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Monday, April 25, 2011

Drowning

I am drowning today in a sea of tears and a sea of anxiety. I have flashbacks of my son over and over. His face, his cry, his smile, giving him a bath, or laying with him and cuddling. Then holding him after they took him off life support and thinking how will I ever go on? I am shaking, my heart is racing and I want to scream or break things or run into the street. No matter what has happened to me before Gavin, it was always able to be fixed. Death can not be fixed, he is not coming back. I am suffering without him but I won't get that sigh of relief that comes when a problem is solved. He is gone and I can not do anything about it. I have never felt so alone in my life. When the only thing that mattered is gone what are you supposed to do?

I have lost my mother as well, not literally but she was the only one left who felt the pain I did. My BF does not express emotions well. I know he hurts but it's not the same. He does not doubt how sad I am either. It seems my mother does, that she really doubts I am still sad or anxious. That I just need to bury it and move on. I know she is sad and misses Gavin but it seems when I am miserable and trying to talk to her about it she misses the point. She instead tells me how if I changed this or did that my life would be better. I do not care if I hit the lottery tomorrow and everything else just fell into place, my life would be the same. Empty.

I miss my son and nothing will ever change that. Not time, money, or people telling me to not be so sad. I am in a very dark place and it's very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

6 comments:

  1. Stephanie - big, big hug for you. It is hard when people around you don't understand - or want to fix things. The thing is, Gavin's death can't be fixed - but you will cope, as you've coped on other days - as we all do, especially when we encourage and support each other.

    I think holidays are hard - every one seems to be having a good time, and the pressure is immense. Do you think Easter might have made you feel worse? If so, time to lay low, maybe steep yourself in grief and step back out of celebrations for a little while?

    I know it can't be made better, but please do take care of yourself. Being pg after a bereavement is just terribly hard. You need all the support you can get. Things that help me on very bad days are: phoning a bereaved parent support line, hanging out with really understanding mates (who are just prepared to listen) and sometimes tuning out (day off work, watching crap tv)... don't know if any of that would make you feel any better... but please be gentle with yourself. People don't get how hard this is xx

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  2. Thanks Susan of course you understand and it makes me feel better talking to anyone who does. Holidays are very hard and Easter did make things worse. My family was all gathered together and nobody mentioned his name and it seems they haven't in a while. I thought am I the only one thinking how this holiday is stupid without him here? I do need to lay low and be with my emotions. I think I will email my bereavement counselor, she has lost a son and is very understanding. I am actually a wreck at work trying not to cry and look like a crazy woman!

    Thanks for your comment I really appreciate your suggestions. It seems we do the same things when we are overcome with grief.

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  3. I don't have any advice or suggestions, I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are having a rough time. I hope you are able to find some peace soon. ((HUGS))

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  4. Thank you for the hugs I need them.

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  5. Holidays are crap - I did wonder how you would get on, as you seemed so upbeat, wishing everyone a happy Easter before the holiday. Just think you need to lower your expectations -and your family's if necessary... nothing is going to be ok or jolly for a while for us... and being pg is a rollercoaster too xx

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  6. I guess that is a fake thing I have learned to do now. Although I do wish everyone a good holiday even though mine is shit. I feel like my sadness makes people mad at me! In some ways it does. I have friends who are young, they have no kids and just want to have fun. I wish they would just stop talking to me for a while but they don't give up. When I talk to them if I don't say something positive and upbeat they get pissy with me. Shitty I know, but I think their intentions are good in wishing I was the same person I used to be. Always joking, laughing and having fun. I have tried very hard to express to them that person is gone but they fail to understand.

    It's hard for people to imagine how sad we really are. I know nothing will be jolly or happy for me but sometimes I pretend it is o.k. so I don't ruin everybody's mood. My family is very supportive, but they do hide their emotions well. I know everyone misses Gavin but it's as if they are trying to move on. Sometimes I feel like they too are ready to avoid me because I am miserable. I know my mother is very upset still but she hides it for my brother and sister's sake. I guess I try to hide it too. That's what especially drove me to write my feelings down.

    We are on an emotional roller-coaster. Thanks for making me feel not so alone. HUGS

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