Susan-you were right I should have stayed home.
I love my mother and grandmother I do. My mother is who I wanted to see today so I am at her house for dinner. Despite the fact I have spent the entire morning crying uncontrollably and picking fights with my BF for no good reason. I am angry, enraged in fact. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept thinking about Gavin and how soft his skin was. How we would fall asleep on the couch together. It was very,very hot at that time and I would let him lay in a onesie or diaper with me. His skin was so soft and smelled so good (you know the way newborns smell). All I did was lie awake wondering how that could be taken away from me. It sunk in that I will never feel that skin again.
So I cried and cried and threw my mother's day gift on the floor. Then cried some more. My BF didn't deserve it and I feel so awful. I was throwing a tantrum though and couldn't stop. He made me breakfast and begged me to eat. I cried all over it and apologized. He said he wasn't mad and thanked me. I put up with him when he has these fits as well. We may sound crazy but this is what our life has become. Two lunatics trying to survive. My belly was shaking so I cried harder because I didn't want pumpkin upset. I have finally calmed down but the aftermath is still here. My eyes are swollen, my head is throbbing and I feel guilty for being so nasty. I just want my son back and to want something more then anything in the whole world, that you can't make happen is devastating.
Well here I am at my mom's and she gave me an engraved frame that says "To The Best Mommy In The World, Love Gavin." It was so thoughtful of her and I am glad she remembers I am a mommy. My grandmother on the other hand who is not very old (so don't think she doesn't know better) said to me "Oh Happy ALMOST Mother's Day To You." I said did you forget I pushed my son out of my crotch? That I mothered him and am still his mother?" She said "Well he's not here anymore." I am lost for words, I want to throw something at her. I even had this conversation about my coworker with her and how much it hurt my feelings yesterday. I guess that went in one ear and out the other. I could throw up I am so mad and I think I am just going to leave.