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Saturday, August 6, 2011

Don't judge a book by it's cover

I thank God for my family right now. I am blessed to have my mother, father(step but really he is my father), brother, sister and grandmother. They have the best idea (besides Brad) of what I am going through. I can spend time with them knowing if I need to cry I can. People IRL are hard to deal with. They often say things which they think are comforting but to a bereaved mother they sting.  They expect that my wounds have closed and while I still love Gavin I have moved on. No matter how many times you try to express to them that you are still very sad they don't get it and they can't. To them I am working, going places, having a new baby and all that seems to be a sign of moving on.  While I may be able to function better then before I am still grieving the whole time. Believe me I don't want anyone to feel the level of pain a bereaved mother feels. I would rather they think that I am o.k. then to ever have to walk a day in my shoes. It just is pretty lonely here in this bereaved world. I am not the same person and I see life much differently then the normal person.

Going shopping for baby Pumpkin is bittersweet. I find myself drawn to the baby section again which was a place that brought on much grief after the death of my son. I avoided that area of a store like the plague. It was like those baby items were placed there just to bring me pain. The worst was around Christmas time. I should have been buying things for Gavin's 1st Christmas instead I was dreading the holiday that was fast approaching. I had to shop for Aiden though so I drew up some courage and went to brave the crowds. It was what is called "Black Friday" which is the day after Thanksgiving and stores have turned this in to it's own holiday. Everything is on sale and stores open earlier each year. Brad and I went to Toys 'R' Us first. Big mistake. The store was packed and chaotic. I made my way over to Aiden's clothing size whixh was right next to the newborns. At first I was doing o.k. until something that Gavin had caught my eye. That's all it took for me to have a complete meltdown. Amongst all the happy shoppers I stood crying. Some ladies gave me the side eye but probably figured I couldn't find something I wanted and thankfully kept walking.

Now I dart for the baby isle again trying to find whatever it is I think Pumpkin "needs." I still carry the pain in my heart the whole time. I have still started to cry when I come across something that was bought for Gavin. I guess I am so quick to run for the baby things because I never thought I would be there again. My excitement for Pumpkin takes over during those times and helps me through the shopping. I know some find it very hard to shop after a loss for another baby. To me it helps make Pumpkin more real and lets me think of him as a living, breathing baby.

It's crazy the thinking that goes in to simple things such as shopping trips after you lose a child.  A mother can go through her day without thinking twice about many tasks she is doing. The bereaved mother may have to plan a week ahead before being able to enter a grocery store she once went to with her child. I carry Gavin in my heart everywhere I go. To others I am "normal" again and even happy. I know the truth though.

1 comment:

  1. The wounds never close only us mothers of loss know that. Its so good you have family to share it with. I have yet to find someone who will truly mourn and cry with me. It makes me even more sad. It also makes me feel like the only one who is missing Jack is me. I know your truth and I am always thinking of Jack, Gavin and Isabella too.Its good that you are able to have moments with pumkin too.Thinking of you well wishes