M.I.A.

Sorry I have not blogged in forever! I am 36 weeks pregnant today and finally am feeling ready for this baby to come. Well not now but when he's ready. I have pretty much finished the nursery except for wall decorations (I have them but they are not yet hung). All pumpkin's laundry is done, everything is sterilized, both of our bags are packed and my temp at work finally started today. Thankfully she is catching on really fast and I wouldn't be too worried if we only got this week to train. I'm hoping I will have more time with her then that but if I didn't I think she'd do alright.

I am back to having crazy insomnia and also had the worst sinus infection ever last week. I only worked two half days and one full day I was so sick. I literally felt like a truck hit me and the antibiodics made me feel even worse. This week I'm back to feeling a little more normal. The lack of sleep really sucks though. Laying awake in bed at night is when I have my worst anxiety. My brain replays Gavin's death over and over. I still miss him like crazy and think of him every second of the day. I will always be plagued by the what if's and wondering what life would be like with him still here.

I wonder what he would look like, be able to do, what his personality would be and how he would react to his brother. Yesterday I visited his grave. My grandma and I went together. We planted new flowers and put some little pumpkins on the stone. I always talk to him and remind him his brother can never replace him. I hope he hears me and knows how much I mean that. I wonder if I will be the craziest mother ever and worry about every little thing. I already know I will worry more then normal, I just hope I can enjoy my baby.

Michelle-thanks for your comment and thinking of me even though I haven't been blogging. I still think of all of you every day. I promise to make more of an effort to write.  I am so grateful for all of the wonderful people I've met through my blog. xoxo

**31w5d**

How many weeks? I am almost 32 weeks but I wanted to do an update! I am 31 weeks and 5 days. Only 8 more weeks to go!

How big is baby? A normal sized baby is a little over 3 pounds and about 16 inches long. I of course seem to be carrying a big boy. According to fundal height (which is outside measurement) baby measures 4 weeks ahead. The above picture shows a 3 pound pumpkin.

How are you feeling today? As usual tired. I don't sleep well at night at all. If my anxiety calms down and I can sleep then of course I have to pee. So I feel rather sluggish most days.

Any Symptoms? Terrible heartburn. I have bad acid reflux and up until now it's been o.k. with out any medicine. Just watching what I eat and drinking milk to neutralize the acids has kept it under control. Now it's back with a vengeance. I have even gotten sick from how much acid is in my tummy. It's probably time to take my medicine again which is approved for pregnancy anyways. A weird symptom I have this time is every time I stand up I feel like my insides will fall out. It's rather painful and of course makes me feel like I am going to pee my pants. I am not sure what it is though. I just know when it happens, which is often, it sucks!

Milestones? I was so happy to reach 30 weeks. I feel like once that 3 is in front this is real and the baby is coming soon.

Appointments? I now go to regular appointments every two weeks. My next one is this Thursday. I will also be getting ultrasounds every 3 weeks to monitor babies growth. So on the 7th Pumpkin has a growth check. If he is way too big he might get an early eviction notice. I just don't want it to be too early.

Positive thing about this pregnancy? Giving Aiden a little brother to play with. He knows there is a baby in my belly. He doesn't quit get this baby will come out though and will be his little brother. I hope they love each other very much forever and ever.

Baby names? Dare I say Blake Alexander is the winner? 

Purchases? Let's just say this baby has more clothes then he could ever possibly wear. He also has enough gear to fill a whole house. My mother, grandma, and I may have went a bit overboard. The good thing is everything that had to be bought is. So now I can just shop for things I find cute as I go along.

Darkness Falls

Night time is always the hardest time of day. It's when the world seems to be still and everyone is in a deep, peaceful sleep. This is the hardest, most loneliest time for the bereaved mother. Alone in her thoughts wishing she could just get some rest. Staring at the clock every hour knowing she know only has 6...4...2...0...more hours to sleep before work. Then it's time to get up and push through the day.

I have been having an awful time sleeping again. Not that I ever slept much but there was a few months that I found I was getting a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. Now the thoughts of Gavin and the day he died play over and over in my head so much that I get sick. I can be having a pretty decent night and get to the point where I am drifting off but as soon as I hit the bed I am wide awake. All I can think about is my lifeless baby and trying to revive him. I replay all the thoughts in my head from that day and I can remember every detail. I am one tortured soul right now and am not sure how much longer this can go on. I would like to think that one can not feel such powerful sadness and heartache for the rest of their lives but I am beginning to think that I can. In 10 weeks I will have a little baby who will need a happy mommy. I am hoping the joy of having him here with overpower the repetitive thoughts of my son's death. I don't ever want to forget about Gavin but if I could erase the day he died from my memory I would.

I know a lot of these repetitive thoughts stem from my anxiety not being treated while pregnant. My Dr. is willing to meet me at the hospital once I deliver to start my meds again. I am hoping I won't need them but I am not to proud to admit I do. I know I will never ever stop grieving for my beautiful Gavin but I can't imagine the self torture that's going on right now is a healthy way to grieve. For the rest of my life I will wish Gavin was here, I will talk to him, hold him in my heart and stare helplessly at his pictures. I just do not want to be the most miserable girl on earth anymore. For a while I was able to see a light at the end of the tunnel but that light has faded and I feel so lost.

Don't judge a book by it's cover

I thank God for my family right now. I am blessed to have my mother, father(step but really he is my father), brother, sister and grandmother. They have the best idea (besides Brad) of what I am going through. I can spend time with them knowing if I need to cry I can. People IRL are hard to deal with. They often say things which they think are comforting but to a bereaved mother they sting.  They expect that my wounds have closed and while I still love Gavin I have moved on. No matter how many times you try to express to them that you are still very sad they don't get it and they can't. To them I am working, going places, having a new baby and all that seems to be a sign of moving on.  While I may be able to function better then before I am still grieving the whole time. Believe me I don't want anyone to feel the level of pain a bereaved mother feels. I would rather they think that I am o.k. then to ever have to walk a day in my shoes. It just is pretty lonely here in this bereaved world. I am not the same person and I see life much differently then the normal person.

Going shopping for baby Pumpkin is bittersweet. I find myself drawn to the baby section again which was a place that brought on much grief after the death of my son. I avoided that area of a store like the plague. It was like those baby items were placed there just to bring me pain. The worst was around Christmas time. I should have been buying things for Gavin's 1st Christmas instead I was dreading the holiday that was fast approaching. I had to shop for Aiden though so I drew up some courage and went to brave the crowds. It was what is called "Black Friday" which is the day after Thanksgiving and stores have turned this in to it's own holiday. Everything is on sale and stores open earlier each year. Brad and I went to Toys 'R' Us first. Big mistake. The store was packed and chaotic. I made my way over to Aiden's clothing size whixh was right next to the newborns. At first I was doing o.k. until something that Gavin had caught my eye. That's all it took for me to have a complete meltdown. Amongst all the happy shoppers I stood crying. Some ladies gave me the side eye but probably figured I couldn't find something I wanted and thankfully kept walking.

Now I dart for the baby isle again trying to find whatever it is I think Pumpkin "needs." I still carry the pain in my heart the whole time. I have still started to cry when I come across something that was bought for Gavin. I guess I am so quick to run for the baby things because I never thought I would be there again. My excitement for Pumpkin takes over during those times and helps me through the shopping. I know some find it very hard to shop after a loss for another baby. To me it helps make Pumpkin more real and lets me think of him as a living, breathing baby.

It's crazy the thinking that goes in to simple things such as shopping trips after you lose a child.  A mother can go through her day without thinking twice about many tasks she is doing. The bereaved mother may have to plan a week ahead before being able to enter a grocery store she once went to with her child. I carry Gavin in my heart everywhere I go. To others I am "normal" again and even happy. I know the truth though.

Where is your other baby??

I am a terrible blogger latley I am so sorry! Between chasing Aiden around all by myself, (Brad works 2 jobs now plus OT) plus working full time, preparing for baby and getting the house in order I have no time to write. I am going to make more time though because I need it!

Today I am 28w3d pregnant, which means I am in the 3rd Trimester! I can't believe I have made it this far. I had some troubles in the beginning with spotting and such but it all turned out to be nothing (Thank God). Now here me and baby Pumpkin are still chugging along. I am so glad he has stuck with me and I hope I can see him grow old, have babies and do all the things he is supposed to do. I want nothing more in life then for my children to be safe and healthy. I wanted that for Gavin too. I can't believe he won't be here with his brother.
It's very hard when you are pregnant again because people (strangers) have a lot of questions. They always want to know if this is your first, if it's not then when did you have your first, or how old is he etc. If I am just asked things like If this is my first I can respond with a quick "no" and try to keep it moving. If we get to the when was my other baby born then I respond with his birthday. It's when they get to his age that I don't know what to say. I don't always feel like explaining my situation but I don't want to lie about my sweet boy either. I am not ashamed of him and would tell the whole world about him if I could. People's reactions hold me back though. I often just say my son passed away last year and they drop it. The nosey ones ask why and how? Which I tell them and then they have this brief look of dispair. Followed by a huge smile and something like "well at least you are having another or good luck with this baby." I have heard it all.

Last week a rather rude lady asked me if I was due any day now. To which I responded "No, not until October." Her response was "OMG there is something in the water latley because all pregnant women are HUGE!" Now I have not even gained that much and really it is all in my belly. Even if it wasn't why would you be so damn rude? Well it didn't stop there. She then went on about how every pregnant woman she sees is way bigger then she ever was. Which mind you this lady was no small thing, in fact I was only bigger then her in the belly and maybe butt. Then she asked "Well do you have any other kids?" I said "My first was born in April 2010." She then got an even crazier look on her face because my kids would be so close in age. I walked away from her but heard her say "Well at least they will be best friends." That line hurt the most. I wish my sons could be best friends I would give my life for it.

I was asked several times last week about my pregnancy and other kids. The other times weren't as bad but they all hurt. People do not ever expect you to say "My other child died." Mother's never expect one of their children to die. There is no book on how to handle this and maybe I should think of a line that will make people back off. I don't mind ever talking about Gavin but I don't feel like being quizzed on his death. After all I went through last week with that nonsense I decided to go sit with my Gavin and talk to him. The universe is clearly trying to tell me he wanted me to. So I went to sit with my son at his grave and ask him how he felt about this baby. I explained to him how much I love him and that this baby is not his replacement. He is unreplaceable and I hope he knows that.

Being pregnant after the death of a child is the biggest emotional rollercoaster you could ever ride. Grief and joy are usually not felt together but in this situation they go hand in hand. I have struggled a lot through this pregnancy but there has been a lot of happiness too. I just hope that Gavin knows I love him with my whole being and will wish he was here for the rest of my life. I hope Pumpkin knows I love him in the same way and even if I am sad I am still happy about him. No mother should have to feel this way but I am learning to work with my situation. Pray for my strength or send me good vibes in the next few months, I am going to need it.

I'm A Failure

I miss my son. I am going crazy I think and I just really miss my baby. Everywhere I look lately there is some sort of SIDS warning in my face. The internet, T.V., my magazines and it all makes me feel like the shittiest mother alive. Gavin died of staph and ecoli pneumonia but while he was asleep. So it makes me feel like I did something wrong still. I am filled with guilt over my baby being gone and I am still here. I can't even sleep at night I am so sick about it. How will I ever survive with another newborn?

I suppose I will never sleep or take my eyes off of him that's how. Or perhaps put him in a bubble and never let anyone in my house. Then there's the issue of going back to work. I know that I am never going to want to leave this baby. If I can not stare at him for his first few months alive (hell his first 20 years alive) and know he is o.k. freak outs will ensue. So I am thinking about doing childcare from my home. I am certified in everything and have taken some child classes in college. Besides raised my step baby and have babysat children since age 12. Out of all those kids I kept alive I couldn't do it for my own. I will leave that part out when writing my ad of course.

I miss Gavin and life with him here now seems like a fairytale. If my baby was here everything would be perfect and the majority of this worry would never cross my mind. I miss you Gavin, I hope where you are you are happy and safe. I am sorry I failed you.

Smiling through the tears

I am sorry I have been neglecting writing. I really have a lot to say but am at a loss for time. The second year continues to go on and somehow so do I. I will tell you this dear friends who I may have scared the other day. While the pain is just as unbearable as ever it's not as constant as it once was. I have found I can smile, laugh and joke again. I can be care free sometimes and just go with the moment. I always go back to thinking about Gavin but for that brief time I am able to let myself go. He is of course is always, always on my mind and the fact that he is not here does not suck any less. I just wanted to give some of you that glimmer of hope I so desperately longed for. I never want to stop hurting for my boy but I want to be able to live a bit.

My sweet step baby helps with that a lot. He is so young and so carefree it's hard not to follow his lead. He knows nothing about hurt yet and I hope he never does. Although I know that won't happen. I can pray that he will never know hurt like I have though. He is such a loveable little guy and can make me smile through my tears. I am very lucky to have him in my life.

I hope all of you ladies can feel a little bit of pleasure again, even if for a second. We all have experienced enough pain.