Like the Bible my life is now B.G. and A.D. Before Gavin and after death. Before Gavin I will not in any way pretend my life was perfect because it wasn't. I had many struggles and bad times but everything that was wrong could be fixed. Nothing was out of my control or so bad that I couldn't bounce back. I had many dreams ahead of me, my nightmares at night weren't real when I woke up. I saw tragedies happen on t.v. and I couldn't relate. My whole life was still ahead of me. I was funny, I laughed, I went out with my friends and I could sleep at night knowing that nothing was unfixable or couldn't be changed.
When I got pregnant I admit I was scared at first. I knew my life would change but I ready. I wasn't scared in a bad way either. I just had first time mom jitters. I worried about Gavin as a teenager and all the things he would do. Staying out too late, resenting me and normal things teenagers do. I knew he would aways find his way back to me though. My worries were not what if he died, or got sick, or never seeing him again. When I had that baby boy early I still never thought anything could go that wrong that I couldn't fix it. I would lay with him at night and imagine what our life would be like.
When my angel died I did too. The old Stephanie was gone along with the innocence I once had. Bad things do and did happen. I miss that girl and how things were. I miss my son. I miss things being able to be fixed. My son's not coming bac though and either is that girl.