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Friday, May 20, 2011

The Grief Wave

I definitely caught the wave of grief today. I am always grieving but sometimes it just hits me all of a sudden like a ton of bricks when I least expect it. A smell, a word, a picture, a story anything can remind of Gavin and then I remember he is gone. I am so overwhelmed right now but most of all angry. I have Gavin's pictures as my screen at work. Sometimes I think it's a bad idea but I never want him to go away. When I look at how beautiful he was and then think about how I will never see that handsome face again I am enraged. How could such a precious, innocent, sweet boy be taken away from me? How and why is this possible? It has been almost a year since he has been gone and it doesn't hurt any less when I realize he is never coming back.

When he first died I was in extreme denial. I thought that somehow, someway I would wake up one morning and there he would be. I would bargain with God, Angels, Buddha whoever the hell I thought was listening to just let him come back to me. I didn't care how he was brought back I told them I wouldn't question it, just let me wake up tomorrow and my sweet Gavin be in his bassinet. I even went as far as to think I could find a time traveler like I have read about and beg him to save my son. Sound crazy? Then you haven't lost a child and good for you. I however have lost my son and I know that feeling of desperation where you will do or try anything if it meant he would still be alive.

I still don't believe this is real even after all this time. I never could have imagined that something so tragic and devastating would happen to me. I read about stories babies dying or watched it on the news but didn't think I would ever live through it. I just want my son back and I know this will never happen but I don't know if I can accept it. I am really struggling today and I am really missing you Gavin.

**I want to share as many pictures of Gavin as I can but it makes me sad to think one day soon I will run out of new ones to post. I want to show what a funny little guy I had today. So here are some of the silly faces he made. First one he is in his swing look how small he is compared to it. Second one he was rolling around on my bed. Third one in his bouncy seat pondering where the animals came from.**

1 comment:

  1. what a cute little bald head,and his face he looks like he is thinking intensly in the one photo-too cute. I am still in the bargaining stage and cant beleive someone else thought of the time traveller first