Until We Meet Again

I'm going to start writing poems again. I want to express my love, sorrow, happiness and pain for my boys through words. Today I am going to cheat and share a quote I really like by an unknown author.

"They say that time in Heaven is compared to "the blink of an eye" for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is doing that when he looks behind him, I'll already be there."

I want more then anything for this to be true. I hope by the time my sweet angel looks for me I will be right there by his side. <3 Love you Gavin. Each day I think of you and I hope you know that my sweet boy.

Blake's Hospital Scare

The Monday before Thanksgiving Blake woke up screaming. He was up all night and inconsolable. At about 6 am he finally fell back asleep but that was short lived. At this point he started feeling hot so I took his temperature, it was 99.9. Which I know isn't very high but I knew something wasn't right. I called my grandma and asked her to come over. I then called my pediatrician but learned she was on vacation. So my only option was to bring him to the nurse practitioner who I already knew was a complete idiot. Blake and I go to the same doctor's office. When my doctor was out I had to see that N.P. before and she was a real jerk.

I thought maybe she would be better with babies and after all I had to take him somewhere. At the doctor's office my poor baby screamed the whole time. He was obviously in pain, any person with half a brain could tell that. So in comes Nurse jackass. She takes Blake's temperature which was 100.1 now, looks him over briefly and then tells me "Oh he's fine. I think he's just a fussy baby." Now she knows about Gavin's death so I think she automatically dismissed me as an overly nervous mother. I explained to her that Blake is not a fussy baby, in fact he's a happy baby and I know something is wrong. I pleaded with her to look him over more but she told me to go home and call back if the fever got any higher.

When I got home I gave Blake a cool bath, put him in just a onesie and rocked him back to sleep. As he was sleeping I felt him getting warmer and warmer. I called Brad to take his temp and as I watched it rise past 102 and end a little over 103 I almost threw up. I called me mom who rushed over and her best friend who is a nurse. I didn't want to take him to the hospital. Not because I am selfish but because I was afraid he wouldn't come back out. Once my mom's friend told me to take him we immediately packed his stuff and left.

In the exam room I had to sit there helpless as they poked and prodded at my baby. I was crying so hard I could barely speak but had to pull it together to answer the nurses questions. The only thing that calmed me down was Blake was fascinated by the bright light. He stopped crying and was cooing at it. Next the nurses told me we needed to go to the PICU for some testing. They sat us in a room and told me my son would need a full workup which included a spinal tap. I thought I would die right then. I cried so hard I almost puked. I squeezed my son and kept telling Brad and my mom let's just run out of there. All I kept picturing was my dying son Gavin on his hospital bed. I am not quite sure how I survived Gavin's death but surely I would not survive if it happened again.

Luckily I had really amazing doctors and nurses. As I held Blake tight the doctor asked me if I was religious. When I said yes she asked if we could pray together. She hugged Blake and I as she said a prayer that he would be o.k. Then they took Blake into the room where he would get all his tests done. I wanted to go but they warned me not to. So instead I sat outside the door hysterical, helpless as my son cried harder then he ever had before.

While in the hospital Blake was given two kinds of antibiotics that would basically kill anything he might have. We were there for four days and I didn't sleep more then a few minutes at a time when others were there. My baby was sick and he needed his mama's snuggles. Thursday morning was Thanksgiving. I really wanted to be out for Blake's first holiday. Most importantly I wanted to know he was healthy. It seemed forever for the Dr. to come in. When he did he gave us the most wonderful news. Blake did not have anything serious just a little virus. He then gave us the o.k. to go home and spend the holiday with our family.

Thanksgiving was very special this year. Not only did I have Blake to celebrate with but he was healthy too! I think Gavin watched out for his brother those few days. Actually I know he is always watching out for him. Blake is a lucky boy he has the most beautiful guardian angel in the world.

My heart still hurts for Gavin everyday and it hurts even more that Blake will never know his brother. I cam acorss this quote the other day and it brought me some comfort. I hope it does the same for all you other bereaved parents.

They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye'
for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child
running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and
butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is
doing that when he looks behind him, I'll already be there."

 

 

 

Blake's Homecoming and 1st Halloween

Ok I hope I'm not killing you guys with these pictures! If I am let me know. I just can't get enough of my little mansie so I take a ton of pictures. I wanted to pop in and share Blake's first days at home/first Halloween.

Before we brought Blake home I was very curious about how Aiden would react to him. Some days Aiden would rub and kiss my belly, or put his lips to my bump and say "Hi Baby!" Others he would tell me "No baby brother, that's Aiden's room!" (talking about the nursery, I guess he felt entitled to 2 rooms) So I wasn't quite sure how Aiden would feel now that he wasn't the baby of the house. He loved Gavin but was only a baby himself then. He also really couldn't take at that point. He did always kiss and hug Gavin. Every morning when I took him out of his crib he'd run to the bassinet, look over the side and yell "Baby!" When Gavin died Aiden was too small to understand. He would still run around the house looking for him. I cried so hard wondering what Aiden was thinking. I hoped Aiden would love Blake just like he did Gavin.

My hopes were right because Aiden loved Blake right from the start. As soon as he was dropped off he ran in to the house full of excitement. He was screaming "Where's my baby?" He then came over to me and said "Let me hold my baby." He kissed him all over and kept calling him "Aiden's baby." He's such a great big brother. Whenever Blake cries he drops what he's doing, runs over, rubs Blake's head and whispers to him "Don't cry Lake, Don't cry baby." He can't say his B's too good yet so he calls him Lake instead.

Brad and I have been doing better then I expected. We are nervous parents but not psychotic like I thought we would be. I actually fall asleep when Blake does. Although I will admit I spend a lot of time watching him breathe or putting my hand on his chest. He's such a good baby and I'm so in love with him. Very strong and smart too. The one picture shows him looking at his light up toy at only a few days old. He's also been able to lift and turn his head from the start.

For Halloween Blake was a puppy. I mostly dressed him up to take pictures. We didn't go anywhere with him since he was still too young. So we stayed home, took pictures, and handed out candy together. All the trick or treaters thought he was the cutest thing. Who could blame them?!

I can't believe how much Gavin and Blake look/act alike. When my 12 year old sister saw Blake for the first time she said "They look the same! I think Gavin came back." She's a very smart little girl. She's always believed Gavin's spirit would come back to us. Like the rest of us she misses my sweet Gavin very much. If you look at the last picture you can see the resemblance. Blake is in the brown outfit and Gavin is in the lower left hand corner. I cried when I took that picture and Blake posed just like his brother.

Sorry for the long winded post. I have a lot to catch up.

*Michelle- Thanks for your number hunny! I will be in touch. I wish you could meet Blake. I would let you hold him all you want!*

Blake Alexander

I'm so sorry I haven't posted in so long. I have so much to share about my amazing boy. I will start with my birth story.
On October 17th I had an appointment with my OB. I knew we were going to talk induction since I was retaining a lot of water which was causing extreme swelling. Every week before I was not dialated and baby was not engaged. The night before that appointment I was having a ton of contractions and was hoping that meant progress. Those contractions did what they were supposed to because finally I was 3cm and baby was in the right position to be born. I thought my OB would schedule the induction for my due date which was the following Monday. Instead he looked at me and said "You're having this baby tomorrow, are you ready?" He then stripped my membranes and called the hospital to set everything up.
I was so excited and nervous at the same time. I was huge, uncomfortable and my body was more then ready. Now I just had to mentally prepare myself and pray for a smooth labor. All that day I had painful, close contractions. Being the stubborn girl I am I tried to ignore them and finish some last minute things. When they got so bad I couldn't talk through them, I decided to call my OB. He instructed me to go to the hospital that night. When I got there of course things started to slow down. The nurses gave me the option of going home for the night so I took it.
Excitement kept me up all night. My house got a good scrub down and I got no sleep. At 5am the contractions were back in full force. After a shower and some phone calls we were off to the hospital. This time I wasn't leaving without a baby.
At the hospital the nurses checked me and I was now dilated to a 4. My body was going in to labor on it's own but they still "induced" me to move things along. Pitocin was then started and boy did it work. I was in a ton of pain and contractions were coming back to back. Thankfully my amazing midwife helped me through the pain. The pressure eventually got to be too much so she broke my water at about 10 am. At that time it was also discovered I had blood in my urine due to my kidneys acting up. Which explained why I was feeling so crappy. At about 12 pm I had all that I could take and was ready for an epidural. This time it worked unlike during labor with Gavin. Speaking of Gavin he's all I thought about. When my midwife told me to picture a happy time all I could picture was him. I cried very hard wishing my baby was here and going to meet his brother soon. She probably thought those tears were from pain but really they were for the life I wished to have.
Since Pitocin was being administered monitors had to be placed internally to better track Blake. The outside ones weren't staying on because my crazy boy was kicking them off. Internal monitors suck and are very uncomfortable. So when they asked to put in another one to track contractions I put up a fight. My midwife kept telling me the monitor was very necessary and I needed to let them insert it. Just then the nurse decided to check me. She all of a sudden shouted "Bloody show! You're at a 10 and ready to push." The problem with that was my epidural was just topped off and this time was very strong. I couldn't feel anything, how could I push? I asked my nurse that very question and she reassured me I could still do it. In rushed some students who were there to observe and my midwife began to prepare everything for Blake's arrival. My mom also come back in since I wanted her there.
With the help of the students, my mom and the nurse my legs were lifted and I pushed. Brad stood off to the side but still watching. He was shaking too much to really help. I don't know how I was pushing since I couldn't feel what was going on. I was doing it though and a good job too, according to my midwife. I felt so helpless in that moment since I couldn't even hold up my own legs. It only took a few pushes and about 20 minutes before Blake was born. I didn't tear at all either which is always a good thing. My midwife said I did have a "scratch" so she gave me a few stitches just to be safe.
When they put that beautiful baby on my chest I burst in to tears. So did Brad and my mom. These were happy tears of course that our beautiful, healthy baby was here. His cries were the most beautiful music. The students were even emotional and kept thanking me for letting them be there. They said I made them excited to have kids one day.
Blake did have a little trouble breathing at first. Which of course scared the crap out of Brad and I. Thankfully it was no big deal and he only had to be watched in the nursery for a few hours. The entire hospital stay I didn't even really take advantage of the nurses. I was so in love with Blake that he stayed with me almost the entire time. I only slept a few hours a night in between late night feedings. It felt so good to have him with me and not have to visit him in the NICU. It felt even better when I got to leave the hospital at the same time as my baby. Which almost didn't happen since Blake looked a little jaundice the last day and had to stay one more night. Thankfully the nurses knew about Gavin and how I didn't want to leave my baby there. They talked to their manager who let me stay an extra night although I was already discharged. I really got great care this time around.
So here he is Blake Alexander born at 3:05 pm on October 18th weighing 7 lbs 13 oz ad 21" long. I have a lot to fill in and my next post will tell all about his first month on earth. I hope you enjoy his hospital pictures and there are many more pictures to come.

Bittersweet October

Last night Brad was in  a rather crappy mood. Truth is he has been a lot lately. He's very scared about something going wrong during birth. He says he will cry in the delivery room and he doesn't like people seeing him that way. I am scared of course but I try to pretend I'm not or else I would be in a straight jacket by now. I also am trying to be the strong one this time. Brad was after Gavin died and now it's my turn to be strong for him. Sometimes I freak myself out really bad though. I want to call the Dr. right then and tell him to take the baby out now while he is alive and well. Thankfully this little guy seems to be in tune with his mama and always kicks away when I start to panic.

So back to Brad's mood. I thought he was just nervous like always so didn't really bother with him too much. He likes to be alone with his thoughts when he is in a crap mood. Through out the night though I knew something was wrong as he clung to me and Aiden. He wanted us all to sit in a tight ball and cuddle all night. Aiden usually is running around like a crazy man but surprisingly he just sat here and cuddled in between us. I asked Brad what was wrong finally after realizing he must be really sad. He reminded me how two years ago we just found out I was pregnant with Gavin. He thinks yesterday might have even been the exact date. I am not sure if it is or not but I know it's close to the day. I could probably go back on my FaceBook and figure it out. I started to yesterday but reading all my happy posts about Gavin made me very depressed.

I was very sick the day I found out about him and had to go to emergency care that day. So I am pretty sure I posted about the awful time I was having. After that a nurse came in and she said "Well I have your tests results." She told me I was severely dehydrated, had pneumonia, a high fever and was positive for pregnancy. I remember I had to ask her to repeat that last part. Who says positive for pregnancy anyways? It makes it sound like a terrible disease. She then said "Because you are pregnant we can only give you IV fluids I will be right back, congratulations!" Brad and I had wanted to have children together. We weren't always careful at that point and we knew what we were doing. So we weren't trying but we weren't not trying either. Since I have had such trouble with periods and things in the past I thought it would take a while. Of course the first time we didn't use protection I got pregnant. Brad kept telling me he had a feeling I was but I swore I had my period the month before. We agreed that I would take a test that weekend, but the emergency care visit took care of that for us. Funny how things work out.

The nurse came back a few minutes later and hooked me up to an IV. I asked her to hand me my phone since I was all by myself there. Brad was working at the time. Well don't you know the spot I was sitting in had no service. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get those bars to appear. So I had to sit there until the IV ran out with no one to talk to. After what seemed like forever I was able to text Brad and let him know. He met me there after work since they ran some more tests to check my levels. We were both in shock but excited at the same time. He kept telling me we were going to have a son. He knew all along that was a little boy growing in my belly. The car ride home we talked about our future and our baby. God, we were so happy then. Our innocence was still there and we thought having a baby meant we would watch him grow up.

The same month I found out about Gavin is the month I will have Blake. How crazy is that? It really is funny how things work out.

A Sign From Gavin

I have always wanted a sign that my baby boy is o.k. Or that he knows how much I love and miss him. Shortly after he died Aiden was in his room laughing and talking. I always felt that was him seeing his brother. Gavin's swing has also went off a few times and some light up decorations have turned on during the night. I like to believe those were my baby. Tonight I saw something that makes me finally believe he can hear me.

I was sitting outside staring at the star that makes me think of him. It's always in the same spot and is always blinking. I started to talk to Gavin like I often do and was hoping that he heard his mama. As soon as I was finished a shooting star went by right next to the blinking one. I believe in signs and I know that was him.

I can't stop crying now. These tears are not all sad but ones of joy mostly. Thank you for letting me  know you are o.k. my baby. I love you Gavin. Tonight when I fall asleep I can feel some peace knowing you can hear me when I talk to you. I miss you my baby and I am so thankful you know that.

Hello October so nice to see you!

I can not believe today is October 1st. I never thought this month would come. This month I am going to have a baby. I really don't know where the time went. It literally feels like yesterday when I finally got a positive pregnancy test. After many negative tests I was beginning to get very worried that something was wrong with me. I began to tell myself that Gavin was a miracle baby and I wasn't ever going to get pregnant again. I have never dealt with fertility issues and I can't imagine how hard that must be. My very irregular periods do make for a tricky time conceiving. I have gone at lest 6 months at a time with out one. I also have very painful periods and started taking birth control very young to help with that. Trying to conceive this baby consisted of temping, trying to track my crazy ovulation and literally doing it every day for months. (Sorry if that's T.M.I.) I just never wanted us to miss a precious ovulation day. So poor Brad was my slave for a while.

Looking back I probably became so obsessed with getting pregnant as a way to give myself something to focus on. I of course wanted to have a baby and have not regretted that decision ever. I just think I went crazy from the get go like this has to happen NOW. I was meant to be a mom though. Not saying I am super mom just saying I love every part of motherhood. Having Gavin was the best thing that ever happened to me and I felt this strong sense of purpose the first time I laid my eyes on him. Then to have that all ripped away left me extremely empty.

So here I am again about to embark on this motherhood journey. I wish I could do it with the innocence of a mom who has never lost a child. That isn't going to happen though and I am going to have to learn to except that. In 23 days (give or take a few) I will have a precious baby in my arms. I really am very excited. I just wish his brother was here to meet him. I will never stop wishing for my boys to be together here on earth. In a perfect world a mother wouldn't have to wish for something like that. In a perfect world a mom would always die before her child. I don't live in a perfect world though.

I just hope the next 23 days can be as perfect as they can be for me. I hope my baby is perfect, healthy and lives a long time after me.