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Monday, May 2, 2011

It's the little things

...that cause the biggest breakdowns. Yesterday I was doing laundry like I do all the time. No big deal just sitting watching Sex In The City reruns and folding clothes. I started to fold Aiden's onesies and that was it, I lost it. I remember folding my Gavin's onesies waiting for him to come and then making sure everything looked perfect after he was born and I was waiting for him to come home. I would imagine him in every outfit and think where he would wear each one to. He had a first fourth of July outfit and so many pairs of little shoes. My step dad bought him these loafers that were so cute and he was so proud to say his grandson would wear them. I got my baby a carter's preemie outfit after he was born with a monkey on the bum and one with a fishie too. I had them set out to wear the day he fell ill. So many outfits with matching hats and bibs. There was a carter's sweater that was so fuzzy with bear ears that my aunt bought him in the hospital for his "three week birthday." So many clothes that I thought he would stain and outgrow.

My aunt bought him stuff constantly. We actually spent more time together while he was in the hospital then ever before. She came there almost daily, which was triple anyone else save my BF. I was quite surprised and so glad for her company. We would stay there together all day everyday, we would drink coffee and smoke (I know so bad but after having him quitting went out the window the stress was too much to bare), we would eat lunch and dinner together, sit outside in the sun and talk. It was actually really nice. I felt very at peace during those days. Even though my son was in the hospital he was doing extremely well. My family and I were all happy that he was going to be o.k. and we spent a lot of time together there talking and holding Gavin. Even when I was there by myself sitting in the rocking chair with Gavin it was the happiest I had ever been.

Long gone are those days of innocence and peace. I wish for them back every day. I just want to be happy and to not know what pain really feels like. I want to watch my boy grow and prepare him to be a big brother. It's pure torture to think I will have to live like this for the rest of my days. Wishing life was something it could never be again. I am happy to be able to be a mom again. I am very lost not being one. I feel like my life is missing something but really that something is a Gavin and he won't ever come back. Will I find some peace with this new baby? Or will I be more upset that Gavin isn't here and we aren't a whole family?

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