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Saturday, April 16, 2011

Lonley Nights

I am having a hard time tonight. I have a hard time every night and day but at night I am usually all alone. My boyfriend works overnights. When Gavin first died I could NEVER be alone. My BF would have to sit with my while I showered. I couldn't sleep in my bed because if I actually was trying to sleep I would never. So we both camped out in our living room. He went back to work before I did as did the rest of my family though. Then I had to be alone and I would cry and scream and throw things. It was almost therapy for me. My anxiety is unreal at this point. Hearing an ambulance, police or firetruck go by is like stabbing my heart. I get flashbacks to the day my son was dying and I was trying to revive him. I don't understand why God couldn't take me instead. I would have went in his place, if God changes his mind I would still go.I used to take anxiety medicine that at least helped me sleep. I stopped as soon as I found out I was pregnant against my doctor's wishes. She fears my anxiety is too crazy to not take anything. My OBGYN is against anything though as am I. There is nothing to support it's safe either. These crazy up and down emotions make me feel like I have multiple personalities. I am so excited for my new little one, then I am back to being so sad for my lost Gavin.

I can't imagine I will ever lead a normal life again and that makes me angry. I feel like I have been robbed of my own life and my son's all at once. I am going through the motions of life sure but I am not living. Gavin would have been one on April 28th. It's fast approaching. I should be planning his birthday party, instead I am planting flowers in a planter for his grave. My whole family and I have taken off work. I feel so guilty like I ruined their lives as well. Like I robbed my brother and sister of the happy mother they once had. That might sound crazy, I know but you can't help how you feel. I go to bereavement groups from time to time but sitting there doesn't make anything better. All the parents just cry about how bad their life is. Which is what I do too. I don't think that really gets us anywhere.

I guess I will lay down and cry and watch t.v. I sure will cry myself to sleep tonight. I miss you Gavin Alexander every second of every day.


  1. Hi Bella
    I followed you over to your blog - you commmented on mine yesterday. As you know I'm also pg after losing my daughter. My anxiety is very high too. I think unfortunately that is just going to be normal for us for a while. Keep struggling through - most people don't have a clue about how hard this is.
    Susan x

  2. I appreciate that Susan! I was glad to find your blog because you're right there isn't many people out there who know how we feel.

    Take Care!