I am drowning today in a sea of tears and a sea of anxiety. I have flashbacks of my son over and over. His face, his cry, his smile, giving him a bath, or laying with him and cuddling. Then holding him after they took him off life support and thinking how will I ever go on? I am shaking, my heart is racing and I want to scream or break things or run into the street. No matter what has happened to me before Gavin, it was always able to be fixed. Death can not be fixed, he is not coming back. I am suffering without him but I won't get that sigh of relief that comes when a problem is solved. He is gone and I can not do anything about it. I have never felt so alone in my life. When the only thing that mattered is gone what are you supposed to do?
I have lost my mother as well, not literally but she was the only one left who felt the pain I did. My BF does not express emotions well. I know he hurts but it's not the same. He does not doubt how sad I am either. It seems my mother does, that she really doubts I am still sad or anxious. That I just need to bury it and move on. I know she is sad and misses Gavin but it seems when I am miserable and trying to talk to her about it she misses the point. She instead tells me how if I changed this or did that my life would be better. I do not care if I hit the lottery tomorrow and everything else just fell into place, my life would be the same. Empty.
I miss my son and nothing will ever change that. Not time, money, or people telling me to not be so sad. I am in a very dark place and it's very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.