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Monday, April 25, 2011

Monday Already?

This weekend like every weekend just flew by. How was everyone's Easter? I had a pretty good Easter with my family and my lovey. That picture is my lovey and my brother. We went to my grandma's to eat, took a walk and had an egg hunt. Aiden got more toys and candy then he knows what to do with. He got four baskets plus a toy lawnmower just from my family, Brad and I. His mother told me he also got four baskets from her family! We don't give him a lot of candy though, mostly snacks that he likes and little toys. I am glad he keeps me so busy because holidays are that much harder if we don't get him.

I have such a huge anxiety before or around holidays, or everyday for that matter. It's just really hard especially when it's like everyone else has forgotten. Last year on Easter I was very pregnant and not long after I gave birth. To think how happy I was a year ago and full of excitement for my new baby to come. Now I am full of sadness and pain. My baby's birthday would be on this Thursday. I took the day off of work so I can sit with him at his grave, plant some flowers and talk to him. I always wonder when I am talking to him if he is listening. When a baby is in heaven can they hear their mother? Do they understand what you are saying to them? I hope so, I really, really do. Or does my son know I am lost without him? Or how everyday I am dying inside? Or how much I love him and always will?

I used to be happy if anyone remembers, things never made me so angry either. That girl died and I am a new person. I have to except my new self and so does everyone else. That girl died on June 1st and she's not coming back. If you don't like this new girl I understand and no one expects you to befriend her. You were friends with the old girl, this new one isn't the easiest to deal with. No one wants to think that you can possibly be as sad as I am, or that life can deal you some really shitty things that no matter what you do can't be fixed. Hell I can't even accept it yet either.

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