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Thursday, August 4, 2011

Where is your other baby??

I am a terrible blogger latley I am so sorry! Between chasing Aiden around all by myself, (Brad works 2 jobs now plus OT) plus working full time, preparing for baby and getting the house in order I have no time to write. I am going to make more time though because I need it!

Today I am 28w3d pregnant, which means I am in the 3rd Trimester! I can't believe I have made it this far. I had some troubles in the beginning with spotting and such but it all turned out to be nothing (Thank God). Now here me and baby Pumpkin are still chugging along. I am so glad he has stuck with me and I hope I can see him grow old, have babies and do all the things he is supposed to do. I want nothing more in life then for my children to be safe and healthy. I wanted that for Gavin too. I can't believe he won't be here with his brother.
It's very hard when you are pregnant again because people (strangers) have a lot of questions. They always want to know if this is your first, if it's not then when did you have your first, or how old is he etc. If I am just asked things like If this is my first I can respond with a quick "no" and try to keep it moving. If we get to the when was my other baby born then I respond with his birthday. It's when they get to his age that I don't know what to say. I don't always feel like explaining my situation but I don't want to lie about my sweet boy either. I am not ashamed of him and would tell the whole world about him if I could. People's reactions hold me back though. I often just say my son passed away last year and they drop it. The nosey ones ask why and how? Which I tell them and then they have this brief look of dispair. Followed by a huge smile and something like "well at least you are having another or good luck with this baby." I have heard it all.

Last week a rather rude lady asked me if I was due any day now. To which I responded "No, not until October." Her response was "OMG there is something in the water latley because all pregnant women are HUGE!" Now I have not even gained that much and really it is all in my belly. Even if it wasn't why would you be so damn rude? Well it didn't stop there. She then went on about how every pregnant woman she sees is way bigger then she ever was. Which mind you this lady was no small thing, in fact I was only bigger then her in the belly and maybe butt. Then she asked "Well do you have any other kids?" I said "My first was born in April 2010." She then got an even crazier look on her face because my kids would be so close in age. I walked away from her but heard her say "Well at least they will be best friends." That line hurt the most. I wish my sons could be best friends I would give my life for it.

I was asked several times last week about my pregnancy and other kids. The other times weren't as bad but they all hurt. People do not ever expect you to say "My other child died." Mother's never expect one of their children to die. There is no book on how to handle this and maybe I should think of a line that will make people back off. I don't mind ever talking about Gavin but I don't feel like being quizzed on his death. After all I went through last week with that nonsense I decided to go sit with my Gavin and talk to him. The universe is clearly trying to tell me he wanted me to. So I went to sit with my son at his grave and ask him how he felt about this baby. I explained to him how much I love him and that this baby is not his replacement. He is unreplaceable and I hope he knows that.

Being pregnant after the death of a child is the biggest emotional rollercoaster you could ever ride. Grief and joy are usually not felt together but in this situation they go hand in hand. I have struggled a lot through this pregnancy but there has been a lot of happiness too. I just hope that Gavin knows I love him with my whole being and will wish he was here for the rest of my life. I hope Pumpkin knows I love him in the same way and even if I am sad I am still happy about him. No mother should have to feel this way but I am learning to work with my situation. Pray for my strength or send me good vibes in the next few months, I am going to need it.

3 comments:

  1. I think that it is beautiful that you explain how you feel to Gavin and I hope that you continue to do so. He was your baby boy and will always be so. You are always in my prayers.

    Marisa

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  2. Beautifully put Steph - you tell it as it is x

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