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Friday, May 6, 2011

I Am Gavin's Mother

So it begins...I was leaving work yesterday with another lady I work with. She has two older adopted kids. She is a mother even though she didn't give birth to them. I am a mother even though my son is dead. Many of my coworkers take off Fridays so they were saying goodbye to us until Monday. They looked at me as if they wanted to say it but instead turned to her and said "Happy Mother's Day." I was told to "Have A Nice Weekend." I had to bite my tongue really hard. I wanted to say "I am a mother ya know. I have the stretch marks and grey hairs at 25 to prove it. I have the worry lines and baby fat as well." They don't know any better I guess. So instead I just smiled and said "You too." I know no matter what they said my day wouldn't be "Happy" or "Good" but it's the principle of the matter. Just because my son has passed does not mean my mothering badge was ripped from me as well. I had a baby, am having a baby and am the best mother I can be to me lovey. The fact that he loves me so much would say I am a damn good mother to him actually. He has a real mother though so it doesn't really count. Most important of all though is I am Gavin's mother. Dead or alive he is my son and I am his momma.

So now I know what to expect when I say goodbye to the rest of my coworkers today or when all my friends will text and write to each other "Happy Mother's Day." I don't count to them anymore. I am just the poor girl whose baby died. Perhaps I will write an etiquette book on how to treat bereaved parents. Until then I will have to walk around with a bleeding tongue.

***I know this is random but my Gavin was so silly. He made the best faces in the world. I would do anything to see that face again. I instead stared at one of my favorite pictures of him all morning. It always makes me smile. Sorry it's so dark it was taken at night time when feeding him and I didn't want to flash in his face. I love you baby boy.


  1. Just as I wanted to comment yesterday - Happy Mothers Day to you. I wish you a day filled with warm love and thoughts of your sweet little Gavin. Know that he, like all babies gone too soon, is safe and comfy up in heaven - sending you love and strength. ((hugs))

  2. Happy Mother's Day to you! You are definitely a mommy.

  3. I'm sorry that your coworkers don't understand. You ARE a mom, and you deserve to be honored. I wanted to share this with you- it helped me immensely after my first loss and I hope it will bring you some comfort this mother's day. (HUGS)

    "The Busiest Day In Heaven"

    It's the busiest day in Heaven
    I'm planning a big surprise
    To let you know I love you
    And that no one ever dies

    Even though your down below
    And I am up above
    I'm sending you my wishes
    And all my angel love

    It's really quite exciting
    To plan this big event
    For lots of gifts will come your way
    And all are Heaven sent

    First I'll take a bubble bath-
    My splashes might cause some rain
    But knowing all the fun I'm having
    Will help to ease your pain

    Next I'll get some pictures
    In my halo and gown
    So when you get to Heaven
    You can show me all around

    I have color crayons in Heaven
    And I will draw some stars so bright
    And place them in the sky today
    For you to see tonight

    Then Jesus will have story time
    And I will sit upon his lap
    He'll tell me all about you
    Just before I nap

    I'll awake full of energy
    And play a game or two
    Before I finish sending
    All my love to you

    After snack I'll write a song
    For all the birds to sing
    And know I've made you happy
    With all the joy it brings

    At night time I'll be tired
    But I'll still hold you tight
    My arms will wrap around you
    And keep you through the night

    And when you finally slumber
    I will kneel and pray
    Asking God to bless you
    On this special Mother’s Day

    Your Little Angel

  4. That was really nice thank you. It made me cry that's a beautiful poem.

  5. Fabby Pic - made me giggle...

    Thinking of you on Mother's Day - you are not just a mother - you a good mother. You were the best mother you could be, in circumstances that most parents will never have to endure.

    Sending you much love xx