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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I'm A Failure




I miss my son. I am going crazy I think and I just really miss my baby. Everywhere I look lately there is some sort of SIDS warning in my face. The internet, T.V., my magazines and it all makes me feel like the shittiest mother alive. Gavin died of staph and ecoli pneumonia but while he was asleep. So it makes me feel like I did something wrong still. I am filled with guilt over my baby being gone and I am still here. I can't even sleep at night I am so sick about it. How will I ever survive with another newborn?

I suppose I will never sleep or take my eyes off of him that's how. Or perhaps put him in a bubble and never let anyone in my house. Then there's the issue of going back to work. I know that I am never going to want to leave this baby. If I can not stare at him for his first few months alive (hell his first 20 years alive) and know he is o.k. freak outs will ensue. So I am thinking about doing childcare from my home. I am certified in everything and have taken some child classes in college. Besides raised my step baby and have babysat children since age 12. Out of all those kids I kept alive I couldn't do it for my own. I will leave that part out when writing my ad of course.

I miss Gavin and life with him here now seems like a fairytale. If my baby was here everything would be perfect and the majority of this worry would never cross my mind. I miss you Gavin, I hope where you are you are happy and safe. I am sorry I failed you.

4 comments:

  1. You are not a failure. ((hugs))

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  2. I know those days, we all have them and we all feel that way but your not a failure BellaSteph. These things are beyond your control, Jack got several different infections and that was while he was already in the hopsital surrounded by Docs, they could not prevent his heart stopping either. They even had all the moniters on Jack and still could not tell what was coming. Sometimes I have a hard time trying to put into words what I'm trying to say but basically if they couldnt prevent this stuff then how could you.I think you are a fantastic Mom.

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  3. Big hug to you Steph. I think being pg is the worse time. You have no baby hold, and all that worry to think of, and all the time in the world to dwell on it. I honestly believe that when Gavin's wee brother arrives, you'll start to feel differently xx

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  4. Steph you have to try to let go of the guilt. I am trying along with you. Like Michelle stated above, if doctors could not save our children how could we. You are a great mother and don't let anyone tell you differently.

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