Bittersweet October

Last night Brad was in  a rather crappy mood. Truth is he has been a lot lately. He's very scared about something going wrong during birth. He says he will cry in the delivery room and he doesn't like people seeing him that way. I am scared of course but I try to pretend I'm not or else I would be in a straight jacket by now. I also am trying to be the strong one this time. Brad was after Gavin died and now it's my turn to be strong for him. Sometimes I freak myself out really bad though. I want to call the Dr. right then and tell him to take the baby out now while he is alive and well. Thankfully this little guy seems to be in tune with his mama and always kicks away when I start to panic.

So back to Brad's mood. I thought he was just nervous like always so didn't really bother with him too much. He likes to be alone with his thoughts when he is in a crap mood. Through out the night though I knew something was wrong as he clung to me and Aiden. He wanted us all to sit in a tight ball and cuddle all night. Aiden usually is running around like a crazy man but surprisingly he just sat here and cuddled in between us. I asked Brad what was wrong finally after realizing he must be really sad. He reminded me how two years ago we just found out I was pregnant with Gavin. He thinks yesterday might have even been the exact date. I am not sure if it is or not but I know it's close to the day. I could probably go back on my FaceBook and figure it out. I started to yesterday but reading all my happy posts about Gavin made me very depressed.

I was very sick the day I found out about him and had to go to emergency care that day. So I am pretty sure I posted about the awful time I was having. After that a nurse came in and she said "Well I have your tests results." She told me I was severely dehydrated, had pneumonia, a high fever and was positive for pregnancy. I remember I had to ask her to repeat that last part. Who says positive for pregnancy anyways? It makes it sound like a terrible disease. She then said "Because you are pregnant we can only give you IV fluids I will be right back, congratulations!" Brad and I had wanted to have children together. We weren't always careful at that point and we knew what we were doing. So we weren't trying but we weren't not trying either. Since I have had such trouble with periods and things in the past I thought it would take a while. Of course the first time we didn't use protection I got pregnant. Brad kept telling me he had a feeling I was but I swore I had my period the month before. We agreed that I would take a test that weekend, but the emergency care visit took care of that for us. Funny how things work out.

The nurse came back a few minutes later and hooked me up to an IV. I asked her to hand me my phone since I was all by myself there. Brad was working at the time. Well don't you know the spot I was sitting in had no service. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get those bars to appear. So I had to sit there until the IV ran out with no one to talk to. After what seemed like forever I was able to text Brad and let him know. He met me there after work since they ran some more tests to check my levels. We were both in shock but excited at the same time. He kept telling me we were going to have a son. He knew all along that was a little boy growing in my belly. The car ride home we talked about our future and our baby. God, we were so happy then. Our innocence was still there and we thought having a baby meant we would watch him grow up.

The same month I found out about Gavin is the month I will have Blake. How crazy is that? It really is funny how things work out.

A Sign From Gavin

I have always wanted a sign that my baby boy is o.k. Or that he knows how much I love and miss him. Shortly after he died Aiden was in his room laughing and talking. I always felt that was him seeing his brother. Gavin's swing has also went off a few times and some light up decorations have turned on during the night. I like to believe those were my baby. Tonight I saw something that makes me finally believe he can hear me.

I was sitting outside staring at the star that makes me think of him. It's always in the same spot and is always blinking. I started to talk to Gavin like I often do and was hoping that he heard his mama. As soon as I was finished a shooting star went by right next to the blinking one. I believe in signs and I know that was him.

I can't stop crying now. These tears are not all sad but ones of joy mostly. Thank you for letting me  know you are o.k. my baby. I love you Gavin. Tonight when I fall asleep I can feel some peace knowing you can hear me when I talk to you. I miss you my baby and I am so thankful you know that.

Hello October so nice to see you!

I can not believe today is October 1st. I never thought this month would come. This month I am going to have a baby. I really don't know where the time went. It literally feels like yesterday when I finally got a positive pregnancy test. After many negative tests I was beginning to get very worried that something was wrong with me. I began to tell myself that Gavin was a miracle baby and I wasn't ever going to get pregnant again. I have never dealt with fertility issues and I can't imagine how hard that must be. My very irregular periods do make for a tricky time conceiving. I have gone at lest 6 months at a time with out one. I also have very painful periods and started taking birth control very young to help with that. Trying to conceive this baby consisted of temping, trying to track my crazy ovulation and literally doing it every day for months. (Sorry if that's T.M.I.) I just never wanted us to miss a precious ovulation day. So poor Brad was my slave for a while.

Looking back I probably became so obsessed with getting pregnant as a way to give myself something to focus on. I of course wanted to have a baby and have not regretted that decision ever. I just think I went crazy from the get go like this has to happen NOW. I was meant to be a mom though. Not saying I am super mom just saying I love every part of motherhood. Having Gavin was the best thing that ever happened to me and I felt this strong sense of purpose the first time I laid my eyes on him. Then to have that all ripped away left me extremely empty.

So here I am again about to embark on this motherhood journey. I wish I could do it with the innocence of a mom who has never lost a child. That isn't going to happen though and I am going to have to learn to except that. In 23 days (give or take a few) I will have a precious baby in my arms. I really am very excited. I just wish his brother was here to meet him. I will never stop wishing for my boys to be together here on earth. In a perfect world a mother wouldn't have to wish for something like that. In a perfect world a mom would always die before her child. I don't live in a perfect world though.

I just hope the next 23 days can be as perfect as they can be for me. I hope my baby is perfect, healthy and lives a long time after me.   

M.I.A.

Sorry I have not blogged in forever! I am 36 weeks pregnant today and finally am feeling ready for this baby to come. Well not now but when he's ready. I have pretty much finished the nursery except for wall decorations (I have them but they are not yet hung). All pumpkin's laundry is done, everything is sterilized, both of our bags are packed and my temp at work finally started today. Thankfully she is catching on really fast and I wouldn't be too worried if we only got this week to train. I'm hoping I will have more time with her then that but if I didn't I think she'd do alright.

I am back to having crazy insomnia and also had the worst sinus infection ever last week. I only worked two half days and one full day I was so sick. I literally felt like a truck hit me and the antibiodics made me feel even worse. This week I'm back to feeling a little more normal. The lack of sleep really sucks though. Laying awake in bed at night is when I have my worst anxiety. My brain replays Gavin's death over and over. I still miss him like crazy and think of him every second of the day. I will always be plagued by the what if's and wondering what life would be like with him still here.

I wonder what he would look like, be able to do, what his personality would be and how he would react to his brother. Yesterday I visited his grave. My grandma and I went together. We planted new flowers and put some little pumpkins on the stone. I always talk to him and remind him his brother can never replace him. I hope he hears me and knows how much I mean that. I wonder if I will be the craziest mother ever and worry about every little thing. I already know I will worry more then normal, I just hope I can enjoy my baby.

Michelle-thanks for your comment and thinking of me even though I haven't been blogging. I still think of all of you every day. I promise to make more of an effort to write.  I am so grateful for all of the wonderful people I've met through my blog. xoxo

**31w5d**

How many weeks? I am almost 32 weeks but I wanted to do an update! I am 31 weeks and 5 days. Only 8 more weeks to go!

How big is baby? A normal sized baby is a little over 3 pounds and about 16 inches long. I of course seem to be carrying a big boy. According to fundal height (which is outside measurement) baby measures 4 weeks ahead. The above picture shows a 3 pound pumpkin.

How are you feeling today? As usual tired. I don't sleep well at night at all. If my anxiety calms down and I can sleep then of course I have to pee. So I feel rather sluggish most days.

Any Symptoms? Terrible heartburn. I have bad acid reflux and up until now it's been o.k. with out any medicine. Just watching what I eat and drinking milk to neutralize the acids has kept it under control. Now it's back with a vengeance. I have even gotten sick from how much acid is in my tummy. It's probably time to take my medicine again which is approved for pregnancy anyways. A weird symptom I have this time is every time I stand up I feel like my insides will fall out. It's rather painful and of course makes me feel like I am going to pee my pants. I am not sure what it is though. I just know when it happens, which is often, it sucks!

Milestones? I was so happy to reach 30 weeks. I feel like once that 3 is in front this is real and the baby is coming soon.

Appointments? I now go to regular appointments every two weeks. My next one is this Thursday. I will also be getting ultrasounds every 3 weeks to monitor babies growth. So on the 7th Pumpkin has a growth check. If he is way too big he might get an early eviction notice. I just don't want it to be too early.

Positive thing about this pregnancy? Giving Aiden a little brother to play with. He knows there is a baby in my belly. He doesn't quit get this baby will come out though and will be his little brother. I hope they love each other very much forever and ever.

Baby names? Dare I say Blake Alexander is the winner? 

Purchases? Let's just say this baby has more clothes then he could ever possibly wear. He also has enough gear to fill a whole house. My mother, grandma, and I may have went a bit overboard. The good thing is everything that had to be bought is. So now I can just shop for things I find cute as I go along.

Darkness Falls

Night time is always the hardest time of day. It's when the world seems to be still and everyone is in a deep, peaceful sleep. This is the hardest, most loneliest time for the bereaved mother. Alone in her thoughts wishing she could just get some rest. Staring at the clock every hour knowing she know only has 6...4...2...0...more hours to sleep before work. Then it's time to get up and push through the day.

I have been having an awful time sleeping again. Not that I ever slept much but there was a few months that I found I was getting a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. Now the thoughts of Gavin and the day he died play over and over in my head so much that I get sick. I can be having a pretty decent night and get to the point where I am drifting off but as soon as I hit the bed I am wide awake. All I can think about is my lifeless baby and trying to revive him. I replay all the thoughts in my head from that day and I can remember every detail. I am one tortured soul right now and am not sure how much longer this can go on. I would like to think that one can not feel such powerful sadness and heartache for the rest of their lives but I am beginning to think that I can. In 10 weeks I will have a little baby who will need a happy mommy. I am hoping the joy of having him here with overpower the repetitive thoughts of my son's death. I don't ever want to forget about Gavin but if I could erase the day he died from my memory I would.

I know a lot of these repetitive thoughts stem from my anxiety not being treated while pregnant. My Dr. is willing to meet me at the hospital once I deliver to start my meds again. I am hoping I won't need them but I am not to proud to admit I do. I know I will never ever stop grieving for my beautiful Gavin but I can't imagine the self torture that's going on right now is a healthy way to grieve. For the rest of my life I will wish Gavin was here, I will talk to him, hold him in my heart and stare helplessly at his pictures. I just do not want to be the most miserable girl on earth anymore. For a while I was able to see a light at the end of the tunnel but that light has faded and I feel so lost.

Don't judge a book by it's cover

I thank God for my family right now. I am blessed to have my mother, father(step but really he is my father), brother, sister and grandmother. They have the best idea (besides Brad) of what I am going through. I can spend time with them knowing if I need to cry I can. People IRL are hard to deal with. They often say things which they think are comforting but to a bereaved mother they sting.  They expect that my wounds have closed and while I still love Gavin I have moved on. No matter how many times you try to express to them that you are still very sad they don't get it and they can't. To them I am working, going places, having a new baby and all that seems to be a sign of moving on.  While I may be able to function better then before I am still grieving the whole time. Believe me I don't want anyone to feel the level of pain a bereaved mother feels. I would rather they think that I am o.k. then to ever have to walk a day in my shoes. It just is pretty lonely here in this bereaved world. I am not the same person and I see life much differently then the normal person.

Going shopping for baby Pumpkin is bittersweet. I find myself drawn to the baby section again which was a place that brought on much grief after the death of my son. I avoided that area of a store like the plague. It was like those baby items were placed there just to bring me pain. The worst was around Christmas time. I should have been buying things for Gavin's 1st Christmas instead I was dreading the holiday that was fast approaching. I had to shop for Aiden though so I drew up some courage and went to brave the crowds. It was what is called "Black Friday" which is the day after Thanksgiving and stores have turned this in to it's own holiday. Everything is on sale and stores open earlier each year. Brad and I went to Toys 'R' Us first. Big mistake. The store was packed and chaotic. I made my way over to Aiden's clothing size whixh was right next to the newborns. At first I was doing o.k. until something that Gavin had caught my eye. That's all it took for me to have a complete meltdown. Amongst all the happy shoppers I stood crying. Some ladies gave me the side eye but probably figured I couldn't find something I wanted and thankfully kept walking.

Now I dart for the baby isle again trying to find whatever it is I think Pumpkin "needs." I still carry the pain in my heart the whole time. I have still started to cry when I come across something that was bought for Gavin. I guess I am so quick to run for the baby things because I never thought I would be there again. My excitement for Pumpkin takes over during those times and helps me through the shopping. I know some find it very hard to shop after a loss for another baby. To me it helps make Pumpkin more real and lets me think of him as a living, breathing baby.

It's crazy the thinking that goes in to simple things such as shopping trips after you lose a child.  A mother can go through her day without thinking twice about many tasks she is doing. The bereaved mother may have to plan a week ahead before being able to enter a grocery store she once went to with her child. I carry Gavin in my heart everywhere I go. To others I am "normal" again and even happy. I know the truth though.