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Monday, March 19, 2012

Once Again Plagued By Ignorance

I swear my one coworker just loves to say the rudest comments. The other day she said "Do you check on Blake a lot?" I said "Yes. Of course I do." Now first of all I think any good mother checks on their baby. Her response " (First she laughed) Well don't! You are just upsetting yourself over nothing. He will be fine nothing will happen to HIM."

It would be one thing if I had started the conversation and talked about how much I worry over Blake. Then she could say something comforting like it's normal to worry but he will fine. But to pretty much make fun of my situation and the fact that I worry about my kid pisses me off. She is the one who would always tell me through out my pregnancy to stop worrying this baby won't die too. Again I NEVER expressed my feelings to her.

It is so ignorant to come at a bereaved mother like she is a fool for worrying that something will happen to her other children. He is my son I don't stand over him all day long staring at him breathe and even if I did, why the f@ck is it her business? I could tell her she is a nasty mother because she constantly calls her daughter fat. Even though she is not at all. She tells everyone how big her daughter is and she tells her how terrible she looks.

Next time she tries to give me some sort of "advice" I know just what to say. Thank you but I don't need any advice from a shitty mom.

(Also I will be back soon girls with many pictures and frequent posts. My other lap top died. I got the HP Beats Audio Edition yesterday and am just waiting for my internet connection to be restored.)

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Mommy & Gavin Forever

My heart aches as Gavin's birthday approaches. It isn't until April 28th but I can't help but think of the fact that I should have an almost two year old. What would my baby look like by now? What words would he say? What would his voice sound like? What would his favorite toys be? Bed time stories? Food?  I don't know the answers to any of these questions and it pains me so.

One question I can answer is: What would my life be like? Happy, Beautiful, Care Free, Normal. Sure I would have the small stresses of life: bills, work, rude people. Those stresses that once seemed so bothersome are now so stupid.

I just want my son back. I want my baby that I had all these hopes and dreams for. For some reason the same day keeps playing in my head. It was a beautiful day out. Gavin and I had been lounging on the couch all day with the windows open. The beautiful smell of spring filled the air. I decided to take a quick walk with my baby before daddy got home. As I took my baby to his room to change him I asked my boy "You will always love mommy right? You won't grow up and get big and leave me?" He smiled and cooed at me. I often make up songs for my babies so I sang " Mommy and Gavin will be best friends forever, best friends forever, best friends forever.."

Now I wish he could grow up, get big and leave the nest someday. Not lie in a grave where I will have to visit him forever.

Monday, March 12, 2012

You have TWO children?

If one more idiotic fool makes a comment involving my son you guys will have to start collecting bail money. A few times recently friends of Brad's have been over to see Blake and hang out. Both asked if we plan on having more kids. To which I responded "Of course I would love more babies, we are just going to take a break for a while.I never thought by 26 I would have two already." Their response? TWO?! What do you mean two?

Brad sees my face turning ten shades of red and gives his friends a quick nudge. They try to recover with "Oh yeah but I meant...." Thankfully for their well being they stopped before saying that they meant living children. Kid you not this has happened twice in the past two weeks and many times before.

I had Gavin, he is my baby. I carried him for 34 weeks, gave birth to him, sat with him in the NICU almost 24 hours a day, I brought him home, I loved him. I LOVE him still. Just because he isn't here on earth anymore doesn't mean he never existed.

Say one of them were to tell me a story of a grandfather that has passed. When they were finished I would look at them and say: What do you mean? You don't have a grandfather?

I guess the memory of Gavin just slipped their minds in that moment but it doesn't make it doesn't make it o.k. to me.I guess as the years pass the memory of Gavin will slip away to others. I will fight that from happening. Gavin is and always will be my baby. He deserves to be remembered no mater how short of a time he was here with us.