqa-kAIq4Cs9QNBLrFpz3B-L16IMaB0_XKeKYdcMHTvC0HQNMLow9VAnfs0S7-j6fy9Hr23b1qPYFIjI7xsEQPz/s320/010.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Change of subject now. Important change. As I am sure you all know it is baby and infant loss awareness month. I have been posting things on my FB and lighting candles for all of our angels. This month gets hard for me because I wish I didn't have to be a statistic. I wish I could go on about my naive way of life and live it up with my two boys by myself.<br />
<br />
Here:s a funny story about Gavin:<br />
<br />
The first time the nurse let Brad and I change him in the NICU it was a disaster. It was hard because he was so small and attached to so many things. I was trying my best to get the new diaper on as fast as possible. Then it happened. Explosive, think, brown meconium poop, everywhere!!! Poor baby it was on his head, our clothes, the pic lines, everything. We finally did get him cleaned up and in a fresh new diaper though. I would give anything to have more memories with him.<br />
<br />
Love you Gavin Alexander, forever and always.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFsPLM_rrTQq7RFqyavpUdh2SSP1BbDHzYTx8xksMyZ3H3QEYgEp2iCjry0Sy8_ZwNqcszApwa1cvAS49yfWHT6sSXwgVcqVHqqYj0UclHD95sDXTqOcKofJhe1pjlCgRD9lRX5GeH0VK4/s1600/gavin17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFsPLM_rrTQq7RFqyavpUdh2SSP1BbDHzYTx8xksMyZ3H3QEYgEp2iCjry0Sy8_ZwNqcszApwa1cvAS49yfWHT6sSXwgVcqVHqqYj0UclHD95sDXTqOcKofJhe1pjlCgRD9lRX5GeH0VK4/s320/gavin17.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_gxngihvi5Iv_-9KvLbUu1UeusQLsax0wrAdL5rYTGFeILhw_HmQGpJFWCrQ5UuBVWwNUch7RVXnQOvoMei7AL355W7XgBHDI_6kVLGiNEVI9fq8H2xlYfaBaZm4rR1Qpr3In-WnAk1Vw/s1600/infantloss3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_gxngihvi5Iv_-9KvLbUu1UeusQLsax0wrAdL5rYTGFeILhw_HmQGpJFWCrQ5UuBVWwNUch7RVXnQOvoMei7AL355W7XgBHDI_6kVLGiNEVI9fq8H2xlYfaBaZm4rR1Qpr3In-WnAk1Vw/s1600/infantloss3.png" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLJoD_Tbb2Nh7X2dmMS8YIdVQuf28IgqrqQAeENBXIDAVMKYh9Xib3xYVRqiD5Ps9uerLwxdPaPveGWWfI4NnMkiPMPKFbU-JwNSw7bGduTr8FuF_O4Ukh_tHPju6RkOPuxFWuzccsjucV/s1600/infantloss.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLJoD_Tbb2Nh7X2dmMS8YIdVQuf28IgqrqQAeENBXIDAVMKYh9Xib3xYVRqiD5Ps9uerLwxdPaPveGWWfI4NnMkiPMPKFbU-JwNSw7bGduTr8FuF_O4Ukh_tHPju6RkOPuxFWuzccsjucV/s1600/infantloss.gif" /></a></div>
BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-43221839872752561162013-09-24T19:26:00.003-07:002013-09-24T19:26:33.813-07:00Hello Old FriendsIt has been way too long. I have been crazy busy between work and my main job being a mommy to a toddler. Life has been going as good as to be expected. I have my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days. Then I have days where I feel like a person again. My laugh and good spirit has come back. Blake has played a big part in that. He is so happy and brings much joy. I am truly blessed to have him in my life. I miss Gavin every single day still and always will. Sometimes the pain is just as overwhelming as the day I said goodbye to my sweet boy.<br />
<br />
Recently I made a revelation though. Although I miss my boy with all of my heart I realized I was projecting other issues on to his passing. I am learning through counseling to confront those issues and it has been a great help. I know now that other things that were making me miserable were intensified by losing my sweet boy. All I can do is take each day step by step and handle whatever is thrown at me the best I can. I still will have my breakdowns but am able to recover from them quicker.<br />
<br />
As much as I wish I didn't have to walk this path, I don't have any other chance. Gavin is walking beside me with each step I take. I feel him all around me. I hope all my other grieving mommas are doing the best they can, remember that's all we can do. Just wanted to write a quick entry. I will be back asap to write a longer one. Much love to you all. XOXOBellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-57776094042344916532013-08-19T17:15:00.000-07:002013-11-13T05:36:00.552-08:00Blakey and His Rides!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpJzPOpdaS0jbKz4RzRcbwkuT33gFPrhVpJxMTpfbnQU1OdJgIErPcjT4W3fJBNieZsF3JF8NpHbxKshGWVpL-4B1Tii5sYAd_LdeaoBFyvE_kuirWPvs7nX-7zbbhfPHTYnirGj9awTSD/s1600/fair.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpJzPOpdaS0jbKz4RzRcbwkuT33gFPrhVpJxMTpfbnQU1OdJgIErPcjT4W3fJBNieZsF3JF8NpHbxKshGWVpL-4B1Tii5sYAd_LdeaoBFyvE_kuirWPvs7nX-7zbbhfPHTYnirGj9awTSD/s320/fair.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi64Uc4jlVs0Dw4vW2vjys7ZXBppem4NIpgDzgTWWXRzNHQrFji18gAxRoCEdlnJVIEcc0y2proT7AMeDQrVXdvALGRma_Y3ACVe9M8q0YArM0XWbWA25QPE_ezgdhnlUYUppYbhWTWVZIF/s1600/fair2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi64Uc4jlVs0Dw4vW2vjys7ZXBppem4NIpgDzgTWWXRzNHQrFji18gAxRoCEdlnJVIEcc0y2proT7AMeDQrVXdvALGRma_Y3ACVe9M8q0YArM0XWbWA25QPE_ezgdhnlUYUppYbhWTWVZIF/s320/fair2.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCQyDgx5x7Q0EkeKGE6PwH0t8dEBOkT1kuCTk8nQnsnaycKPdmZ5PFhQBKyTRQNeZOavceuvJs8i2R5zZMFDHTY_VF23SNt1ZvEHWYgzmKRAwShvBPVpaJQ7nohtTm6lgMQszK0A5WJdgu/s1600/fair3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCQyDgx5x7Q0EkeKGE6PwH0t8dEBOkT1kuCTk8nQnsnaycKPdmZ5PFhQBKyTRQNeZOavceuvJs8i2R5zZMFDHTY_VF23SNt1ZvEHWYgzmKRAwShvBPVpaJQ7nohtTm6lgMQszK0A5WJdgu/s320/fair3.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMl503Y980RT7udT1mdM_6oa1veyIw1ikpxGrgqtpDgEj_bxvA11AhIUnU62FaJ-Hmd6jIzSSfRkGlkBhvQP2KfEm0ME7naP17R9AVTwDVDoMnrU_RHYJCePDlfnMQcPAYNq8g4WLk3Ym8/s1600/fair4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMl503Y980RT7udT1mdM_6oa1veyIw1ikpxGrgqtpDgEj_bxvA11AhIUnU62FaJ-Hmd6jIzSSfRkGlkBhvQP2KfEm0ME7naP17R9AVTwDVDoMnrU_RHYJCePDlfnMQcPAYNq8g4WLk3Ym8/s320/fair4.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTZy4fTC_DqWWQWtrTmFZvXmk8Ow4dpBk6v0zAZ6SH2k-hvK1EP2TAL7B9FN_5AdPJJYIHx1qkyKGBPe88aBj3jVjt4Rn_4wfGuA2yTBniqMArbLsB0Hv9O7wqPewGwBYHixJL2mJMp5gz/s1600/fair6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTZy4fTC_DqWWQWtrTmFZvXmk8Ow4dpBk6v0zAZ6SH2k-hvK1EP2TAL7B9FN_5AdPJJYIHx1qkyKGBPe88aBj3jVjt4Rn_4wfGuA2yTBniqMArbLsB0Hv9O7wqPewGwBYHixJL2mJMp5gz/s320/fair6.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>
<br />BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-3042404150804760962013-08-19T16:15:00.000-07:002013-11-13T05:36:48.543-08:00Searching For StephanieWhen I was in my teens and twenties I was a happy girl. The life of the party. Out every weekend, hitting up all the music festivals, art shows, club nights, events in Toronto and patiently waiting for the weekend where I could let loose and dance my cares away to my favorite DJ.<br />
<br />
As I got to be about 23 I started to get burned out on that life. My heart was set on settling down and becoming a mom. When I went shopping I was drawn to to the baby clothes. Names of future children passed through my head as I pictured them in those adorable outfits. Since I was a small girl all I wanted to be was a mom. I have always had a lot of love and patience for children that others took notice to. I loved babysitting and helping out with my younger siblings. The innocence of the young and purity of their hearts captivated me. I always knew I would be a mom.<br />
<br />
.....Never in my worst nightmare did I think I would be a bereaved mom. I will say I did know something in my life wouldn't go as planned. I constantly had nightmares, many of them involved the death of my mother. I would wake up, tears streaming down my face, sometimes my own screams would actually make me jump out of bed. Who knows if they had any connection or were trying to warn me of Gavin's death but they were awful. Not as awful of what was to come of course.<br />
<br />
Now here I am still in my twenties. Long gone are the days of being the life of the party, the weekend trips and the countless festivals. Long gone are the dreams of having the perfect life, with all of my kids and I.<br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong Blake brings me immense joy. I don't know what I would do with out him.<br />
<br />
I just want Stephanie back. That happy girl people loved to be around. The one always pulling pranks, telling jokes and making others smile. I miss her so very much. I know a lot of other people do too as I have been told numerous times. I've come to terms with the fact that she is not coming back. I just wish everyone else would...<br />
<br />
<3 Gavin <3<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsEp0CqjsjfrBkvvjjcgn-EnHuOx1hRw2OQ5chGOo6Z4eNr4vU358dQR-y0aDAtynmSHRXpy055pRtyIY97555B70uhQoRYH1EO8yAgAkitDnMzXuQfhRnLYBlhjVp5pPlx33MIQ_kMIpJ/s1600/angel2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsEp0CqjsjfrBkvvjjcgn-EnHuOx1hRw2OQ5chGOo6Z4eNr4vU358dQR-y0aDAtynmSHRXpy055pRtyIY97555B70uhQoRYH1EO8yAgAkitDnMzXuQfhRnLYBlhjVp5pPlx33MIQ_kMIpJ/s320/angel2.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
<br />BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-70599200220091178622013-01-24T06:14:00.001-08:002013-01-24T06:14:21.989-08:00What Ifs and Whys?Today is a what if and why kind of day. The kind where I say what if Gavin had lived. Why does this have to be my life? I started going to therapy. My therapist is VERY religious. I have struggled with that part since Gavin died. Do I believe in God still? Yes. Am I angry with him? Yes. Do I realize my anger may be misplaced and it may be time to let go? Kind of.<br />
<br />
My therapist has been working with me on not being angry with God and the Dr's,/Nurses who caused me all this pain. He wants me to give my pain and anger up to God. He has not had a child die. He does not realize I can sit in his office and hold his hand, pray, while agreeing I am going to give that anger away. Then then next day I see my friend with her two kids the ages mine should be and that anger takes over me faster then I can handle. He has asked if I have sought legal help. Which yes, at one point I did. Once I got in to it with my lawyer and realized all it entailed I stopped answering his emails. I didn't want to be badgered with questions. I wanted answers. I didn't want a monetary reward. I wanted to look those "medical professionals" in the face and let them know how they took my life away. How their carelessness left a broken family behind. How not only do Brad and I suffer but my entire family who loved Gavin so much. Who prepared for his birth since the day they found out I was pregnant, who loved him before we knew him, who sat by him every single day and night in the NICU. A mother who never put her baby down was know left with a broken heart and empty arms. <br />
<br />
What if the first Dr listened to me when I said I was going in to labor early. Maybe I would have never had to. Or when I begged for a c-section my son wouldn't have swallowed his meconium. Maybe he wouldn't have been in the NICU long. He wouldn't have caught any diseases and he would be running around right now like he should be. Like other mothers get to experience. Instead he never saw two months and I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I am mad. Today I am having one of those life fucking sucks days.<br />
<br />
That's right I fucking hate this life. I want my old one back. It may not have been perfect but there wasn't pain and misery beyond my control. If something was wrong I could fix it. I don't mean I want to have never had Gavin. I would never take that back. I just want to go back knowing what I know now and save him. I want my baby here and I deserve that.<br />
<br />
I guess I thought I came such a long way after my last session and today I feel like absolute shit. Will the rest of my life be this way? Why do I have to have this life? After my first session that is all I did was cry to my family uncontrollably. Asking why did this have to be MY life? No one has an answer for that. I can not do this much longer. I am regressing terribly but not letting anyone know.<br />
<br />
I just have to come to terms with this is my life and figure out how do I go on the next X amount of years while staying sane? I miss my baby bad today. Today is a shit day.BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-62902390083456372002013-01-05T08:15:00.000-08:002013-01-05T08:15:53.116-08:00Absentee Stephanie Sorry I am no good at this blogging anymore. I always mean to but my time is stretched so thin not much of it is for myself to get deep in to thought.<br />
<br />
I did blog on Blake's birthday but didn't recognize it properly. On October 18th Blake turned one year old! I have to admit the doom and gloom part of myself never thought it would come. The other part of me thought of course it would but I didn't want my baby to grow up. He is now 14 months old and busy, busy, busy! He says a lot of words, mimics things you say and is mostly walking now. Sometimes he realizes his better escape plan is to crawl so he reverts back to that. I am sad that he is no longer my tiny little squishy baby but so happy to have seen him celebrate a birthday and learn new things each day. He is also still a very happy baby who loves to dance, "sing" and watch SpongeBob Square Pants. (His brother got him hooked what can I do?) Overall Blake is in good health, active, tall, thin and has helped me to return to that happy girl I once was.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8ovNx2hVS_RRqK1ahPv1I-GoHBaS4HYZ2nE_ObVLVKsFggTApfl2QbZSjsizI-aONQ5silOsmw8QjUwfUN1KcN6nkhrsXIN2D1mCxf_Zbb9uq-tkP9zWYjKVNzTt9rDt68JqzQDLngHMW/s1600/021.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8ovNx2hVS_RRqK1ahPv1I-GoHBaS4HYZ2nE_ObVLVKsFggTApfl2QbZSjsizI-aONQ5silOsmw8QjUwfUN1KcN6nkhrsXIN2D1mCxf_Zbb9uq-tkP9zWYjKVNzTt9rDt68JqzQDLngHMW/s320/021.JPG" width="320" /> </a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhev2kz8J-3c42-CYQjFCELz9it26_SQEzyZf_ghH0y5y2e4IF624vXvAEWCKuSlHXiqXpt91EQtCCvT8gIsgtBqOa4uhXfE-sksEnTL4iBihfzAYL5tMtZLWxAR-eccd3AShTj8jrE6m8V/s1600/162.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhev2kz8J-3c42-CYQjFCELz9it26_SQEzyZf_ghH0y5y2e4IF624vXvAEWCKuSlHXiqXpt91EQtCCvT8gIsgtBqOa4uhXfE-sksEnTL4iBihfzAYL5tMtZLWxAR-eccd3AShTj8jrE6m8V/s320/162.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAS0RA3p0Nn2Gt7PiJ1EEM768H1-XTTyg2oMrPWV8TrkkQBhj28nRvvo0AVmNQ5wUE9ni8W884UUjE1WUNG1bs8oxaIoeDa_JFgRZLQdGcOWK1IyDX1tcPvWKZnEcbTjk6LUKP8NI_iiWC/s1600/183.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAS0RA3p0Nn2Gt7PiJ1EEM768H1-XTTyg2oMrPWV8TrkkQBhj28nRvvo0AVmNQ5wUE9ni8W884UUjE1WUNG1bs8oxaIoeDa_JFgRZLQdGcOWK1IyDX1tcPvWKZnEcbTjk6LUKP8NI_iiWC/s320/183.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYubPLb8GMPr16UyECe0s3-CW4wU7EFS49zuEc7-evBS5noVZrCofcGLAavfhnEqvoMpNIRtmHAqDG0Sh-dcSOAThpYxG5Ww2IJAcat8meVIxS_pWZvgW0Rr-561fr4zir6VXofPAmSrcX/s1600/181.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYubPLb8GMPr16UyECe0s3-CW4wU7EFS49zuEc7-evBS5noVZrCofcGLAavfhnEqvoMpNIRtmHAqDG0Sh-dcSOAThpYxG5Ww2IJAcat8meVIxS_pWZvgW0Rr-561fr4zir6VXofPAmSrcX/s320/181.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQqLG2iEX5ikApJ-9XS-nDVS-qFJp5o7GeiPlMKNNVWEYDF_nGuq1jVxViCxxHbIn8zMkXHLzlsuFpxSKIItOHljlU-oMdfuEtGVn4whLudrYy9JD-lfZT4m7qo8cWUC9AtikygvxRtzX3/s1600/190.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQqLG2iEX5ikApJ-9XS-nDVS-qFJp5o7GeiPlMKNNVWEYDF_nGuq1jVxViCxxHbIn8zMkXHLzlsuFpxSKIItOHljlU-oMdfuEtGVn4whLudrYy9JD-lfZT4m7qo8cWUC9AtikygvxRtzX3/s320/190.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEKajWztEZ_1T7fP1uoWcE_k-tB0SPDD_NPKMVMCuonsZSQ9AiCJ4272xxNeJetLClUF-o4aDx4h8hYvBJlk6_PflG07f_oxz7O5qvnsEsqKZLwGv3gzjDW9kFBq4RfFx255Pu8aT6lGIN/s1600/184.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEKajWztEZ_1T7fP1uoWcE_k-tB0SPDD_NPKMVMCuonsZSQ9AiCJ4272xxNeJetLClUF-o4aDx4h8hYvBJlk6_PflG07f_oxz7O5qvnsEsqKZLwGv3gzjDW9kFBq4RfFx255Pu8aT6lGIN/s320/184.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-92057402686371248802012-11-01T15:27:00.001-07:002012-11-01T15:27:53.003-07:00Day 31<div><p><b>Sunset-I have beenv trying since yesterday to get a sunset. Because of Hurricaine Sandy though we haven't seen the sun in a while.</b></p>
<p><b>I'm glad I did this project. While some </b><b>days it made me revisit memories that I like to tuck away, others it made me remember the good times I had through out my pregnancy and Gavin's much too </b><b>short life. Thanks to Carly Marie for creating this way to release many angel mommies across the globes grief.</b></p>
<p><b>I will always love and miss you my sweet baby. Until we meet again. </b></p>
<br/><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpHMCuDSfAPJzpgQcnTM01z0ccyCutoWvT9Ldgo2Lvgn_N3g5Pb94T52XbGkky6v-rY0n5g5jYFUqXapdQvmb3JQoPFZV3Nva-ff50cB2xX60jscI-99S2QGO3On7tewJ9YN1TDksq3Gws/' /></div>BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-15984346679333438902012-10-31T04:39:00.002-07:002012-10-31T04:39:33.730-07:00Day 30<strong>Day 30. Your Grief – Tell The World-Not the best picture but I had to have it taken at work in the early morning because Brad was at work late last night.</strong><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiN0RFLPu9SBUaPExza86PMHtfiGuB65Z-G1E5rXlZd-irIfQZI7A0aJxp_8_uo7lQBMygUcooXUuzB-9B9wVlzRKr3CWBeqtUOQmx3_XmX0B6fk_195dpbplsSGENzr96IIAuHnSI733Q/s1600/me.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" qea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiN0RFLPu9SBUaPExza86PMHtfiGuB65Z-G1E5rXlZd-irIfQZI7A0aJxp_8_uo7lQBMygUcooXUuzB-9B9wVlzRKr3CWBeqtUOQmx3_XmX0B6fk_195dpbplsSGENzr96IIAuHnSI733Q/s320/me.bmp" width="233" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Since Blogger insists on making the picture so small I will write what it says:</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
"Though you may feel like the <u>only</u> mommy whose heart is broken in two, I walk this path with you along with millions on mommies too. For all you angel mommies I want to make it known, no matter how bad you feel, You are <u>never</u> alone."</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I love you my angel: Gavin Alexander</div>
BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-35213290345199058572012-10-29T18:11:00.001-07:002012-10-29T18:11:17.923-07:00Day 29<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<strong>Day 29. Music- This is easy for me. When I had Gavin this
song came out. It was a fun song to sing along to before his death but
after it meant so much more. I changed it to my ringback tone ( a song
when you call someones phone) because I wanted people to know how I
felt. I needed a miracle, a dream, a wish. My mom says she cries when it
comes on the radio. Sometimes I do, sometimes I think about how far I
have come. Either way this song reminds me of my baby and is special to
me.</strong><br />
<strong><br /></strong>
<br />"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars<br />
I could really use a wish right now, a wish right now, a wish right now<br />
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars<br />
I could really use a wish right now, a wish right now, a wish right now<br />
<br />
I could use a dream or a genie or a wish<br />
To go back to a place much simpler than this."<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/kn6-c223DUU?fs=1" width="480"></iframe>BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-31508784250182960832012-10-28T12:47:00.001-07:002012-10-28T12:47:32.525-07:00Day 28<strong>Day 28. Memory-This is a good memory that replays in my head the most. It was a beautiful day outside, I just got my check finally for medical leave and I was going to buy my baby some clothes. Since he was premature and it was very hot for that type of year he needed things I hadn't prepared for. Gavin and I were lying on the couch trying to stay cool. I remember looking at him thinking "Wow he is really mine, I created this beautiful boy." I held him close as I sang "Mommy and Gavin will be best friends forever, best friends forever, best friends forever, Mommy and Gavin will be best friends forever and I will never let him go." I always make up songs to sing to my babies. This one sticks with me of course. We were supposed to be together forever. That day replays in my head a lot. I was so happy and full of joy. I was lighthearted, care-free and just so happy to have my baby home. I truly love every moment of motherhood. I didn't mind waking up in the middle of the night because it meant I got to hold my baby. Usually I was up before him waiting for him to get up. I When I finally got to take Gavin home his student Dr. doing his residency said he was off to the PICU. He said "I will never see you guys there. Go home and enjoy your baby." So many things that I now look back as premonitions. Why didn't I realize the signs? Maybe if I did he would still be here.</strong><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5_cLdYT7hcRtJ0K_T_4mqk8VEUANqeAbfNnLq4I7ZWfOBWbkhfL972vQJw047GqY3pnyXb5TejtU82UW0JhueNHIDgp-kzZk4xzH31eeOYjhrdbSyeuPInZlIRw3nIK82QGonfEB-fMGe/s1600/Gavin-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5_cLdYT7hcRtJ0K_T_4mqk8VEUANqeAbfNnLq4I7ZWfOBWbkhfL972vQJw047GqY3pnyXb5TejtU82UW0JhueNHIDgp-kzZk4xzH31eeOYjhrdbSyeuPInZlIRw3nIK82QGonfEB-fMGe/s320/Gavin-2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<strong>O.K. so I got off track but every memory has a story and there is so much I want to write about Gavin so it is never forgotten. </strong> BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-64724860228704776372012-10-27T18:17:00.003-07:002012-10-27T18:17:44.528-07:00Days 21-27 <b>So once again I am way behind. Blake has been a bit sick and teething. Plus a million other things have been going on. I started this though and I want to finish it.</b><br />
<br />
<strong>Day 21. Altar/Shrine/Sacred Space-It is much to wet outside to show my garden and most of my flowers have died. This is in my living room. I do have a shelf that was in my old house that holds much more but that is one more thing we haven't gotten around to putting up. So here is my shrine. On the left is a photo collage I created days after Gavin died. After his funeral I bought the angel in front of it. It is hard to see put it is a baby angel holding a star, on the bottom it reads "You Are My Shining Star" people who follow my blog know the importance of this. In the middle is a rose that plays music. On the right Is the frame I got from my mother my 1st Mother's Day without Gavin. It reads "To The Best Mommy In The World, Gavin." The Angel in front I got last Mother's day. She is holding a baby boy</strong><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAgVeYz9GZAl86FmpOAWt6adVtBW4h5ksmOI9bTDFXVSbRofIx6z6n9pMEaWhtY-RFqcYlffg0TRDykIlge_OM9OBZVpbznq6OJz1CuOk35Gq-AYtz8MWb2UwOqhQjQXou_0WLR_qrxeUr/s1600/003.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="157" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAgVeYz9GZAl86FmpOAWt6adVtBW4h5ksmOI9bTDFXVSbRofIx6z6n9pMEaWhtY-RFqcYlffg0TRDykIlge_OM9OBZVpbznq6OJz1CuOk35Gq-AYtz8MWb2UwOqhQjQXou_0WLR_qrxeUr/s320/003.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<strong> </strong> <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<strong>Day 22. Place of Care/Birth- I refuse to talk about the place and Dr. that were supposed to care for me during my pregnancy, birth. Here are the people who were there during my pregnancy and labor. My boyfriend, Mother and Best Friend. The one with my mom and friend are from my baby shower for Gavin so I find them quite fitting.</strong><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhijTbOTmE2pCACHEtpw6hWV5WuCaJ29jbW7ACx2j1UdD69Hkvt-mwUBs73HJHmrykLClpERckY-APYz5pyukSuoP1Oo8wceoYDsvGarTIAAScYf6t8-xeawPq230UV3L8ksWMNp5Jx75Hu/s1600/BradMe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhijTbOTmE2pCACHEtpw6hWV5WuCaJ29jbW7ACx2j1UdD69Hkvt-mwUBs73HJHmrykLClpERckY-APYz5pyukSuoP1Oo8wceoYDsvGarTIAAScYf6t8-xeawPq230UV3L8ksWMNp5Jx75Hu/s320/BradMe.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5nQtK3_Ouwtcex7RK_gJGLuX98MOHjAFuOlqB1lWFwWfL2DaK1WVRPMywgZGPN6IWu_HnAInYntajV2mE1kWdIhCAwd60H3hMt2-wy6dep7D59JG9in_r2t4rWhUKVewbeu1q3lhWCHY4/s1600/MomMe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5nQtK3_Ouwtcex7RK_gJGLuX98MOHjAFuOlqB1lWFwWfL2DaK1WVRPMywgZGPN6IWu_HnAInYntajV2mE1kWdIhCAwd60H3hMt2-wy6dep7D59JG9in_r2t4rWhUKVewbeu1q3lhWCHY4/s320/MomMe.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizlReYvZnQrDhXo_zGu42H9zI8_wR4LUppjejMMfdea6MJYNmktvLEMdRcypada5ZzvYwMVBEnFmW4HEt-t52Y8xhRKnqybHhR2E8gFZUHd4f84PTo9m6rv9nfyjcm8xXLdXnGGuYUH7Y4/s1600/MeKris.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizlReYvZnQrDhXo_zGu42H9zI8_wR4LUppjejMMfdea6MJYNmktvLEMdRcypada5ZzvYwMVBEnFmW4HEt-t52Y8xhRKnqybHhR2E8gFZUHd4f84PTo9m6rv9nfyjcm8xXLdXnGGuYUH7Y4/s320/MeKris.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<strong> </strong> <br />
<br />
<br />
<strong>Day 23. Their Name/Their Photo</strong>- <b>Here is my baby, my angel, my love, Gavin Alexander.</b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBBnMh8KLqe0TN6OPLtbYX-SxQVddLo5Kx5PA-EopyhY__iG5nwpT2fTaHi5Uvy0H9K1UPSQXeTea9_5OiBl_qt34_BzcbsyRXv7GGKrPMSlbK7Y2QhJxCWobXnf_JSWr6AVXXvVGFZgw6/s1600/Gavin-8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBBnMh8KLqe0TN6OPLtbYX-SxQVddLo5Kx5PA-EopyhY__iG5nwpT2fTaHi5Uvy0H9K1UPSQXeTea9_5OiBl_qt34_BzcbsyRXv7GGKrPMSlbK7Y2QhJxCWobXnf_JSWr6AVXXvVGFZgw6/s320/Gavin-8.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<b> </b><br />
<strong>Day 24. Siblings</strong>-<b>Here are Gavin's Brother's. Aiden is the eldest and loved him so much. It broke my heart after Gavin died and he was too little to understand where his baby brother went. He would pull my hand in to the room to look in the bassinet and say baby to me. Every morning he would be so excited to wake up and see Gavin. Blake was born after Gavin so he is the little brother. As they get older I will share everything about Gavin with them so he can live on even when I am gone.</b><br />
<b> </b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7BHktZVYh7v4AS71DB0ozpl71Glik-oKrNDlEtLFMxMpwSyT1qjUwTHUKq4y1e8_bc2X8eoMNO0hs0H_XLEakdVDiF_LrAbDy1IVDeXwBPQ7GEDX0CTSQfwhIAYJKAxz4apo2dOaKj_Na/s1600/016.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7BHktZVYh7v4AS71DB0ozpl71Glik-oKrNDlEtLFMxMpwSyT1qjUwTHUKq4y1e8_bc2X8eoMNO0hs0H_XLEakdVDiF_LrAbDy1IVDeXwBPQ7GEDX0CTSQfwhIAYJKAxz4apo2dOaKj_Na/s320/016.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<strong>Day 25. Baby Shower/Blessing- I am cheating again and sharing two. The first is of myself, cousins, mom, aunt, grandma and baby sister. The second is with my sister. She was so excited for Gavin's arrival she took a class and learned how to make him a bunny. God what I would do to be taken back to this day. I remember everything about it. What a beautiful day who could have guessed.</strong><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9mZqOa72DrUVLET8VPmMvY9eF8BTTn4hw5-sai-d89RMMFjpXp8DPIvFQUR_-bK7ByVug6RVTJNjf8-2kSyvTjyYtUtb1enxzPOOXSpfMDKC-Ra1tkfxnFZY6B1FJgaBSuW9WK7hbCF3r/s1600/shower.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9mZqOa72DrUVLET8VPmMvY9eF8BTTn4hw5-sai-d89RMMFjpXp8DPIvFQUR_-bK7ByVug6RVTJNjf8-2kSyvTjyYtUtb1enxzPOOXSpfMDKC-Ra1tkfxnFZY6B1FJgaBSuW9WK7hbCF3r/s320/shower.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoibVNZcXWfWeW0RN9CmMc7p1j461lWyVDMFc0sLeQgzLiYMS0c2Qt_61WxOv7Oxbd0QLmJbkBRY1fa_7dpFRyOQP2nqYaYl5NWi3joR1xgrw7Y1QV5CnDB2j1PhfWUtXLg9sPSxY3vtN_/s1600/shower2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoibVNZcXWfWeW0RN9CmMc7p1j461lWyVDMFc0sLeQgzLiYMS0c2Qt_61WxOv7Oxbd0QLmJbkBRY1fa_7dpFRyOQP2nqYaYl5NWi3joR1xgrw7Y1QV5CnDB2j1PhfWUtXLg9sPSxY3vtN_/s320/shower2.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<strong> </strong> <br />
<br />
<br />
<strong>Day 26. Their Age- This is how old he was when we took him off of life support.</strong><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFGB26__wr7ACEW1nXlf6tHvBZYusRmi8-qYXzi0Eowt1LHE2j0GSSjg1SoQ2xoT2Rc0lTZbsEZJilgzzK1zXbwtcW19WwX5Ox9XzCTJmikoFZMLEFTOW-TrC0VEhVeAAp1x4mB8I-T3zq/s1600/004.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFGB26__wr7ACEW1nXlf6tHvBZYusRmi8-qYXzi0Eowt1LHE2j0GSSjg1SoQ2xoT2Rc0lTZbsEZJilgzzK1zXbwtcW19WwX5Ox9XzCTJmikoFZMLEFTOW-TrC0VEhVeAAp1x4mB8I-T3zq/s320/004.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<strong> </strong> <br />
<br />
<br />
<strong>Day 27. Artwork- I wanted to buy a sign with this quote to hang in Gavin's room. I never got that chance. I thought well I will buy one for Blake's room and it will be for the both of them. For some reason I feel as if I am betraying Gavin though. So tough to be a bereaved momma, you never know what is right.</strong><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipTFE9ASIrMo1xhFjNFkArdcDb7DeUaVO6T4wQX9hco6G10Vgq67SNn_7bMAps-S44uZXW5HOzOZiEVz9tIBVwcBfZ_Xzrew-Nsu2zOmM9lnbnIBKxsvOZKWGUEmJ0cRtlW-xeO0s_gSoy/s1600/love2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipTFE9ASIrMo1xhFjNFkArdcDb7DeUaVO6T4wQX9hco6G10Vgq67SNn_7bMAps-S44uZXW5HOzOZiEVz9tIBVwcBfZ_Xzrew-Nsu2zOmM9lnbnIBKxsvOZKWGUEmJ0cRtlW-xeO0s_gSoy/s320/love2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<strong> </strong> <br />
<br />
<br />BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-6855666107345427362012-10-23T18:32:00.003-07:002012-10-23T18:32:43.931-07:00Days 18-20<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<b>Yeah I totally suck at this. It is hard to blog with a one year old, an almost four year old and my new 7 week old puppy. On top of a full time job!</b><br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Day 18. Your Family Portrait-This one I am going to have to cheat on a
little, since I am in my pjs and home alone with the kids anyways. The tops is the most recent picture of my family now. The bottom is Blake, holding his brother Gavin's picture. This is my family. </b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEib9ie-bzj7Ao0Bey6MOT4P7HMOJLAklgstpu96ZomWctu3fiz2ZoKRQgKOoM0v54Hd_b4YeTx3kx8C2HYlKNRUiUoReV7WmOi6XIOV0_wp7xwdJ87hKAg4FARDD99QQM18hCTTLx9q7iE9/s1600/family.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEib9ie-bzj7Ao0Bey6MOT4P7HMOJLAklgstpu96ZomWctu3fiz2ZoKRQgKOoM0v54Hd_b4YeTx3kx8C2HYlKNRUiUoReV7WmOi6XIOV0_wp7xwdJ87hKAg4FARDD99QQM18hCTTLx9q7iE9/s320/family.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMJn_no5k40Ft4IVIxYt5nrlzH2g_looYBElvMXPXP-T-if5nE7yPvxfIAWd5sUwDCcXdehyphenhyphenm-uMUlclOCJBOfbzGFjjS6BdnAYfHroT9eoqk8TTAz9y9KxHyDrT1wkZj1Z2cSKK_Ucidv/s1600/Babies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMJn_no5k40Ft4IVIxYt5nrlzH2g_looYBElvMXPXP-T-if5nE7yPvxfIAWd5sUwDCcXdehyphenhyphenm-uMUlclOCJBOfbzGFjjS6BdnAYfHroT9eoqk8TTAz9y9KxHyDrT1wkZj1Z2cSKK_Ucidv/s320/Babies.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<b><br /></b>
<b><br /></b>
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<b>Day 19. Project-The project I want to work on is Gavin's scrap book. I know it has been two years but it is still hard seeing the newspaper we saved on the day he was born, the first time I looked at his and the last day he was alive. My mother and I plan to get good and drunk this winter and work on it though. I am not sure I can do it alone. I have a lot of the stuff that goes in it since I bought the supplies while I was pregnant/he was alive. Now I just have to make myself do it.</b> <br />
<br />
<b>Day 20. Charity/Organization- Again this is where I suck at taking pictures. My favorite charity is the Stella B. Foundation. They help families with very sick, terminally ill or those who have passed by paying some of their bills that are stacking up at home. The social worker at the hospital asked if I wanted to sign up and I just did whatever she said like a zombie. Turns out we were the first ones they gave money to. I never realized the work it takes to start you own charity. They are now my dear friend and I am so glad I met them. The charity is named after their daughter who passed away from a cancerous tumor in her abdomen. I wish I got to meet her, I know she was the sweetest thing with the caring parents she has.</b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.stellabfoundation.org/sbforg/home.html" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1lw4PkmlQbv97Ru1jrimbvH11rWKwGecLdXu2ImnR3jOQdE01B9X2gqadQuii1qcY-930qnVVf6RcUNrngmuSz_k6yzRq9jM6u6ob9be4rB0cOPfs_skJG2wF4vwffpv-KSloIudrjq-K/s1600/stella.png" /></a></div>
<a href="http://www.stellabfoundation.org/sbforg/home.html"><b> http://www.stellabfoundation.org/sbforg/home.html</b></a><br />
<br />
<b><span id="goog_662299217"></span><span id="goog_662299218"></span> </b> BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-16060258175850872362012-10-17T19:24:00.001-07:002012-10-17T19:24:40.010-07:00Day 17<strong>Day 17. Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates-On Gavin's birthday we always go to his grave, put things out then release balloons. Afterwards we go out for lunch. I do not feel like taking pictures on that day. This year I was in the hospital getting an awful surgery done on Gavin's actual birthday. As soon as I was released I told Brad to take me to the store to get things for his grave, also the biggest ballon I could find to write on and release. Blake his baby brother was with us and I decided to take pictures of him at the site. Although it may not be Gavin's actual birthday it is the best I could do.</strong><br />
<strong></strong><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlKj8GPK7caBZI9GDK3yCFZZIoxPYqSM8kjRfXl6Oe-FZof3KgB2fmJnRSCW0SPuap9DPFxhyphenhyphenI3bGLWYj4xEugv2U4-mYDQoF_Tguu4QWi_kA7LL15kbk1B6lEwhfVhdYVK9TrLWMi9kK4/s1600/gavin10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlKj8GPK7caBZI9GDK3yCFZZIoxPYqSM8kjRfXl6Oe-FZof3KgB2fmJnRSCW0SPuap9DPFxhyphenhyphenI3bGLWYj4xEugv2U4-mYDQoF_Tguu4QWi_kA7LL15kbk1B6lEwhfVhdYVK9TrLWMi9kK4/s320/gavin10.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
<br />
<strong></strong><br />
<strong></strong>BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-5128035242167280862012-10-17T19:07:00.001-07:002012-10-17T19:07:34.403-07:00Day 16<strong>Day 16. Release</strong>-<strong> I am cheating a bit here because this was done a few weeks ago. Between some health issues I am having and my son's birthday party I am one busy girl. Here are the butterfly balloons we released for Gavin. I finally got a paper lantern and am waiting for one more nice day to release it. I usually save those things for certain occasions but I am going to do it so he can celebrate his brother's birthday with us.</strong><br />
<strong></strong><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijBGqzDR1q0NereSRO2pbbYtZzZWZIu8qwpBu5D_NVsM8zm9d8FmtrvBtGB63_VtZaJBGwIN07xkOPls12Bxpis6n8YVaQAjX1uEm8TrSobddWZsQxSrfy2aOXoKMtA0MdcodAvlAc9Dq4/s1600/008.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="314" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijBGqzDR1q0NereSRO2pbbYtZzZWZIu8qwpBu5D_NVsM8zm9d8FmtrvBtGB63_VtZaJBGwIN07xkOPls12Bxpis6n8YVaQAjX1uEm8TrSobddWZsQxSrfy2aOXoKMtA0MdcodAvlAc9Dq4/s320/008.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii1na6w7XzNg6GmDGE9K_Z871ze75nJcjuSvSQ8fXVH7YVa_6XVG_vyWdzRCVkGVczaTD3f1T1JKqGruJqjlo5HvhUIweNOhqi1AhhHBOgZju06PxAbmxTuD1mToK08iHFZ-V-AM2K08yK/s1600/013.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii1na6w7XzNg6GmDGE9K_Z871ze75nJcjuSvSQ8fXVH7YVa_6XVG_vyWdzRCVkGVczaTD3f1T1JKqGruJqjlo5HvhUIweNOhqi1AhhHBOgZju06PxAbmxTuD1mToK08iHFZ-V-AM2K08yK/s320/013.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiAIZG71jAxJQHL8eWR9fa5eKIzsmgS7XSJEeLhb2zQqtZpR1LSPXEIbT4Aam55Qg4YOHpdGjgVZt-rpcW9tMIIUONZCV884RDsYrEWOH-RAQkR6IbPElvnwCtHwDw0j9t86QMzFBN0vy7/s1600/015.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiAIZG71jAxJQHL8eWR9fa5eKIzsmgS7XSJEeLhb2zQqtZpR1LSPXEIbT4Aam55Qg4YOHpdGjgVZt-rpcW9tMIIUONZCV884RDsYrEWOH-RAQkR6IbPElvnwCtHwDw0j9t86QMzFBN0vy7/s320/015.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-67090099400129944622012-10-17T18:51:00.002-07:002012-10-17T18:51:19.952-07:00Day 15<b>Day 15. WAVE of LIGHT- October 15th Pregnancy
and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. The goal is that everyone at 7 pm, whatever time zone you are in</b>, <b>light a candle in memory of our angel thus creating a "Wave of Light." I told my family to light a candle. I did at exactly 7:00 pm EST. I was watching the clock and was just about to take out my new puppy when I realized the time. I lit my candle at 7 'oclock on the dot here is my picture and what I wrote along with it.</b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBuCUEWlr4MxlyWHQuioAbtz_GT0Ku3VaPB118hGJwAgfaE51nJXOJWI2q-Kd8QsuIyvTAMjhsG6sraZ4jv91omx1khApa9xSpY6C4gmtf-SwCoo9yU29yQswxIyW6tr0MEYURN1gftG36/s1600/waveoflight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBuCUEWlr4MxlyWHQuioAbtz_GT0Ku3VaPB118hGJwAgfaE51nJXOJWI2q-Kd8QsuIyvTAMjhsG6sraZ4jv91omx1khApa9xSpY6C4gmtf-SwCoo9yU29yQswxIyW6tr0MEYURN1gftG36/s320/waveoflight.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span aria-live="polite" class="fbPhotosPhotoCaption" id="fbPhotoSnowliftCaption" tabindex="0"><span class="hasCaption">"To
all my angel mommas this is for you. Whether it be a miscarriage, loss,
stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy, infant death (even child death I think
should be included) all of us have walked a path we never thought we
would have to. A path we didn't ever dream we would go down. One we
shouldn't have had to travel. Our hearts are heavy, souls tired but we
keep going loving our angels so much that they </span></span><br />
<div class="text_exposed_show">
feel
it in Heaven. To mother an angel is one of the hardest jobs. Gavin will
never be replaced and will always be with me. As his brother's birthday
draws near I can't help but wonder what it would be like for them to
get to celebrate together. Not a moment goes by that I am not thinking
of him. I love everyone I've met along the way, although I wish it was
under different circumstances. You are beautiful, wonderful, strong,
women. Thank you for your support, love and for always being there. I
love you all. I love you too Gavin and always will. I will never stop
talking about you or "get over your death". As I always say until we
meet again baby boy my heart will not be whole. I hope you've made many
baby friends in Heaven as I have bereaved moms. "You are my sunshine"
love you baby. To those reading this I hope you can educate yourself a
bit about how many of us there are and how deep we hurt. If you haven't
walked in someone's shoes you can not know how they truly feel."</div>
BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-58287877361500423252012-10-14T19:51:00.001-07:002012-10-14T19:56:24.391-07:00Day 14<b>Day 14. Community</b>-<b>I actually attend many different things with the bereaved community. Some things are not appropriate to take pictures at. I have to get better at taking pictures at the ones that I can though. There is "A Night To Remember" which is a huge raffle that you can bring your own drinks/snacks to, it's a fun gathering. Then there is a ceremony at the church which is a remembrance of our lost babies, there is a few walks I do, a spaghetti dinner and the big walk is "A Walk To Remember." I actually just went to it two weekends ago with my son and mother. Here we are with Gavin's sign and the balloons we released for him. We also watch a releasing of the doves, write notes on a banner, hear songs, poems, bury notes under a tree, eat together and then walk the path of our babies names. I find it very healing to have a day where I can release my grief with many others that feel the same exact way as I do.</b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1XkkShwim47MiL1b80DlyOCX-MrI-BrYTtim8Eo9Jhy5iLGVr2797f8xSu7sy_IQRb0u95kNw8YBIs5JWUOvBq2zICez4_REB6aHchFs8zvSCA31R3mjiJMYRcZqs1-ZrI4PZfb_tGwnH/s1600/008.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="314" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1XkkShwim47MiL1b80DlyOCX-MrI-BrYTtim8Eo9Jhy5iLGVr2797f8xSu7sy_IQRb0u95kNw8YBIs5JWUOvBq2zICez4_REB6aHchFs8zvSCA31R3mjiJMYRcZqs1-ZrI4PZfb_tGwnH/s320/008.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd3NZw-v5z9EAPP-EXzPHM39ybMsv92nxZYiSGItd6ZY9TUHpK4LO_TJZJdjzSZDS7JxhcAas8G53tniK40cge2WfjTiLYNTgelcChd6rAwgU-wf_Ct_li_S9mm3UPIff3EkqKDbMbfn9m/s1600/016.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd3NZw-v5z9EAPP-EXzPHM39ybMsv92nxZYiSGItd6ZY9TUHpK4LO_TJZJdjzSZDS7JxhcAas8G53tniK40cge2WfjTiLYNTgelcChd6rAwgU-wf_Ct_li_S9mm3UPIff3EkqKDbMbfn9m/s320/016.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<b> </b> BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-57327548252143275182012-10-14T19:34:00.003-07:002012-10-14T19:34:55.155-07:00Day 13<br />
<strong>Day 13. Signs</strong>-<b>I did talk about my favorite sign from my angel which was my shooting star. There is another one I have. I love LED light up things</b>. <b>One year I bought snowflakes for the windows that lit up, I also had a light up heart I got at a carnival (yes I am a big kid at heart and my grandma was buying all the kids one during fireworks so I got one), lastly I have one of those globes you hold where the lights spin around. Especially right after Gavin died, they would go off all the time. It doesn't happen as often but every once in a while they do. Especially when I am having a really hard day. I take it as him saying I am o.k. mom.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>(Sorry I am kind of cheating on the last two because the baby is asleep and my camera is in the room.)</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ygZAqJ2d6ew/UHt2DDan1yI/AAAAAAAAAWs/yxGDZZQmAS0/s1600/Light.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ygZAqJ2d6ew/UHt2DDan1yI/AAAAAAAAAWs/yxGDZZQmAS0/s1600/Light.jpg" /></a></div>
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<b> </b><br />
BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-2029062270601416442012-10-14T19:05:00.000-07:002012-10-14T19:05:03.769-07:00Day 12<strong>Day 12. Scents</strong>- The detergent Dreft is what reminds me of Gavin. As I prepared for his arrival I washed all of his clothing and linens in it. After he was born, I would wrap him in his Dreft smelling blankets and cuddle him. After his passing I rewashed some of the blankets and even some of mine in it. When I was pregnant with Blake as I washed his clothes in the same detergent all I could think of was my baby. I would wear it as perfume if I could.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2Eg7tkObDBU/UHtvQYljs1I/AAAAAAAAAWU/QEYnnI-er7Y/s1600/dreft.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2Eg7tkObDBU/UHtvQYljs1I/AAAAAAAAAWU/QEYnnI-er7Y/s1600/dreft.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-58574104885872162442012-10-11T09:47:00.001-07:002012-10-11T09:47:34.851-07:00Day 11<strong>Day 11. Supportive Friends/Family</strong>-<b>My biggest supporters family wise are my Grandma, Momma and even as much as she is able my 13 year old sister. I can always call the, cry to them, my sister held my hand so much through the wake and funeral. Or she would sit on my lap and always randomly hugs me. I am not sure what I would do with out them because we all know how men are with their feelings. This is a picture of all of us at my baby shower, I had Gavin a few days later.</b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_k8MQAiIdWsTzaLGcQJZfnQhAuPDljxHU205hTDI2qfEYykAGeUXI8MmFt1VDr2yRiQrsqg_8Ol5SToNX8e4_HiLYka2CImuVN8bg4qApfL6Pzt-iETST-xI1DlLjwudjTOPP8mD6WI1Y/s1600/shower.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_k8MQAiIdWsTzaLGcQJZfnQhAuPDljxHU205hTDI2qfEYykAGeUXI8MmFt1VDr2yRiQrsqg_8Ol5SToNX8e4_HiLYka2CImuVN8bg4qApfL6Pzt-iETST-xI1DlLjwudjTOPP8mD6WI1Y/s320/shower.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<b> </b>BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-81794042308084770202012-10-11T09:41:00.002-07:002012-10-11T09:41:40.183-07:00Day 10<strong>Day 10. Symbol</strong>-<b>I of course think angels and especially baby angels are beautiful. They will always remind me of my son. However that is not his symbol I would choose. Stars and shooting stars and what reminds me of him. After his passing I would often sit on the back porch and there was a star that shined so bright and even during cloudy nights I could see it. I began to call it my Gavin star. Whenever I wanted to talk to him, I would go outside look up at that star and say whatever was on my mind. When I was very close to having Blake I looked up at that star and asked Gavin for a sign. A sign that not only meant he was o.k. but that he knew his baby brother in no way could every replace him. That my love for him would never fade or would I ever forget about him. As soon as I stopped talking a shooting star went across my Gavin star. Living in the city seeing those is extremely rare. So When ever I see a shooting star or any bright star object I think of him.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_-B0oxoUxSqLvYxlpRdQUcr5MjXDHLCnpWTjGkx3F2ukldErSLFLnBekFCL4NmDTDIYn7aYUA6XGuyQ1PTkTQkvjgBx6KVdJ5nXbgvNODRcwUXo7NK1lG1Ofw5MkSc9Wx8icfC5bmwbw9/s1600/shooting_star.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_-B0oxoUxSqLvYxlpRdQUcr5MjXDHLCnpWTjGkx3F2ukldErSLFLnBekFCL4NmDTDIYn7aYUA6XGuyQ1PTkTQkvjgBx6KVdJ5nXbgvNODRcwUXo7NK1lG1Ofw5MkSc9Wx8icfC5bmwbw9/s320/shooting_star.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-3703826689665402502012-10-10T04:33:00.004-07:002012-10-10T04:33:58.394-07:00Day 9<b>Day 9. Special Place- I love to be by the water, whether it is on the beach, by the marina or even at a restaurant. When I was pregnant with Gavin I couldn't wait to take him to all of these places. I wanted him to run in the sand, feel the sun beat down on his skin, splash in the water and just be a kid. I did get to take him on a few walks but it was too cold to take him by the water. After he died Brad and I would go to the marina often. We would sit in silence as we looked out at the other kids playing and the sun setting so beautifully. I would sit and look at them trying to contemplate why we had been put through this Hell. It was the only place I found some peace. I couldn't help but cry though knowing my baby would never experience it. He would never see a sunset across the water. I still go the marina often and every time I think of my baby. The strangest things can make you think of your angels and this is one of them. I took this picture our first time at the marina after Gavin died. </b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDA-NoD56pbizyqlGKDZpqJUyqc7N15K15cy0r3ZkTBs6qoMdk_KWHQHHq3HFlEzvvREgc2u1-rhxmMQuE_mbgOjoddFAb5-MYSF02NSTJjbGbcuxkvsQN4FrDjT1czDkxMgOFPbjeSs2k/s1600/sunset.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" nea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDA-NoD56pbizyqlGKDZpqJUyqc7N15K15cy0r3ZkTBs6qoMdk_KWHQHHq3HFlEzvvREgc2u1-rhxmMQuE_mbgOjoddFAb5-MYSF02NSTJjbGbcuxkvsQN4FrDjT1czDkxMgOFPbjeSs2k/s320/sunset.bmp" width="320" /></a></div>
BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-25637456888958914842012-10-08T16:14:00.001-07:002012-10-08T16:14:22.681-07:00Day 8<strong>Day 8. Jewelery- I have a few pieces that are very special. This piece I hold dear to my heart. My cousin and I were never super close due to our age gap. Once we became FB friends we started to talk often. She is very supportive of me, listens when I need it and always says or does the kindest things. For what should have been Gavin's 2nd birthday this year I was in the hospital getting that dreaded gallbladder surgery that just about killed me. I was beyond miserable that I could not be at his grave. I did pack his pictures with me though so I could at least stare at his face. Anyways, my cousin didn't call any of us but just got in her car and drove to see me which is a several hour drive, all by her self at night time. Not only that but she gave me this charm for my angel's birthday. On the outside it looks like the Holy Bible but on the inside it's an angel mommy watching over her baby. I picture Gavin as a baby in Heaven still. I feel like he has someone up there taking care of him until I arrive. That angel will be me one day when I am reunited with my baby boy.</strong><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjJO773jp3zic9uRc3fcmpNn-hEzYMckhk2nSSoQX5vbopM0877-RuzfqrhWeLnJ7-iqYKy713MzSt0e5n9V6gWNXrgB9lAVhps1nlyZAN968BuKpuykS-gC9UnM0TvbwHdHOFYXHcLoaH/s1600/angelcharm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjJO773jp3zic9uRc3fcmpNn-hEzYMckhk2nSSoQX5vbopM0877-RuzfqrhWeLnJ7-iqYKy713MzSt0e5n9V6gWNXrgB9lAVhps1nlyZAN968BuKpuykS-gC9UnM0TvbwHdHOFYXHcLoaH/s320/angelcharm.jpg" width="163" /></a></div>
BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-84830556459926506242012-10-08T16:05:00.001-07:002012-10-08T16:05:06.558-07:00Day 7<b>Day 7. What To Say: Ah now this is where it gets harder. Even after losing Gavin I find I am at a loss for words on what to say to other bereaved moms sometimes. So instead of talking I let them know I am there to listen. That is the best thing you can do for us. Just let us cry, vent, grieve and no matter what we say never suggest counseling!</b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4RHIv0lzyiVsH4l0xfp4V0vFgnWeS2hivs9q2hHTKEplLfN2jsc6YTROWpqfyxfN8TDlUUD-L0LdOvcRdTwpohZ5OKkigFJH2K64lxNbCGrfxXI2Pi9uxm7mdkmQXk2IO4wL4-UpMEXN-/s1600/017.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4RHIv0lzyiVsH4l0xfp4V0vFgnWeS2hivs9q2hHTKEplLfN2jsc6YTROWpqfyxfN8TDlUUD-L0LdOvcRdTwpohZ5OKkigFJH2K64lxNbCGrfxXI2Pi9uxm7mdkmQXk2IO4wL4-UpMEXN-/s320/017.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2718943270174254280.post-11477527839473745892012-10-06T11:52:00.002-07:002012-10-06T11:52:32.058-07:00Day 6<b>Day 6 What Not To Say- It was really hard to choose just one thing. What I chose irritates me the most. I have had more than I can handle. I had my son die, my health deteriorate, Brad losing his job because of lay offs mores then once (even while I was in labor with Blake), our car break many times, a life threatening surgery and so many more all within a 2 year span. Losing my precious, beautiful son was way more then I could/can handle. think before you speak and if you haven't walked in someone's shoes be careful what you say.</b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LVbSkEx7Tn0/UHB9oYWPCNI/AAAAAAAAAUg/BjZ3he9AKb4/s1600/IMG125.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="182" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LVbSkEx7Tn0/UHB9oYWPCNI/AAAAAAAAAUg/BjZ3he9AKb4/s320/IMG125.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<b> </b>BellaStephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08129157299412942108noreply@blogger.com2