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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Gavin, you are my sunshine

This is the first time in a long time I will wish the weekend to fly by. Of course it will inevitably go by slow not to mention it’s a three day weekend. Last year on May 29th I held by living so for the last time. I have a hard time telling this story. For some reason I want to share it now. Saturday night my mother kept begging to keep my son overnight. My BF had wanted to go see an MMA fight anyways. I really didn’t want to go. I never out my son down let alone thought about being away from him. She knew I had gotten no sleep for over a month and wanted to help out. So we went out to the bar/restaurant to watch the fight. I was miserable and I hated every second of it. I was panicked the entire time. I told my bf as soon as we were done we had to go get my son. I always wonder now if that was my motherly instinct kicking in. I woke my mother up and told her I was coming to get my baby. I went over there, thanked her and felt a sort of relief as we drove home. Now my mother is a perfectly good babysitter actually the best I know. Why such sure panic set in me is still a mystery. Maybe it was normal? Or maybe a sign from God that I needed to be with him?

We went home and I snuggled my baby boy. I watched t.v. as he slept. He woke up for his regular feeding and I fed him. I kiss him and sat there with him for a long, long time unable to sleep. I finally went to bed not knowing what would be next. If only I never went to sleep. He never woke up for his next feeding. The rest is too painful to really get into. My son was revived but he slipped into a coma. For days we sat in that hospital praying God that he would be o.k. Two priests came into bless him. A world wide prayer chain was started for my boy. I never left his side. Only once to shower and it was the quickest shower I ever took. My BF sat outside the curtain and the nurses didn’t say anything. I was the dead baby’s mom after all. On June 1st I received the devastating news that my son was brain dead from lack of oxygen. We had to make the decision of what to do. He was suffering and I knew it. After much praying, crying and begging God what to do we decided to pull the plus. On June 1st my son died again. As he died he was not alone I held him and sang “You are my sunshine” as his heart stopped beating and so did most of mine. I will never forget those days. I will never be the same again. I will never stop crying for my beautiful Gavin who was unfairly ripped away from me.


  1. When those days come and I cry and cry I just try and remind myself that its a rollercoaster ride and although the car is racing downhill on the tracks today it will eventually have to climb back up to a good day. Right now for me the car has alot of downhill dips but because of other Mothers of Loss Ive learned it will at somepoint go up. Hugs for you and hugs for Gavin

    ps I am sooo not one to talk but I think remembering the struggle or the bad times our children went through is somehow important as long as we dont live in those moments-thats what I try and tell myself

  2. ((HUGS)). I'm so sorry. Gavin was such a beautiful baby. I can't imagine how hard this is for you...