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Friday, June 3, 2011


I don't know why (well I guess I really do) but I am in a terrible, mean mood. Everything is boring to me and I want no part of anything. I am so angry, antsy, crazy all at the same time. I try to find some joy in things but I can't. I am feeling rather empty. I am annoyed with myself, so if reading this annoys you too, I understand. Working, eating, getting out of bed, going to the store, grocery shopping, these are all unimaginable tasks to me.The only reason I eat is for Pumpkin. Everything actually is stupid to me and tastes horrible. Have I fallen worse into a depression? I don't want to cry but I do want to scream at everybody. 

I just really want to be left alone by all these real life people. They anger me to no extent right now. I don't mind my internet friends, in fact I like them better. I would really just like to check out for a bit. I am afraid Pumpkin is dead or sick. There is no real reason for this but I feel like he is. This feeling of emptiness is terribly strong. I don't know what to do. Anxiety has overcome me and once again I am drowning.


  1. Maybe it's just the anniversary? I think if you don't feel better in a few days then you should talk with someone in person. (((hugs))) Always here for you to talk online though.

  2. Always here to listen. I have angry days, sad days,hopeful days and very panicky days. Grief does that and being prego too. Most people are annoying, remember its not just you LOL If I ever get to have another little one I am going to rent a good doppler to help soothe my anxiety.hugs

  3. Thinking of you! Ive been awfully angry and hormonal lately myself. I literally just want to rip everyones face off but I keep telling myself Im not really in a bad mood. LOL I hate worrying about these beings in side of us. Just not fair, my first two pregnancys were so easy so stress free and now im constanlty worrying about everything. I got a doppler so i can hear its beat whenever i want. I use it even though I can physically feel it moving, i keep thinking that well if it was dead and bouncing around in there from my movements or whatever ........ so i just have to hear it.

  4. I appreciate all of you ladies very much.

    Lisasue-Sometimes I think it's not taking my anxiety medicine anymore that's causing these very drastic changes. Although no pill will ever fix what happened, I do have very strong anxiety. I stopped taking it when I got pregnant. I don't want to consider it again until after. I do have an appt. with my OB this week so I am going to bring it up.

    Michelle- Thanks for listening. I really, reallly hope you get to have another baby. Not that it will take your pain away but your a great mom/person and you deserve it.

    Jenny- Your doppler doesn't make you psychotic? I am just asking because I know I would be obsessive! I was going to order one and decided not to because I thought it would cause more anxiety for me. Like if I couldn't find a heart beat early on. I feel some movement now thank God but I still always worry. It's not fair that we don't get to just enjoy these pregnancies with our whole family. Instead we both are missing a piece of us and struggling through something that is so special for others. While I did worry with Gavin it was just normal pregnancy anxiety. Never did I think he was sick or dead or wouldn't grow to be 100 yrs old and out live me. Such a bittersweet thing to be pregnant again.

  5. I think lots of bereaved pregnant mums would relate to a lot of that. My pregnancy with Catherine was a breeze - I had normal pg worries, but like you I sort of assumed that it would all be ok. This time, I've sometimes felt so anxious that I've thought - I just can't do this anymore. The fear is so over-whelming, you can't imagine how you can tolerate it for x more weeks - then some idiot comes along and spouts crap at you, like - you must be so happy - and you've got such a lot to look forward to etc...

    If it's any consolation, I think my low point was around 19 weeks... I had kept hoping I would feel better after the nuchal scan, and I didn't. And as the baby got bigger, I felt I had more and more to lose..., and being only half way there, the time left to worry seems insufferable. As time has gone on though, I have felt calmer. Still touching wood, but I keep trying to reason with myself that Fidget's chances are improving.

    I have to say, I avoided a doppler for the reasons you suggest - but it is a very personal thing. Be gentle with yourself and try to focus on the bits of the pregnancy you can enjoy, whilst allowing yourself to feel as neurotic as you like, and to take any reassurance you want - whatever works for you xx

  6. oh one last thing - I think the anniversary knocked the crap out of me too - esp the anniversary of the funeral... It is hard - people don't get it - and being pg is tough. No wonder we wanna beat people up instead of treating them fine xx

  7. Susan-You hit the nail on the head with all of that. I wanted this pregnancy so bad. I prayed very hard for another baby. Not to replace or forget Gavin but because I was so empty without a family. I have wanted to be a mother my whole life and when that gift was given to me I was complete. To have it then ripped from me left me dead. I am sure you can relate. Now I am getting scared though. I can't bury another child, they will have to bury me too. I am afraid Pumpkin is sick all the time, or that he will come early or worse that he will die. I am afraid he will look just like Gavin and my mind will run away with thinking that he is in fact Gavin. I agree with you being half way there is making it hard. I am too far along to loose him and not freak but not far enough that he will be here soon and just ease my mind. Sigh. I hope the summer goes fast and before I know itbaby is here. Thanks for responding and for the advice Susan. Xxxx

  8. {{steph}} It is hard, really hard. People don't understand how truly awful it is to lose a child, and therefore they can't appreciate fully how scary it is contemplate losing a second. People keep telling me it is unlikely etc., but the chances of losing a healthy 3 year to chicken pox are so low, they barely register. We just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. XX