Wednesday, July 27, 2011
I'm A Failure
I miss my son. I am going crazy I think and I just really miss my baby. Everywhere I look lately there is some sort of SIDS warning in my face. The internet, T.V., my magazines and it all makes me feel like the shittiest mother alive. Gavin died of staph and ecoli pneumonia but while he was asleep. So it makes me feel like I did something wrong still. I am filled with guilt over my baby being gone and I am still here. I can't even sleep at night I am so sick about it. How will I ever survive with another newborn?
I suppose I will never sleep or take my eyes off of him that's how. Or perhaps put him in a bubble and never let anyone in my house. Then there's the issue of going back to work. I know that I am never going to want to leave this baby. If I can not stare at him for his first few months alive (hell his first 20 years alive) and know he is o.k. freak outs will ensue. So I am thinking about doing childcare from my home. I am certified in everything and have taken some child classes in college. Besides raised my step baby and have babysat children since age 12. Out of all those kids I kept alive I couldn't do it for my own. I will leave that part out when writing my ad of course.
I miss Gavin and life with him here now seems like a fairytale. If my baby was here everything would be perfect and the majority of this worry would never cross my mind. I miss you Gavin, I hope where you are you are happy and safe. I am sorry I failed you.