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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

My Tiny Angel

Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so". 
(Author Unknown)

Tomorrow is April 28th, the day Gavin came into this world. Once the happiest day in my life is now a day I dread. Right now I should be wrapping gifts, cleaning my house, going to the store for a cake and preparing for my beautiful baby to turn one. I am instead at work holding back tears. When I get out it won't be to shop for last minute decorations for a party but ones for a grave. Tomorrow I will sit with him and talk, cry and apologize that I could not save him. A mother should be able to protect their baby from anything, I failed as a mother. That is the hardest part is knowing I didn't save him, that I couldn't, I sat watching helplessly as he slipped away from me. No amount of tears, screams, or prayers kept him here.

I was supposed to watch my baby grow, learn to talk, takes his first steps, laugh and play not bury him.I can't help but wonder what he would look like? What would he know how to do at one? Would his big brother Aiden be his protector? I won't get to find those things out ever. My baby boy will celebrate his first birthday in heaven. While I sit here in hell wishing to join him.

Nobody even seems to remember that it's his birthday tomorrow, besides my immediate family. My best friend who sat with me while I was in labor and I made her the God mother hasn't said a word. She instead is bitching to me about her baby registry. I can't help but hate her knowing her biggest problem is what she will get for her shower. Or for the fact that I thought enough of her to make her my son's God mother and she can't think enough of him to mention his name.

I love you Gavin you were the most beautiful boy in the world. I love you with my whole heart and the day you died I did too. I will never be the same without you here. I look forward to the day we meet again.



  1. Your best friend sucks. Her behaviour is inappropriate - though a pound to a penny, if you mention it, she probably thinks she is doing the right thing by not upsetting you by mentioning him.

    If you can bear it, you could always post a just-giving link on Facebook, and ask people to give in Gavin's name - or ask everyone to light or candle or what ever remembrance would help you. I think you once give people "permision" they will (be shamed) into responding...

    The important thing though Steph - is you remember him, you love him, and you were the best mother you could be. Who could ask more of you? xx

  2. Susan you are right even though I hate to admit it! I was very sad yesterday and I expressed that to her. I have told her many times that hearing Gavin's name is always a good thing. Instead she whined about how someone didn't want to follow her registry but instead make her something. I thought can she be serious right now? She not only did NOT follow mine she told me she hated registries. I was still grateful for her gifts and anyone else's. I acutally bought almost everything off mine. Which is really besides the point.

    Those ideas are wonderful! I think I will ask people to light a candle tomorrow for him. Thank You! I am grateful for all of your advice. My friends do not ever stop to think that my sadness is valid and that their drama means nothing to me. Exactly why I mostly hang out with my family. It is hard to find people to talk to who understand, I really do appreciate all of your comments. Thank you I tried to be the best mom to Gavin.

  3. Your words are so profound. I can truly feel your emotions through your writing. I'm so sorry for your loss,sadly I have lost a baby as well and want to say you inspire me to keep strong! Happy belated birthday to your beautiful little boy!

  4. Thank you very much! That really means a lot to me. Mother's who have lost a baby can really relate and draw strength from one another. I am sorry for your loss as well.