Thursday, May 5, 2011

Am I A Mother?

Mother's Day as everyone knows is coming up. I can't say I am looking forward to it yet. I am thankful I can spend the day with my family but it will be another painful reminder that Gavin isn't here. Last year on Mother's Day was the first day I was able to hold Gavin. That was seriously the best thing I could have asked for. Since he had tubes everywhere I wasn't able to hold him before then. It broke my heart that I could look at him but not pick him up. He was my baby but I felt like he belonged to the hospital.. It was even worse when he would cry and I couldn't even console my own little boy. I instead had to settle with rubbing his legs and singing to him. Anything to let him know I was there and how much I loved him. That changed on Mother's Day.

I came to the hospital to sit with my baby and spend the day with him. The nurse came over to talk to me like she always did and she said really casual "Would you like to hold him?". I thought I heard her wrong. When I realized this wasn't a cruel joke I almost cried. When I was handed my baby boy for the first time my heart melted all over again. He snuggled up to me so close like he was waiting for me too. I will never forget that moment.

Now I am kind of dreading Mother's Day. Another day where the world will be moving and I am stopped frozen in sadness wishing Gavin was here. Next year will be a little easier when Pumpkin is here and I feel like a real mother again. Do angel mother's get celebrated on mother's day? Or how about expecting mother's? Or what if you are both? Maybe I can skip my family's house and spend the whole day sitting with my son again. I just wish it was with a one year old Gavin and not a grave.
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3 comments:

  1. SusanMay 5, 2011 at 12:24 PM

    Yes - you are a mother. I don't think you can be unmothered, once you've parented - it's not as though you can go back to the person you were before you became a mother.

    Expectant mothers are sort of mothers too... though I personally feel I am a mother because I have mothered Catherine, rather than becaue I am pregnant.

    When we had mothers day in the UK, I think most people were very akward about what to say to me.

    But I do think you need to be realistic about how hard it may be. Mothers day may be very poignant for you - don't feel you have to spend it with your family celebrating... they should understand that you have nothing to celebrate, and if they don't - well ... Be prepared for next year being difficult too - my thought is there will always be someone missing...

    Take care Stephanie xx

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  2. SusanMay 5, 2011 at 10:19 PM

    PS Fabulous photo of you both xx

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  3. BellaStephMay 6, 2011 at 3:57 AM

    Thanks Susan that was the second day I got to hold him. I took it myself! I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling. I already posted the picture of Mother's Day in another post.

    I know I am still a mother and thank you for confirming it. My question was more towards the people who forgot that I am (coworkers, friends, certain family members.) I think they know I have nothing to celebrate but they will want me to be with them so they can try to prevent my sadness.

    I can already tell people are awkward on what to say to me. We are still mothers and have he hardest jobs in the world. Expecting and mothering an angel at the same time is not small task.

    XXXXXX

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