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Thursday, April 19, 2012

I Am Over Everything And Everybody

It all start when I was at Babies 'R' Us shopping for Blake. The place was filled with pregnant women doing their registries. All of a sudden it was like Gavin's death hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember being in that chair, so excited to make out our list. I just sat there like time was frozen still as I stared at all the happy mommies. I held it all in, which was so hard and then cried when I got to the car. I had a beautiful baby shower once too ya know. No one came expecting my baby would die. We ate, played games and talked about what my baby boy would look like. Everyone there was so excited to meet him. About 75% of them never got to.

Then I get this fb message from a friend who is not to swift: Hi Steph! I wanted to tell you I love seeing pics of Gavin but when I do I get sad and I know you do too. I love you and am sorry that happened to you. However you have a beautiful baby now and I wish I was you. Yes, you read that right. She wishes she was me. It took everything in me to not respond with are you effing kidding me:? What was she getting at anyways? That I shouldn't share his pictures because they make her sad? Well guess what while you may be sad for only a moment when you see his pictures, I am sad for the rest of my fucking life. She never even met Gavin or attempted to. She dropped by his funeral like it was a casual get together and I have never heard again from her until a week before this message. She wants to meet Blake. I loved this girl as a friend and would have never abandoned her during the time she needed me most. What should I do? Forget everything that has happened, hide all Gavin's pictures and invite her over? Not! That is not going to happen.Sure she can come meet Blake and maybe she can apologize for what a shitty friend she has been. Although I highly doubt any of that will happen.

On top of all of this I can't tell you how many people I know just had their second baby or are getting ready to. Of course I am happy for them but I just want to belong with them. I want my two kids here. I don't want to be the bereaved mother. Why fucking me, why?

Gavin's birthday draws closer and closer and I think with each day I am getting crazier.

4 comments:

  1. I am so sorry. I hate when things like that happen in stores. Especially when I can't hold it together until I get to the car. ((Hugs))

    As for your "friend," that was a really mean text. Did she think that would make you feel better? I would have totally taken it the way you did. People just do NOT understand that a new baby...yes, can make you happy...but in NO way replaces another child (my family still says things like...Teague should make you happy now...its very frustrating!!)

    I'm sorry things are tough right now - I hope that things get a little easier in dealing with this loss. I am definitely thinking of you as Gavin's birthday gets closer :(

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  2. People are just dumb! :( Im amazed at things people say on a daily basis.

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  3. Wow that was really stupid of your friend, I am thinking of you and Gavin.xo

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  4. FFS - yes, I think people wish it hadn't happened and want to pretend it didn't. Then I think they think... if I was Stephanie, I would want to focus on Blake... the rest is history. I dither between wanting to tell people to bugger off and just accepting that most people don't get it - and I would be arguing on every front if I argued with everyone who didn't.

    It isn't easy. It could be worse. I wish it was better. Much love to you x

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