My Baby In Heaven

Here is my baby the day after I had him. I know all the tubes look awful but they were just breathing tubes and monitors. Either way after I pushed him out and they wheeled me into him I burst into tears. I just seen my helpless, sweet angel in this plastic crib with tubes everywhere and lost it. I just wanted to hold my baby and I couldn't. All of that work pushing him out, carrying him for eight months and I couldn't even hold him close. I was devastated to say the least. There was no getting around the situation though, so I made the best of it. I sat next to my baby with the crib side down and I would rub his back, legs, feet (which he loved) and sing or read to him. I would kiss him all over his beautiful little baby body. I sat in that rocking chair next to him until my butt was asleep, I would walk around for a minute and run right back. You couldn't keep me away from him, no matter how many nurses said I needed my rest. I would rest later I told them, I am not leaving my son alone. Many people came to visit him, their reaction all the same. They would burst into tears and look at me with those eyes full of pity. I would always reassure them my baby was just fine and they were worrying for nothing.

I was right he was fine and he pulled through. He was a strong amazing boy and such a fighter. I am so proud to say I am Gavin's mom.

Yesterday I sat at his grave with my family despite the high winds. We left a flower, a balloon, and some decorations. My family all huddled up and cried. I though to myself why us? We are good people and we loved our baby. After a while we left and went to and odds and ends store. One of those that has lots of random things. It's what we did the day after his funeral too. I guess looking at all the random things gives your mind something to think about. We walked around forever and purchased random things.

Earlier I asked my friends to light a candle to remember Gavin's birthday. Thanks to Susan who has the best ideas and advice. When I got home I noticed my phone going off a lot. People actually did it! They sent pictures or posted them on facebook too. I cried so hard knowing he could see those candles for him in heaven. I hope my baby looked down from his cloud and seen how much we all love him.