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Thursday, January 24, 2013

What Ifs and Whys?

Today is a what if  and why kind of day. The kind where I say what if Gavin had lived. Why does this have to be my life? I started going to therapy. My therapist is VERY religious. I have struggled with that part since Gavin died. Do I believe in God still? Yes. Am I angry with him? Yes. Do I realize my anger may be misplaced and it may be time to let go? Kind of.

My therapist has been working with me on not being angry with God and the Dr's,/Nurses who caused me all this pain. He wants me to give my pain and anger up to God. He has not had a child die. He does not realize I can sit in his office and hold his hand, pray, while agreeing I am going to give that anger away. Then then next day I see my friend with her two kids the ages mine should be and that anger takes over me faster then I can handle. He has asked if I have sought legal help. Which yes, at one point I did. Once I got in to it with my lawyer and realized all it entailed I stopped answering his emails. I didn't want to be badgered with questions. I wanted answers. I didn't want a monetary reward. I wanted to look those "medical professionals" in the face and let them know how they took my life away. How their carelessness left a broken family behind. How not only do Brad and I suffer but my entire family who loved Gavin so much. Who prepared for his birth since the day they found out I was pregnant, who loved him before we knew him, who sat by him every single day and night in the NICU. A mother who never put her baby down was know left with a broken heart and empty arms.

What if  the first Dr listened to me when I said I was going in to labor early. Maybe I would have never had to. Or when I begged for a c-section my son wouldn't have swallowed his meconium. Maybe he wouldn't have been in the NICU long. He wouldn't have caught any diseases and he would be running around right now like he should be. Like other mothers get to experience. Instead he never saw two months and I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I am mad. Today I am having one of those life fucking sucks days.

That's right I fucking hate this life. I want my old one back. It may not have been perfect but there wasn't pain and misery beyond my control. If something was wrong I could fix it. I don't mean I want to have never had Gavin. I would never take that back. I just want to go back knowing what I know now and save him. I want my baby here and I deserve that.

I guess I thought I came such a long way after my last session and today I feel like absolute shit. Will the rest of my life be this way? Why do I have to have this life? After my first session that is all I did was cry to my family uncontrollably. Asking why did this have to be MY life? No one has an answer for that. I can not do this much longer. I am regressing terribly but not letting anyone know.

I just have to come to terms with this is my life and figure out how do I go on the next X amount of years while staying sane? I miss my baby bad today. Today is a shit day.


  1. Steph,
    I wish so much that we were closer so that we could go for a walk and bitch together. I feel your pain, you are one hundred percent right to feel cheated out of the life and loveypu deserve. Gavin was cheated out of a life that he deserved. I feel the same way. All that we can now is honor pur children thruway they should be. You are doing that each day by just living. It is so hard to let go on the anger. I. Know that once Isaidthe words put loud that I forgive you God, it took some pressure off of me. I still hate what happened but the anger just holds me down. It is a hard road ahead but Gavin is holding your hand the whole way.

  2. It's seven in the morning here, Severus is finally having a good sleep. I should be sleeping, Ive waited all week for his one good sleep. I am so tired but instead when my head hits the pillow the nightmare begins once again, the past that I once again relive and slowly scrutinize. I wish I could turn it off but the "why?" will always be there and that in turn brings frustration and anger with it. It will always be like this, I hate them, I hate the world today for taking my child, my ache for him is strong.The pain will always be there welling up and threatening to take me over completely.Sometimes so close to insanity.I want to live with it. I want to feel the fire. It will keep him with me. I dont want to numb it. I dont ever want to accept. I dont ever want to let it go. I will always be his dragon mother. I miss my son. I should be is a shit day, and thats ok...