Day 8

Day 8. Jewelery- I have a few pieces that are very special. This piece I hold dear to my heart. My cousin and I were never super close due to our age gap. Once we became FB friends we started to talk often. She is very supportive of me, listens when I need it and always says or  does the kindest things. For what should have been Gavin's 2nd birthday this year I was in the hospital getting that dreaded gallbladder surgery that just about killed me. I was beyond miserable that I could not be at his grave. I did pack his pictures with me though so I could at least stare at his face. Anyways, my cousin didn't call any of us but just got in her car and drove to see me which is a several hour drive, all by her self at night time. Not only that but she gave me this charm for my angel's birthday. On the outside it looks like the Holy Bible but on the inside it's an angel mommy watching over her baby. I picture Gavin as a baby in Heaven still. I feel like he has someone up there taking care of him until I arrive. That angel will be me one day when I am reunited with my baby boy.

Day 7

Day 7. What To Say: Ah now this is where it gets harder. Even after losing Gavin I find I am at a loss for words on what to say to other bereaved moms sometimes. So instead of talking I let them know I am there to listen. That is the best thing you can do for us. Just let us cry, vent, grieve and no matter what we say never suggest counseling!

Day 6

Day 6 What Not To Say- It was really hard to choose just one thing. What I chose irritates me the most. I have had more than I can handle. I had my son die, my health deteriorate, Brad losing his job because of lay offs mores then once (even while I was in labor with Blake), our car break many times, a life threatening surgery and so many more all within a 2 year span. Losing my precious, beautiful son was way more then I could/can handle. think before you speak and if you haven't walked in someone's shoes be careful what you say.

 

Capture Your Grief Days 1-5

I was a bit upset because I had been wanting to do the CarlyMarie Capture Your Grief project but October snuck up on me and I missed day 1. I decided today I am just going to play catch up because I really want to be a part of this. So here are the days I missed. Also here is the link if you want to join too. http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/09/capture-your-grief-this-october-2012-for-pregnancy-infant-loss-awareness-month.html

Day 1. Sunrise-I live in a city so it's hard to get beautiful sunrise shots. Today is a pretty gloomy day too. So the sun didn't even peek out until about 10:00 a.m. So my shot isn't the best "sunrise" shot but it is the sun. I am from the United States and living in NY.



Day 2. Before Loss Self Portrait-This picture is very meaningful. Although it just looks like me standing in a kitchen. I was getting ready to go to a concert with my boyfriend and friends. I was excited, happy and this smile you see is real. This was a carefree girl that when she smiled she meant it. It  is also meaningful because it was the night my angel Gavin was conceived. 

Day 3. After Loss Self Portrait- Close to two months after Gavin died the annual Italian festival was going on. At the time we lived where it was at the bottom of our street. I had always wanted to live close enough to a carnival that I could walk around it everyday. I love to people watch and just be outside in the sun. Go figure the year it happened is the year I lost my son. I did not want to go at all. Previous years I went and ate all an Italian girls favorite food, rode rides and drank wine slushies. This year I wanted to hide in my house. One night my best friend and her boyfriend decided they would drag Brad and I out whether we liked it or not. This is a girl with a heavy heart, broken soul and that smile is fake. I did NOT want a picture taken but my girlfriend insisted.

 


Day 4. Most Treasured Item- I have a few of these but I would have to say Gavin's hand print is the most important. I take it out when I need a good cry and look at each indent, I touch the finger tips and I wish so badly it was his hand, not a clay mold I was holding.

Day 5. Memorial- This is the first charity event/remembrance event my family and I attended. It is called "A Walk To Remember." You want the honest truth? I was so numb at this point I don't remember much of the walk. It is really weird because I have a very sharp memory. The walk took place in October, 4 months after Gavin died. It was sinking in then that my baby wasn't coming back. That this was my life. Instead of attending birthday parties and events with my son, I would be doing them in his honor. Tomorrow (10/07/12) is the walk again. I didn't go last year because it was very close to my due date of my rainbow baby and I was already a mess. I am a little nervous about going tomorrow but I also know I need some healing.

 

Broken

Let me start out with the good things. I have a healthy, beautiful boy who will be turning one next month. Can you believe it? I can't. I know they say "time flies when you are having fun" but this was at jet speed. I still remember his face as they pulled him out and my tears of joy that he was alive. Not that I will ever forget that but it seems like it was only a few months ago, certainly not a year ago. I guess I knew it would go quickly since it seems like just yesterday Aiden was a little toddler and I was pregnant with Gavin. Here we are though it's the final countdown until my baby is no longer counted in months.

I went shopping for Blake (and Aiden too) yesterday since he is forever growing taller. Plus he needed fall clothes because this year we didn't get lucky and have a warm September. Everyone in Carter's was either pregnant or had a very tiny baby. Which is the norm for that store. However lately it has been giving me baby fever. All I could think of is I can't wait until I do this again. I want to have two more babies. (God willing) Two more beautiful babies that will have first teeth, steps, birthdays and days of school. (Not anytime soon but down the road) Just like Blake has and will. Then I went over to Aiden's side of clothes. Which is also where they have the sale racks. As I looked up the preemie clothes caught my eye. Then Gavin and his short life flashed before me. I quickly went to the register, cashed out, got in the car and cried. My tiny baby was that small. My beautiful boy never got to be on the big boy side of the store. My sweet Gavin is gone.

Brad wasn't sure what triggered my meltdown so I told him. I don't think he quite got it but we sat there together before finishing our errands as I got myself together. This is the problem though I can never seem to get myself together these days. At one point I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I had hope that I didn't have to live out the rest of my days is misery. I'm not sure if that is possible anymore. When with family, Blake or friends everything is o.k. It's when I have time to think by myself that I fall apart. Maybe me medication is backfiring on me? Or maybe this is how things will always be.

All I know is this can't go on forever. I have to learn how to pick these pieces back up and even if they are held together with tape and glue, it's better then lying on the floor. Such a crap life the bereaved mother has. I should be totally focused on planning a birthday party and instead I am just trying to make it through each day. I am completely broken and since Gavin will never come back, I have to find another way to fix it.

Blakey Is So Big

In His Lion Hat Made By Gramma

Looking Like A Baby Tourist On Memorial Day

Having Fun At The Fair

At The Carnival Giving A Teethy Grin

Peek-A-Boo

With His Girlfriend

Everyone Has Problems

I have had a shitty time lately. I have been very depressed and anxious. I may need to make some switches at the Dr. or it just may be how I will always feel. Who knows? I mean I don't mope around at all times. I play with my kids, take walks with them (which by the way helped me to lose 61 pounds!), I go places with my family and Brad. During those times I am o.k. It is when I am alone, at work or with out adult interaction I find myself very sad. When I am inside my own head it is a scary, dark place.

It is not just the loss of Gavin that is causing this pain. Two weeks ago we found out my little brother has a hole in his heart. How this was missed for 16 years I am not sure, but it was. My mom got the news while we were at work. She didn't want many people to know so I had to pretty much keep my face turned as the tears streamed down my face. Next week we find out if he can have a plug placed in through his leg or will have open heart surgery. Of course I am praying the latter isn't needed. With today's technologies and the wonderful hospital he is is going to I just know he will be alright no matter what. It's just when you have had a loss, you are in a new reality where you know bad things don't just happen on t.v. shows, movies and the news. A bad thing happened in my home, to my beautiful son. My brother is a healthy, young boy and he will be just fine but it is still scary. I am sad he has to go through a surgery though, that he has to be scared, that my parents have to worry and that we just can't catch a fucking break.

Then this past weekend I went to my best friend's father's benefit. He has stage four brain cancer and although was given a grave diagnosis he is still here 19 months later. Her and I have drifted apart over the years. We still talk every day but don't see each other often. Which is what happens when you grow up and have kids like we do. In June was her son's birthday and the first time I had seen her father pretty much since he was diagnosed. Although he was skinny and didn't look like himself he was walking, talking and having beers with everyone. I have known her for a long time and have always lovingly referred to him as dad. He has always been a generous, proud, hard working, loving, wonderful man. Who has not only taken care of his daughters, wife and grand kids but others in his family and friends as well. Cancer has taken that all away from him. The ability to be the strong man he always was is gone. I remember being in high school and him giving us his credit card to go buy some clothes. Or how he would invite me to family events even if my friend was on vacation. Or how he treated me just like I really was his daughter when ever I was around. Well a few weeks ago he had a surgery to remove one of his tumors. It didn't go well and he got a terrible infection. Something that if by God's grace he lives for a long time will keep on coming back for the rest of his life. My friend has told me he couldn't walk, or barely move or talk on his own but I didn't see it for myself until this weekend. When I walked in to the benefit I saw a once big, tall, strong man, now very small,weak, wheelchair bound, with eyes that couldn't stay open. The first time I gave him a kiss I had to walk away so I could cry a few times in the corner, he didn't know me at first either. The second time I approached him I put my hand on his and said "I love you dad and he said I love you Steph." I then went home and cried myself to sleep. I also prayed long and hard that God could just perform a miracle and give this man his life back. Cancer also took away my great grandfather (my only grandfather in my life) but I thank God didn't have to see him sick. So my memories are of him are of the happy he man he always was. My great grandma is actually still alive and in her 90's.

This week I was talking with a coworker who knew about my brother, I told her about my "dad" and just how I miss my son. Her response was something ignorant and then "You know everyone has problems." She is not the first to say this to me. Oh no she is one of many, so many I can't count. Yes everyone has problems. FIXABLE problems for most. Like if you are in debt, you can get another job, if your car breaks, you can fix it, if you are unhappy at work, you can choose a new career. When your child dies it can not be fixed. Your heart does not mend, no matter how much you beg, plead, cry, scream they don't come back an no matter how much time passes you never ever stop missing them with every fiber of your being. Although you do start to laugh again, have more kids, smile, whatever it is that makes them think you are "fixed" you are not. Us bereaved mother's are broken and desperately trying to put back the pieces.

It seems every time I glue one of those pieces back together, another one falls off. Whoever put this dark cloud over my life can remove it now. I never expect to be myself again but I would like a break from the constant bad news and terrible things that keep on happening.

I miss you so much Gavin and each day I miss you even more. I love you so much my strong, beautiful baby, who should be a toddler right now. What I wouldn't give to hold you one more time. Momma loves you baby boy, I really, really, do. You are my sunshine baby boy and with out you things will never be the same. 

From My Angel

Mama,
I know you're tired and sad, your heart is broke, your mind is mad.
I don't want you to cry anymore because I am in a beautiful place.
Where everything is peaceful and I always get to look down and see your face.
When you cry at night and sing to me
I'm right there holding your hand.
I know you feel alone,
like no one can understand.
There's lot of people that hurt with you
they just don't always show it.
There's lots of people thinking of you
more then you know it.
Don't live your life so hurt
And full of so much pain.
There will come a day when we are together again.
When that day comes
I will be here with my arms open too.
Until that happens just know
I'm always, always with you.

Love,
Gavin   

It was like my hand knew what to write this morning. I didn't have to think at all as the words poured on the page. I've been very sad lately. Thank you baby for this gift.