Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Second Year Blues
I am sorry to scare those of you who are still in the first year. I have to say this though, the second year so far has been harder. I am having an extremely difficult time and its why I haven't written much. The second year for me has been about coming to terms with my feelings. Figuring out how I really feel and then letting myself feel it. Don't get me wrong I felt immense pain in the first year and am still not sure how I made it out alive. Much of that first year though was spent bargaining and pretending instead of really feeling.
After Gavin died I spent time researching ways that I could bring him back. Researching time machines, time travelers, genies in a bottle, you name it. Sound crazy? Have your kid die and then you will find out there is nothing you won't do, say or think about to bring them back. While I know all these things aren't real, I had to explore any and every option. I had to see if some one out there swore they had some magic, some crazy answer, because I would hunt them down. With all my worldly possessions and my bank account drained I would find that person and trade it all for some of their magic. Of course I found some outrageous stories on the internet but nothing that was written by anyone remotely sane. Probably they were bereaved parents too and if so I don't blame them for being out of their minds.
After I gave up my witch hunt I turned to God. I begged him to bring my son back. Just let me wake up with him in his bassinet and I won't ask any questions. I will become a nun in fact and never sin again. I would spend the rest of my life trying to convert the non believers. I would do anything God just bring my son back. Apparently my offers weren't good enough because we all know Gavin still isn't here. But God, if you are reading this, those offers still stand.
Once I accepted the fact that Gavin wasn't coming back is when the pain began. I finally realized about 6 months after he died that nothing would bring him back and I would never see him again. You think I would of come to this realization the day I buried him. Even then I didn't give up on my sweet boy. The pain I was feeling was so overwhelming that I thought there was no way I would have to spend my days like that. At that point I still believed this was all a nightmare and I would wake up any second. If this is a nightmare it's a cruel one.
So if you aren't as crazy as me maybe you have already experienced all of the hurt you can in the first year. Maybe the second won't get any better but won't get any worse. For me it feels like the real sadness is just starting. The numbness has completely wore off and I am left to really experience the pain. My sweet angel Gavin is not coming back. I have accepted this but where do I go from here?