Night time is always the hardest time of day. It's when the world seems to be still and everyone is in a deep, peaceful sleep. This is the hardest, most loneliest time for the bereaved mother. Alone in her thoughts wishing she could just get some rest. Staring at the clock every hour knowing she know only has 6...4...2...0...more hours to sleep before work. Then it's time to get up and push through the day.
I have been having an awful time sleeping again. Not that I ever slept much but there was a few months that I found I was getting a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. Now the thoughts of Gavin and the day he died play over and over in my head so much that I get sick. I can be having a pretty decent night and get to the point where I am drifting off but as soon as I hit the bed I am wide awake. All I can think about is my lifeless baby and trying to revive him. I replay all the thoughts in my head from that day and I can remember every detail. I am one tortured soul right now and am not sure how much longer this can go on. I would like to think that one can not feel such powerful sadness and heartache for the rest of their lives but I am beginning to think that I can. In 10 weeks I will have a little baby who will need a happy mommy. I am hoping the joy of having him here with overpower the repetitive thoughts of my son's death. I don't ever want to forget about Gavin but if I could erase the day he died from my memory I would.
I know a lot of these repetitive thoughts stem from my anxiety not being treated while pregnant. My Dr. is willing to meet me at the hospital once I deliver to start my meds again. I am hoping I won't need them but I am not to proud to admit I do. I know I will never ever stop grieving for my beautiful Gavin but I can't imagine the self torture that's going on right now is a healthy way to grieve. For the rest of my life I will wish Gavin was here, I will talk to him, hold him in my heart and stare helplessly at his pictures. I just do not want to be the most miserable girl on earth anymore. For a while I was able to see a light at the end of the tunnel but that light has faded and I feel so lost.