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Monday, September 24, 2012

Broken

Let me start out with the good things. I have a healthy, beautiful boy who will be turning one next month. Can you believe it? I can't. I know they say "time flies when you are having fun" but this was at jet speed. I still remember his face as they pulled him out and my tears of joy that he was alive. Not that I will ever forget that but it seems like it was only a few months ago, certainly not a year ago. I guess I knew it would go quickly since it seems like just yesterday Aiden was a little toddler and I was pregnant with Gavin. Here we are though it's the final countdown until my baby is no longer counted in months.

I went shopping for Blake (and Aiden too) yesterday since he is forever growing taller. Plus he needed fall clothes because this year we didn't get lucky and have a warm September. Everyone in Carter's was either pregnant or had a very tiny baby. Which is the norm for that store. However lately it has been giving me baby fever. All I could think of is I can't wait until I do this again. I want to have two more babies. (God willing) Two more beautiful babies that will have first teeth, steps, birthdays and days of school. (Not anytime soon but down the road) Just like Blake has and will. Then I went over to Aiden's side of clothes. Which is also where they have the sale racks. As I looked up the preemie clothes caught my eye. Then Gavin and his short life flashed before me. I quickly went to the register, cashed out, got in the car and cried. My tiny baby was that small. My beautiful boy never got to be on the big boy side of the store. My sweet Gavin is gone.

Brad wasn't sure what triggered my meltdown so I told him. I don't think he quite got it but we sat there together before finishing our errands as I got myself together. This is the problem though I can never seem to get myself together these days. At one point I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I had hope that I didn't have to live out the rest of my days is misery. I'm not sure if that is possible anymore. When with family, Blake or friends everything is o.k. It's when I have time to think by myself that I fall apart. Maybe me medication is backfiring on me? Or maybe this is how things will always be.

All I know is this can't go on forever. I have to learn how to pick these pieces back up and even if they are held together with tape and glue, it's better then lying on the floor. Such a crap life the bereaved mother has. I should be totally focused on planning a birthday party and instead I am just trying to make it through each day. I am completely broken and since Gavin will never come back, I have to find another way to fix it.

Blakey Is So Big

In His Lion Hat Made By Gramma

Looking Like A Baby Tourist On Memorial Day

Having Fun At The Fair

At The Carnival Giving A Teethy Grin

Peek-A-Boo

With His Girlfriend