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Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Alone

So now that I have passed a year I am supposed to be "all better" right? I should be done mourning Gavin and ready to focus on my new baby. Right? Wrong! All of that couldn't be more wrong but that's the type of comments I get. While my grandmother (who has been full of gems lately) and I shopped the other day she said" Well I think you are ready to move on and feel better now." I stopped for a minute to wonder where she would get this from. Wasn't it her on the other line just a few days ago as I cried at work and had no one else to talk to? I told her how I was falling apart, was scared, sad and incredibly angry. I guess she took that as pregnancy hormones since she didn't realize that was me still in pain. I replied as pleasantly as I could to her nonsense remark. "Grandma, I am not over Gavin's death nor will I ever be. I am not ready to move on and I do not feel any less pain then I did one year ago" I said. She looked at me as though she was incredibly confused at that statement. She couldn't be any more confused then I was by what she had just said. She changed the subject and I just let it go. That was another day that proved to me something I was afraid of. Even though my family members loved Gavin so much they are not as sad as I am over his loss.

I never thought they were as sad as I am but I thought they were pretty darn close to feeling my grief. Even if they weren't close then at least they understood it. None of that is true though. My family is moving on and starting to live again. While I lay dying behind them. I never imagined we would leave one of our own for dead but they have done just that. My head is barley above water and none of them will throw me a rope. My sorrow for Gavin runs deep still and they do not get it. It's been a year and I should be "moving on", "acting like the old Stephanie" or learning to "control my emotions."

It's been one year and I don't miss you any less sweet boy. I love you Gavin. Without you I am truly alone.

5 comments:

  1. So true, I found the majority of my close relatives didnt treat Jacks passing as any more than losing a family pet ( I dont talk to them anymore). I never realized how self centerd some people really are and that so many others cant even fathom walking in someone elses shoes. It hasnt been that long for me but I know I will never move on. I will always feel alone, empty and without completion now.

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  2. yeah - your grief is boring. You need to pull yourself together and stop wallowing in it. If only you stopped thinking about Gavin all the time and moping, and maybe got your hair done and went to the cinema, you'd probably feel better. After all, you're having another baby, so you really need to focus on that... Besides it makes other people miserable to think of you so unhappy - and what's more, it's not fair on your new baby....

    Etc. etc...

    Yes - I've heard it all too.

    I am going to invent a thumping stick. It has magical properties. Bereaved mothers get to whack hell out of any one who truly pisses them off, and with every whack, they get to hurt like we do... I'm patenting it - but you can borrow it tonight. Big hug to your sweetheart, and don't let the b'stards grind you down xx

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  3. It is so heartbreaking to see the world go on as our world has stopped. I often feel the same way, that people are truly moving on and I am standing still. But unfortunatly, nobody loved them like we do and nobody will ever miss them like we do. The burden of being a parent to an angel is the fact that we carry this hole around with us each day. Don't let anyone minimise your greif, it is real and it is yours.

    Marisa

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  4. The Bare Sidewalk

    The wind is strong
    the day is cold
    and there she walks
    with looks of old
    A sight of loneliness
    strikes her face
    There is a sadness
    that none can erase
    The echos of her grief
    fall on deaf ears
    Others know not what its like
    to shed these tears
    A stranger to even house and home
    This mother of loss
    she walks alone

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  5. Susan- I would love to borrow your thumping stick! I could really use it these days!

    Marisa- I feel that way all the time. Like I am watching everyone else move on and I am stuck behind.

    Michelle- Thank you so much for sharing that poem I really like it. Definitely describes our lives.

    XOXO to all of you.

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