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Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Here Comes The Hurtful Days...

...I mean Holidays.

Let me start out by sending love to all my grieving parents. I know how hard this time of year is.

First the hard days start (for my anyways) with Halloween. I am sure I have told this story on here before. I will tell it again anyways. It was just a few weeks shy of Halloween when Brad and I found out we were expecting Gavin. I was nervous, excited and filled with many emotions. I wanted to call my mom right away and tell her. She is my best friend and I tell her everything. I wanted to let it all absorb in first though too. It killed me every time I talked to her to not say anything. A week later we took my step son to a pumpkin patch and to one of our favorite diner's after. That diner is next door to where I later had my baby shower, a beautiful Hall named Michael's.

As we ate I watched how much joy my step son brought to my family. I couldn't wait any longer to tell them we would now have another baby to love on. I just wasn't sure how. We went back to my parent's after lunch and I grinned stupidly while thinking of my secret. My mom finally said "What's up with you? Tell me?" I said "How about you guess?" She said some silly things and then said "You're pregnant!?" I blurted out "Yes." It felt so good to finally let her know. She cried and hugged me. Then told my step-dad who got overwhelmed and puked. He apologized after and we laughed at him. He said he was very excited but that caught him off guard. Next we told my brother and sister who were so thrilled to have a niece or nephew on the way.

Usually for Halloween I would be out somewhere drinking, dancing and dressed like some skanky version of a girl from a fairy tale. That year I stayed home, handed out candy and talked to the tiny baby in my belly.

Never would I have thought that would be my baby's only Halloween.

I held up appearances this year and got Blake all excited for the first year that he sort of understood what was going on. I had a great time with my little family and friends. My mind couldn't help but wonder how different things would be if my sweet boy were here.

Now for your viewing pleasure, here is my little Frankenstein:


  1. Steph - I think the relentlessness of it all is bloody awful - this sort of annual cycle of stressful crap that seems to never end. I think every year has got a little easier for me. I try and focus on what we have, which is a lot, whilst acknowleging that our losses are HUGE and we are carrying them. You are doing so brilliantly, and giving Blake the happy childhood he deserves. Keep going xx

    1. Thanks for such kind words Susan. I agree that each year does get a little easier. The part that always pulls me back is the two friends I often talk about, with the two boys that are Gavin's (should be) age. I saw the one dressed up for Halloween and it hurt me when I didn't think it would. xxx