So now that I have passed a year I am supposed to be "all better" right? I should be done mourning Gavin and ready to focus on my new baby. Right? Wrong! All of that couldn't be more wrong but that's the type of comments I get. While my grandmother (who has been full of gems lately) and I shopped the other day she said" Well I think you are ready to move on and feel better now." I stopped for a minute to wonder where she would get this from. Wasn't it her on the other line just a few days ago as I cried at work and had no one else to talk to? I told her how I was falling apart, was scared, sad and incredibly angry. I guess she took that as pregnancy hormones since she didn't realize that was me still in pain. I replied as pleasantly as I could to her nonsense remark. "Grandma, I am not over Gavin's death nor will I ever be. I am not ready to move on and I do not feel any less pain then I did one year ago" I said. She looked at me as though she was incredibly confused at that statement. She couldn't be any more confused then I was by what she had just said. She changed the subject and I just let it go. That was another day that proved to me something I was afraid of. Even though my family members loved Gavin so much they are not as sad as I am over his loss.
I never thought they were as sad as I am but I thought they were pretty darn close to feeling my grief. Even if they weren't close then at least they understood it. None of that is true though. My family is moving on and starting to live again. While I lay dying behind them. I never imagined we would leave one of our own for dead but they have done just that. My head is barley above water and none of them will throw me a rope. My sorrow for Gavin runs deep still and they do not get it. It's been a year and I should be "moving on", "acting like the old Stephanie" or learning to "control my emotions."
It's been one year and I don't miss you any less sweet boy. I love you Gavin. Without you I am truly alone.