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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Bittersweet October

Last night Brad was in  a rather crappy mood. Truth is he has been a lot lately. He's very scared about something going wrong during birth. He says he will cry in the delivery room and he doesn't like people seeing him that way. I am scared of course but I try to pretend I'm not or else I would be in a straight jacket by now. I also am trying to be the strong one this time. Brad was after Gavin died and now it's my turn to be strong for him. Sometimes I freak myself out really bad though. I want to call the Dr. right then and tell him to take the baby out now while he is alive and well. Thankfully this little guy seems to be in tune with his mama and always kicks away when I start to panic.

So back to Brad's mood. I thought he was just nervous like always so didn't really bother with him too much. He likes to be alone with his thoughts when he is in a crap mood. Through out the night though I knew something was wrong as he clung to me and Aiden. He wanted us all to sit in a tight ball and cuddle all night. Aiden usually is running around like a crazy man but surprisingly he just sat here and cuddled in between us. I asked Brad what was wrong finally after realizing he must be really sad. He reminded me how two years ago we just found out I was pregnant with Gavin. He thinks yesterday might have even been the exact date. I am not sure if it is or not but I know it's close to the day. I could probably go back on my FaceBook and figure it out. I started to yesterday but reading all my happy posts about Gavin made me very depressed.

I was very sick the day I found out about him and had to go to emergency care that day. So I am pretty sure I posted about the awful time I was having. After that a nurse came in and she said "Well I have your tests results." She told me I was severely dehydrated, had pneumonia, a high fever and was positive for pregnancy. I remember I had to ask her to repeat that last part. Who says positive for pregnancy anyways? It makes it sound like a terrible disease. She then said "Because you are pregnant we can only give you IV fluids I will be right back, congratulations!" Brad and I had wanted to have children together. We weren't always careful at that point and we knew what we were doing. So we weren't trying but we weren't not trying either. Since I have had such trouble with periods and things in the past I thought it would take a while. Of course the first time we didn't use protection I got pregnant. Brad kept telling me he had a feeling I was but I swore I had my period the month before. We agreed that I would take a test that weekend, but the emergency care visit took care of that for us. Funny how things work out.

The nurse came back a few minutes later and hooked me up to an IV. I asked her to hand me my phone since I was all by myself there. Brad was working at the time. Well don't you know the spot I was sitting in had no service. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get those bars to appear. So I had to sit there until the IV ran out with no one to talk to. After what seemed like forever I was able to text Brad and let him know. He met me there after work since they ran some more tests to check my levels. We were both in shock but excited at the same time. He kept telling me we were going to have a son. He knew all along that was a little boy growing in my belly. The car ride home we talked about our future and our baby. God, we were so happy then. Our innocence was still there and we thought having a baby meant we would watch him grow up.

The same month I found out about Gavin is the month I will have Blake. How crazy is that? It really is funny how things work out.


  1. I know its so hard as we have lost our innocence but it wont be long now. I am already curious as to what he will look like. I am very excited for you and sending positive thoughts your way.

  2. Hope all is well. I understand its a hectic time with no time to post just know I am thinking of you. xo