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Thursday, April 14, 2011

Welcome To My World

I am writing this Blog to tell about going through the loss of a child while carrying another. I of course willl talk about other things too. I just have so many thoughts I need to get them out!

My son Gavin was born on April 28th, 2010. He wasn't due until June 3rd. I had a very healthy normal pregnancy and never imagined anything bad could happen. I guess that isn't all true, my mom miscarried three times and I was always fearful it was something genetic and passed to me. My doctor would always tell me not to worry everything would be fine. Little did any of us know.

A few days before the 28th I had my shower. It was very beautiful thanks to my wonderful mom. I couldn't believe my son would be usuing the presents I got soon. I didn't know how soon though! On the 28th I felt normal, no contractions or pains. I was sitting in front of my mirror doing my makeup because we had somewhere to go. When I stood up my water broke EVERYWHERE! I was in full panic and yelled to my BF "I think my water just broke!" He said "No it didn't." Then his panic set in he kept telling me everything would be fine as he ran around in circles. I called my mom and tried to pack my bag as I kept leaking through all my pants! I never knew soooo much water would come out. I finally stuck a towel in between my legs and left.

At the hospital when I told them I was in labor the lady looked at me like I was lying. She had me sit in the waiting room for a while. Finally they called me back. I sat in a room and had my mom come with me. I was trying to shave my legs, that's right, on the table and trying to get her to help. She told me I was nuts and to put the shaver away. Soon I was in my room with my BF, mom and best friend. I had a long hard labor and my epidural didn't take. I felt everything all the pain. I was also having constant contractions. I screamed my head off and cried. They should have gave me a c-section and that's where all the problems started. I finally gave birth to me beautiful boy after about 16 hours of labor. They were messing with him and I was screaming and crying as was my BF. It turns out he had swallowed his own fluids in the birth canal. They got him to breathe, I held him for a minute and off they took him.

Being discharged from the hopital with no baby is one of the lonliest feelings in the world. I remember leaving with my balloon and flowers. No one wheeled my out or even paid me any attention. My BF would have but I just wanted to walk to the car in silence. I went home showered, changed and went back to the NICU. I lived there for the next few weeks as Gavin got stronger and learned to breathe on his own. The first day I got to hold him was Mother's Day and you can't get a better present then that! I soon grew tired of the hospital and just wanted to take him home. I was very depressed and spent all my time sitting rocking him there. The first day I did anything we went to a baseball game. That's where I got the call that he would be coming home in the morning. I was never so happy in my life. The next morning couldn't come soon enough. Before I knew it all the nurses were waving to us as we left.

My grandma sat at my house with Gavin and I all day. We couldn't stop lving him up, That's how the next weeks were I never could put him down. I could never sleep because I just stared at him when he was. I am going to spare the details of the morning of his death. I don't like to relive them. I am just going to say my son became ill, he was rushed to the hospital, where it was found out he wouldn't make it. He caught staph and Ecoli pneumonia during his NICU stay. I held my beautiful son as they removed the tubes and I sang You Are My Sunshine to him. I don't know how I didn't kill myself during those days. I was just hoping he would pull through. I am getting terrible anxiety thinking of it now and I have to move on.

To lose your child is the most unnatural thing in the world. It's not supposed to happen to you and when it does you never knew how bad life could really be. What now I thought? How does anyone expect me to keep living? It hasn't been easy I will tell you that. Literally I have to take one minute at a time.

I am now 12 weeks pregnant. I am so excited to be a mom again. Yet I am so scared at the same time. Here is where I would like to share with you my emotions over the next months. If anyone reads this and wants to share their story I would love that as well. Back to work I go now. If I can concentrate!

7 comments:

  1. Your story brought me to tears. I am so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

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  2. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss ((((HUGEHUGS))))

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  3. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little boy. Being pregnant after losing a child is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I hope that this pregnancy goes smoothly for you.

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  4. Thanks for your kind words they are much appreciated.

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  5. thank you for sharing your story. i'm so sorry. i walked for the march of dimes yesterday in honor of the babies i lost at 9 weeks and at 22 weeks. during that walk, i had this epiphany that it was much easier to have lost an unborn baby than to have had that baby be here and hold him and make memories with him. sure, i have the in-utero movements and the ultrasound pictures, but it's not the same as actually having the baby to share with everyone. this is merely my opinion -not meant to offend you or anyone else. i lost my mother shortly after the second baby and i know the feeling of emptiness. i'm so sorry for the pain you will always have. i'm learning just how horrible it is to lose our babies. congratulations on you pregnancy!

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  6. Jeannie thanks for your comment. I am sorry for your losses as well. I would be lost without my mother I know that has to be so hard. You did not offend me at all. I never miscarried but my mother has. Three times in fact and more then half way through the pregnancies. She was obviously miserable after them and had a hard time for a while. When Gavin died though she said to me honey this is nothing like what I went through it's much, much worse. I don't like to say either is worse. I do think it's harder to have seen my child, smelled him, loved him, rocked him, and planned our life out then to have never met him and lost him early on. I know though that if I miscarried this child though I would be miserable. So I feel for those who have miscarried and am sorry their losses. I think we all have a reason to mourn our babies whether we met them or not. The only thing that made me upset is a friend who miscarried told me at least you got to hold him. I replied do you think I have it better? I had to plan my infant son's funeral! I would have never said to her anything like she did to me.

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