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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

A Ghost of Stephanie Past

I can't help but think tomorrow is one day from when I went into labor. Just sitting in front of my mirror doing my makeup I thought I was on my way out with my BF for one of our last times before Gavin. To my surprise when I stood up water flowed out. I thought did I just pee? I never went in my pants before but I know pregnant women have accidents. Then I realized this is way too much water. As my BF ran around like a crazy person, I got my bag together (which I had planned on doing the next day), called my best friend and parents, changed my soaked pants a million times (finally I shoved a wash cloth there) and we were off. I remember sitting in the car thinking is this real? Is he coming already? It's too early, I hope everything is o.k. I know everything is o.k. I looked down at my boobs, God I look like a porn star! When did my boobs get bigger! I didn't realize how big and hard they would get. Crazy that's what I was thinking at the time but in that moment Gavin and the pregnancy were so very real. The drive was short to the hospital and it seemed even shorter. Here we go I thought..My BF was supposed to park the car in front and the attendant would valet it. He instead let me out and drove around like a crazy person. I went inside and tried calling him when I seen he drove away from the valet. I could see he was nervous too! Finally he came in it red faced from running from the car with my lovey in tow. Up to the labor and delivery floor we went. Accompanied by my mother, BF and best friend I sat in that hospital, in a painful labor for a long time.

I remember thinking how am I going to push this baby out? This is really happening and it's going to hurt. But I can't wait to finally meet my little boy so I have to endure whatever pain is thrown at me. It's time to put on my brave face and push! I may have screamed, cursed, and cried but I was focused on bringing my baby into the world. After a long labor I finally did just that. Pain was never more worth it. When they put him on my chest and I seen that little muffin I cried. He was beautiful.

The weather today reminds me so much of last year. It's finally getting warm out, people are in great moods spending their days outside. The whole world is doing something, going somewhere. Last year I was apart of that busy, living world. I am a ghost of that girl now. I have died, came back and am watching my loved ones from a distance. I would love to reach out to them, to join them again. I never realized how pain free my life was and how bad I could really have it.

I felt pain for others when I heard sad stories. I actually read a story about a couple on twitter who had a very ill daughter while I was pregnant. I followed them and prayed for that little girl all the time. She eventually died and I couldn't get her out of my head. A little girl I never met but I felt such pain for her family. Nothing compared to what they felt but still I thought of them. I never ever thought it would be me. After all God doesn't give you more then you can handle right? Well I couldn't handle such a tragedy and he knew that. I don't believe in that saying anymore. God does not play us around like chess pieces, what happens to us he is not always responsible for. God doesn't go around taking our children away from us.

I have to hold it together for right now. People don't understand that I am still in pain. After all I am having a new baby right? New babies fix everything. They are so wrong. I can't very well cry at my desk all day and be labeled insane. It's time to put on my brave face again.

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