Happy Birthday Gavin (late for a reason)

As my luck would have it I just got home from surgery a few days ago. It all started 2 Sundays ago. I woke up in the middle of the night with this annoying pain in my belly. I had been feeling off for weeks but wasn't sure why. This time the sick feeling wasn't going away. I really wanted to go to the E.R. as it got worse and I started to get really sick. The momma in me didn't want to wake Blake though or leave him for long so I waited until morning and called my primary. She got me in right away thank God. After a quick examination she sent me to the E.R. located in the same building as her office. She had the same thoughts as I did. My gallbladder was sick and needed out. The E.R. confirmed this but for some odd reason sent me home. They are just a small place where surgery doesn't take place but they do then transfer if it's needed.

At home things got worse and worse. My family wanted me to call my Dr. (This is now Tuesday night) on call. By this time my blood work was in. It showed my white blood cells were high and potassium dangerously low. She advised me to go right to the hospital. This E.R. admitted me right away after a few tests. It took ten hours to get to my room. Let's just say my first neighbor was not very classy. She was practically naked, very loud and would use her commode in front of me. Why she had one when she could walk fine I don't know but it was gross. She thankfully was discharged the next morning.

This is when the surgeons started to talk to me. They knew my gallbladder needed out but were afraid I had a stone somewhere. That would require a procedure before surgery. From Tuesday until Friday I was not allowed to drink or eat as I was given MRI's, x-rays and ultrasounds. Finally Friday morning the surgeons decided it was best just to take out my gallbladder. At this point I was so sick and thirsty I was glad to see an end in sight. Afterwards not so glad as I learned I had a very rough surgery and I was in crazy pain. My gallbladder was "bigger then the surgeon's head and had to be ripped out." After a few more awful days in the hospital I was finally discharged late Monday night. This was the worst experience I ever had nurse wise in the hospital and was so glad to come home to my baby.

What I was not happy about was missing Gavin's birthday. I had all these plans and decorations which were all stopped by my stupid body. I did cry for Gavin in the hospital and brought his picture but it wasn't the same. This weekend my family and I will go to his grave to celebrate with him and grieve for him. Brad and I will also go by ourselves. One family member did let it slip that they went but I was glad they did. I never want him to be alone on his birthday.

I saw your comments through my phone and thank you for them. Ashley I cried reading yours. I am so, so happy your beautiful family also celebrated with him by letting balloons go. It means the world to me. I also received a beautiful card from all the girls on my message board (not the bereaved one). I must admit I haven't been able to go through it all because when I cry really hard my staples pull. I will read it all, it is such a beautiful card.

Gavin I miss you so much my baby. I can't believe you should be two. I should be watching you walk, talk and grow. I love you, my heart aches for you and mommy will never be whole. I really, really, miss you my baby. Happy Birthday baby I love you so much.

Blake's 1st Easter

Holiday's suck for the bereaved mom. Even if she has other children there is still one stocking, still one place mat, still one basket missing. No matter how sad she is she has to hold it in so the other children don't have a bad time. If I have to cry on holidays I do so quietly in the other room. My brother, sister, two first cousins and step baby are all young. I do not want anyone fussing over me, I want it to be about the kids like it should be.

Easter wasn't bad though. I think since I had been sad the whole month of May knowing April was coming, then sad up until Easter my brain finally let me be content for a while. Of course Blake has no clue what Easter is but I pretended he did anyways. I hid his basket the night before then the next morning we looked all over the house for it. I sat him in his bumbo and gave him his plush bunny basket filled with toys. I also bought him some clothes but those don't quite fit in the Easter basket. Anyways, more then anything he was more interested in eating the grass.

Then Aiden came over and he is finally getting in to this holiday stuff. Heck if he knows he's getting candy and toys he's in. After that we went to grandma's (my mom) for dinner and the boys got spoiled all over again. I swear I really do need a second home for all the stuff these kids get. My family was always really big into holidays and love getting the kids everything they want.

All in all it was a good day.After we got the kids to bed, I sat outside looking for my Gavin star but the clouds were covering him.I sent him all my love anyways and talked with him for a while. After that I sat for a bit by myself and mourned what should of been.

I Am Over Everything And Everybody

It all start when I was at Babies 'R' Us shopping for Blake. The place was filled with pregnant women doing their registries. All of a sudden it was like Gavin's death hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember being in that chair, so excited to make out our list. I just sat there like time was frozen still as I stared at all the happy mommies. I held it all in, which was so hard and then cried when I got to the car. I had a beautiful baby shower once too ya know. No one came expecting my baby would die. We ate, played games and talked about what my baby boy would look like. Everyone there was so excited to meet him. About 75% of them never got to.

Then I get this fb message from a friend who is not to swift: Hi Steph! I wanted to tell you I love seeing pics of Gavin but when I do I get sad and I know you do too. I love you and am sorry that happened to you. However you have a beautiful baby now and I wish I was you. Yes, you read that right. She wishes she was me. It took everything in me to not respond with are you effing kidding me:? What was she getting at anyways? That I shouldn't share his pictures because they make her sad? Well guess what while you may be sad for only a moment when you see his pictures, I am sad for the rest of my fucking life. She never even met Gavin or attempted to. She dropped by his funeral like it was a casual get together and I have never heard again from her until a week before this message. She wants to meet Blake. I loved this girl as a friend and would have never abandoned her during the time she needed me most. What should I do? Forget everything that has happened, hide all Gavin's pictures and invite her over? Not! That is not going to happen.Sure she can come meet Blake and maybe she can apologize for what a shitty friend she has been. Although I highly doubt any of that will happen.

On top of all of this I can't tell you how many people I know just had their second baby or are getting ready to. Of course I am happy for them but I just want to belong with them. I want my two kids here. I don't want to be the bereaved mother. Why fucking me, why?

Gavin's birthday draws closer and closer and I think with each day I am getting crazier.

To Susan

Susan,
 Sweet, beautiful, Catherine did exist. She still does in fact. Her presence is all around you. Every day she is watching over her sister, mommy and daddy. Her wishes are that her momma's heart will heal. While she longs to be with you she knows one day you will all be together again.

 There are a lot of ignorant people out there. Sometimes it's a stranger, sometimes it's a family member. They don't understand that our hearts will never be complete and we will never stop longing for our child. Ignore them. You are doing a great job mothering her from earth and keeping her memory alive. She now lives through you and you are making sure she is still very much here.

 I wish we didn't have to meet under theses circumstances. I wish we met on a mother's board some where talking about all of our children alive and well. Life is so unfair and I am so sorry people who should be supporting you are not. However, I am glad we met because you and I can almost always relate to one another. You have given me some of the best support and kindest words when I needed them the most. I will always be here to listen and give you all the support I can from so far away.

 I wish your sweet Catherine was alive and all your pain would go away. I am so sorry for all the awful things you had to go through so close to and on her angelversary. You had enough on you plate and didn't need that at all. You are strong momma and are doing a great job mothering both of you girls. I am always thinking of you, Catherine and Miss Maddy.

Sending you so much love and peace,

Stephanie xoxo

Keeping Gavin Alive

All April I have been sharing pictures of Gavin on my Facebook that I have never posted before. By doing this I feel I am reminding people he was here and am helping to keep his memory alive.. The other day Blake was in his Bumbo seat as we played in his room. When I looked at him I realized the seat and his clothes matched the colors of the outfit and bib Gavin was wearing the night before he died.

So being the very amateur photographer I am, I decided to take some pictures. I plan on doing some nicer ones and almost brought a photo with us to Blake's shoot yesterday. He is still so antsy that it is hard enough to get a picture of just him. I think the ones I took by myself so far came out o.k. though. The second one is my favorite. I also thought of another idea. On my blog I am going to post a picture or two of Gavin every day he was alive. From his birthday April 28th until the day I lost my sweet boy June 1st.

So here they are the only pictures I will ever get of my boys together:

Happy Birthday Beckett!

Happy 2nd birthday Beckett! I hope the angels are throwing an amazing party for an amzing and beautiful boy! I know your momma, daddy, brothers and sisters wish you were here to celebrate with them. If only I could grant them that wish. You will all be together again one day baby boy. Until then watch over your beatiful family. I am sending love to you sweet angel. I hope my angel Gavin is up there giving you a big hug and celebrating with you.

Ashley-I have been thinking and praying for you all day. I wish I could reach out and hug you. In 21 days I will be going through the same thing. Birthdays are so hard because all we think about is what could have/ should have been. I will continue to pray for your strength. Sending you tons of love and hugs.

P.S. I lit those two candles and had them going while I wished Beckett a Happy Birthday. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo                                                                                                                                              

The Walls Are Closing In

The walls have been closing in for a long time now but today it feels like I only have inches left before they shut on me. Today is April 1st the month my baby was born. Two years ago I was so excited for my new life with my son and he was all I thought about. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I sat at work writing names that I liked on paper. I scoured the internet for the items with the best reviews so he would always be safe. Every weekend I was shopping, buying him new things and imagining the days when he would actually use them. My biggest worries were what we would have for dinner and what outfit my son would come home in.

This morning I woke up and wished I hadn't. I of course never want to leave Blake but some days are so hard I wonder how I will survive another moment. I have been crying so much today my face is puffy. I let out a wail from the other room at one point, where I was trying to hide out and Brad ran in afraid something was wrong. After he saw no one was hurt or anything he just held me knowing what those tears were for.

I miss my son and I just want him back.