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Saturday, October 1, 2011

Hello October so nice to see you!

I can not believe today is October 1st. I never thought this month would come. This month I am going to have a baby. I really don't know where the time went. It literally feels like yesterday when I finally got a positive pregnancy test. After many negative tests I was beginning to get very worried that something was wrong with me. I began to tell myself that Gavin was a miracle baby and I wasn't ever going to get pregnant again. I have never dealt with fertility issues and I can't imagine how hard that must be. My very irregular periods do make for a tricky time conceiving. I have gone at lest 6 months at a time with out one. I also have very painful periods and started taking birth control very young to help with that. Trying to conceive this baby consisted of temping, trying to track my crazy ovulation and literally doing it every day for months. (Sorry if that's T.M.I.) I just never wanted us to miss a precious ovulation day. So poor Brad was my slave for a while.

Looking back I probably became so obsessed with getting pregnant as a way to give myself something to focus on. I of course wanted to have a baby and have not regretted that decision ever. I just think I went crazy from the get go like this has to happen NOW. I was meant to be a mom though. Not saying I am super mom just saying I love every part of motherhood. Having Gavin was the best thing that ever happened to me and I felt this strong sense of purpose the first time I laid my eyes on him. Then to have that all ripped away left me extremely empty.

So here I am again about to embark on this motherhood journey. I wish I could do it with the innocence of a mom who has never lost a child. That isn't going to happen though and I am going to have to learn to except that. In 23 days (give or take a few) I will have a precious baby in my arms. I really am very excited. I just wish his brother was here to meet him. I will never stop wishing for my boys to be together here on earth. In a perfect world a mother wouldn't have to wish for something like that. In a perfect world a mom would always die before her child. I don't live in a perfect world though.

I just hope the next 23 days can be as perfect as they can be for me. I hope my baby is perfect, healthy and lives a long time after me.   

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