My heart aches as Gavin's birthday approaches. It isn't until April 28th but I can't help but think of the fact that I should have an almost two year old. What would my baby look like by now? What words would he say? What would his voice sound like? What would his favorite toys be? Bed time stories? Food? I don't know the answers to any of these questions and it pains me so.
One question I can answer is: What would my life be like? Happy, Beautiful, Care Free, Normal. Sure I would have the small stresses of life: bills, work, rude people. Those stresses that once seemed so bothersome are now so stupid.
I just want my son back. I want my baby that I had all these hopes and dreams for. For some reason the same day keeps playing in my head. It was a beautiful day out. Gavin and I had been lounging on the couch all day with the windows open. The beautiful smell of spring filled the air. I decided to take a quick walk with my baby before daddy got home. As I took my baby to his room to change him I asked my boy "You will always love mommy right? You won't grow up and get big and leave me?" He smiled and cooed at me. I often make up songs for my babies so I sang " Mommy and Gavin will be best friends forever, best friends forever, best friends forever.."
Now I wish he could grow up, get big and leave the nest someday. Not lie in a grave where I will have to visit him forever.