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Sunday, May 8, 2011

Going To Explode

Susan-you were right I should have stayed home.

I love my mother and grandmother I do. My mother is who I wanted to see today so I am at her house for dinner. Despite the fact I have spent the entire morning crying uncontrollably and picking fights with my BF for no good reason. I am angry, enraged in fact. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept thinking about Gavin and how soft his skin was. How we would fall asleep on the couch together. It was very,very hot at that time and I would let him lay in a onesie or diaper with me. His skin was so soft and smelled so good (you know the way newborns smell). All I did was lie awake wondering how that could be taken away from me. It sunk in that I will never feel that skin again.

So I cried and cried and threw my mother's day gift on the floor. Then cried some more. My BF didn't deserve it and I feel so awful. I was throwing a tantrum though and couldn't stop. He made me breakfast and begged me to eat. I cried all over it and apologized. He said he wasn't mad and thanked me. I put up with him when he has these fits as well. We may sound crazy but this is what our life has become. Two lunatics trying to survive. My belly was shaking so I cried harder because I didn't want pumpkin upset. I have finally calmed down but the aftermath is still here. My eyes are swollen, my head is throbbing and I feel guilty for being so nasty. I just want my son back and to want something more then anything in the whole world, that you can't make happen is devastating.

Well here I am at my mom's and she gave me an engraved frame that says "To The Best Mommy In The World, Love Gavin." It was so thoughtful of her and I am glad she remembers I am a mommy. My grandmother on the other hand who is not very old (so don't think she doesn't know better) said to me "Oh Happy ALMOST Mother's Day To You." I said did you forget I pushed my son out of my crotch? That I mothered him and am still his mother?" She said "Well he's not here anymore." I am lost for words, I want to throw something at her. I even had this conversation about my coworker with her and how much it hurt my feelings yesterday. I guess that went in one ear and out the other. I could throw up I am so mad and I think I am just going to leave.

So that settles it my own family members are turning into the ignorant people that I choose to avoid. God help me. I wish I could go back to this day. I miss my son...Love you Gavin.


  1. {{Stephanie}} Well done - I know it was terrible, but you survived the day. I'm sorry your grandmother was so thoughtless - my Dad something similar to me on Mother's Day here - I think it is because he is a gormless tosser with no common sense, or the more generous phrase is that people can't handle the fact that we are parenting our dead children and always will - they want to focus on the future.

    Sounds like your Mum is lovely.

    Love the pic of you (I assume!) with Gavin.

    Don't worry about Pumpkin - little ones are amazzingly resilient xx

    Sending you a special hug for Mother's day (from one mother to another) xx

  2. I can't believe your grandmother said that. The balls on that one. I'm glad your mother understands. ((Hugs))

  3. Susan- I am sorry your dad is a wanker like my grandma can be sometimes. Somehow I survived the day I can' believe how bad I felt. It was truly a hard day. My mom is a good momma. That is Gavin and I in our favorite cuddle position. Thank you (HUGS) to you.

    lisasue- She has some mighty big balls. I am still in shock. Thank you (HUGS) to you.