Gavin, you are my sunshine

This is the first time in a long time I will wish the weekend to fly by. Of course it will inevitably go by slow not to mention it’s a three day weekend. Last year on May 29^th I held by living so for the last time. I have a hard time telling this story. For some reason I want to share it now. Saturday night my mother kept begging to keep my son overnight. My BF had wanted to go see an MMA fight anyways. I really didn’t want to go. I never out my son down let alone thought about being away from him. She knew I had gotten no sleep for over a month and wanted to help out. So we went out to the bar/restaurant to watch the fight. I was miserable and I hated every second of it. I was panicked the entire time. I told my bf as soon as we were done we had to go get my son. I always wonder now if that was my motherly instinct kicking in. I woke my mother up and told her I was coming to get my baby. I went over there, thanked her and felt a sort of relief as we drove home. Now my mother is a perfectly good babysitter actually the best I know. Why such sure panic set in me is still a mystery. Maybe it was normal? Or maybe a sign from God that I needed to be with him?

We went home and I snuggled my baby boy. I watched t.v. as he slept. He woke up for his regular feeding and I fed him. I kiss him and sat there with him for a long, long time unable to sleep. I finally went to bed not knowing what would be next. If only I never went to sleep. He never woke up for his next feeding. The rest is too painful to really get into. My son was revived but he slipped into a coma. For days we sat in that hospital praying God that he would be o.k. Two priests came into bless him. A world wide prayer chain was started for my boy. I never left his side. Only once to shower and it was the quickest shower I ever took. My BF sat outside the curtain and the nurses didn’t say anything. I was the dead baby’s mom after all. On June 1^st I received the devastating news that my son was brain dead from lack of oxygen. We had to make the decision of what to do. He was suffering and I knew it. After much praying, crying and begging God what to do we decided to pull the plus. On June 1^st my son died again. As he died he was not alone I held him and sang “You are my sunshine” as his heart stopped beating and so did most of mine. I will never forget those days. I will never be the same again. I will never stop crying for my beautiful Gavin who was unfairly ripped away from me.