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Monday, August 19, 2013

Searching For Stephanie

When I was in my teens and twenties I was a happy girl. The life of the party. Out every weekend, hitting up all the music festivals, art shows, club nights, events in Toronto and patiently waiting for the weekend where I could let loose and dance my cares away to my favorite DJ.

As I got to be about 23 I started to get burned out on that life. My heart was set on settling down and becoming a mom. When I went shopping I was drawn to to the baby clothes. Names of future children passed through my head as I pictured them in those adorable outfits. Since I was a small girl all I wanted to be was a mom. I have always had a lot of love and patience for children that others took notice to. I loved babysitting and helping out with my younger siblings. The innocence of the young and purity of their hearts captivated me. I always knew I would be a mom.

.....Never in my worst nightmare did I think I would be a bereaved mom. I will say I did know something in my life wouldn't go as planned. I constantly had nightmares, many of them involved the death of my mother. I would wake up, tears streaming down my face, sometimes my own screams would actually make me jump out of bed. Who knows if they had any connection or were trying to warn me of Gavin's death but they were awful. Not as awful of what was to come of course.

Now here I am still in my twenties. Long gone are the days of being the life of the party, the weekend trips and the countless festivals. Long gone are the dreams of having the perfect life, with all of my kids and I.

Don't get me wrong Blake brings me immense joy. I don't know what I would do with out him.

I just want Stephanie back. That happy girl people loved to be around. The one always pulling pranks, telling jokes and making others smile. I miss her so very much. I know a lot of other people do too as I have been told numerous times. I've come to terms with the fact that she is not coming back. I just wish everyone else would...

<3 Gavin <3

1 comment:

  1. Steph,

    I can so relate to what you wrote. It is so hard to know who you are after a tragedy such ad the loss of a child. Am I going to be sad forever? Am I ever going to be the person that I used to be? Be kind to yourself and love yourself for the strong, amazing mother that you are.

    Thinking of you,