Mommy & Gavin Forever

My heart aches as Gavin's birthday approaches. It isn't until April 28th but I can't help but think of the fact that I should have an almost two year old. What would my baby look like by now? What words would he say? What would his voice sound like? What would his favorite toys be? Bed time stories? Food?  I don't know the answers to any of these questions and it pains me so.

One question I can answer is: What would my life be like? Happy, Beautiful, Care Free, Normal. Sure I would have the small stresses of life: bills, work, rude people. Those stresses that once seemed so bothersome are now so stupid.

I just want my son back. I want my baby that I had all these hopes and dreams for. For some reason the same day keeps playing in my head. It was a beautiful day out. Gavin and I had been lounging on the couch all day with the windows open. The beautiful smell of spring filled the air. I decided to take a quick walk with my baby before daddy got home. As I took my baby to his room to change him I asked my boy "You will always love mommy right? You won't grow up and get big and leave me?" He smiled and cooed at me. I often make up songs for my babies so I sang " Mommy and Gavin will be best friends forever, best friends forever, best friends forever.."

Now I wish he could grow up, get big and leave the nest someday. Not lie in a grave where I will have to visit him forever.

You have TWO children?

If one more idiotic fool makes a comment involving my son you guys will have to start collecting bail money. A few times recently friends of Brad's have been over to see Blake and hang out. Both asked if we plan on having more kids. To which I responded "Of course I would love more babies, we are just going to take a break for a while.I never thought by 26 I would have two already." Their response? TWO?! What do you mean two?

Brad sees my face turning ten shades of red and gives his friends a quick nudge. They try to recover with "Oh yeah but I meant...." Thankfully for their well being they stopped before saying that they meant living children. Kid you not this has happened twice in the past two weeks and many times before.

I had Gavin, he is my baby. I carried him for 34 weeks, gave birth to him, sat with him in the NICU almost 24 hours a day, I brought him home, I loved him. I LOVE him still. Just because he isn't here on earth anymore doesn't mean he never existed.

Say one of them were to tell me a story of a grandfather that has passed. When they were finished I would look at them and say: What do you mean? You don't have a grandfather?

I guess the memory of Gavin just slipped their minds in that moment but it doesn't make it doesn't make it o.k. to me.I guess as the years pass the memory of Gavin will slip away to others. I will fight that from happening. Gavin is and always will be my baby. He deserves to be remembered no mater how short of a time he was here with us.

To all my bereaved mommas:

A Birth Healing Blessing:

Blessed Sister, beautiful one
with broken wings.
Your journey is a difficult one
that no mother should have to endure.
Your path is steep, rocky and slippery
and your tender heart is in need of gentle healing.

Breathe deeply and know that you are loved.
You are not alone,
though at times, you will feel like a
desolate island of grief
untouchable
distant.
Close your eyes.
Seek the wisdom of women who have walked this well-worn path before you,
before,
and before,
and before yourself were born.
These beautiful ones
with eyes like yours
have shared your pain, and
weathered the storms of loss.

You are not alone (breathe in)
You will go on (breathe out)
Your wings will mend (breathe in)
You are loved (breathe out)
~Mary Burgess

What A Difference A Year Makes

On this day last year I took a test that changed my life. Aunt Flo was due to make her unwanted visit on Valentine's Day. Although I've never had a regular cycle in my life the last few months before February my periods came on the exact day they were supposed to. So I woke up Valentine's day morning thinking come on period, go ahead and ruin my day. All day I felt like it was coming but to my suprise it never came. I wanted to test so badly that night but was afraid of being let down. So I waited.
Two days later on February 16th 2010 I still had not gotten my period. I was super crampy, my boobs hurt like Hell and my hormones were making me a Bitch. All the symptoms of getting a period but also all the signs of pregnancy. My mom knew we were trying. So I pulled her aside at work and told her "I am two days late and either I am getting one Hell of a period or I am having a baby." She told me to go home and test right away.
I was all out of tests since I took so many before in hopes they would be positive. So Brad and I headed to the store while I tried to not get myself excited. We raced home after I purchased three tests. I went straight to the bathroom and took the first one. Usually they take a few minutes to show the results. Not this time. Within about thirty second a big fat plus sign came up on my stick. I screamed with excitement and Brad just smiled so big. After what felt like a lifetime of trying I was finally pregnant. I called my mom right away and then we all cried. Those tears were both excitement and fear.
That moment was bittersweet for me. On one hand I was so excited to have another baby, on the other I was so afraid that I was hurting Gavin. I now believe Gavin sent his brother to me. Now exactly one year later I have another beautiful son. He has helped mend my broken wings. I am so blessed to have him and would be even more blessed if both of my sons were here with me. Blake has not replaced his brother in any way but he has given me a reason to live again.
One year ago today I took one of the most important tests a woman could take and boy am I glad I passed! I love you Blake Alexander.

*Sorry for the poor quality pictures so far. I have had no time to upload and re-size the ones from my camera yet!*

Valentine's Day

Snuggly in his swing

Sleeping Right After Momma's Cuddles

For Us Women With Broken Wings

A Birth Healing Blessing:

Blessed Sister, beautiful one
with broken wings.
Your journey is a difficult one
that no mother should have to endure.
Your path is steep, rocky and slippery
and your tender heart is in need of gentle healing.

Breathe deeply and know that you are loved.
You are not alone,
though at times, you will feel like a
desolate island of grief
untouchable
distant.
Close your eyes.
Seek the wisdom of women who have walked this well-worn path before you,
before,
and before,
and before yourself were born.
These beautiful ones
with eyes like yours
have shared your pain, and
weathered the storms of loss.

You are not alone (breathe in)
You will go on (breathe out)
Your wings will mend (breathe in)
You are loved (breathe out)
~Mary Burgess

I think this poem is beautiful and quite fitting for all of us women with angel babies. I am going back to that stage where I feel very alone. A lot of that comes from the fact that I have two friends who were both pregnant with boys the same time as I was with Gavin. All three boys were born within weeks of each other. Then those same friends got pregnant with boys again while I was expecting Blake. My one friend and I had our babies on the same day and the other just had hers a few weeks ago. I am feeling sad, jealous, angry, distraught, over the fact that they can take pictures of their two boys together and I can't. That their two boys will grow up together, close in age, with a special brotherly bond. Mine won't. Blake will only know what I tell him about Gavin. Of course I am happy for my friends that their children are healthy and thriving. I just don't know why mine can't be too. So I am back to feeling alone, like the only one who has ever walked this path. This poem reminds me I am walking a path behind and in front of many other women just like me.

Where does the time go?

Life is very hectic right now. Between a 3 month old baby, a 3 year old step son and working 4 days a week, I have no time for myself. Brad works 6-7 days a week and many of those are doubles so I really am all alone. I'm not complaining but I miss being able to blog. I also miss reading all of your stories and seeing how you are all doing.

Instead of writing catch up posts I am going to start from here. I will add a little from things that have passed too but it will be easier if I start from today and go forward. Blake is now 14 weeks old. It feels like just yesterday I had him. I wish I could swaddle him up and he wouldn't grow but we all know that isn't possible. He is one of the happiest babies I have ever seen. He is always smiling, cooing and make this loving noise that sounds like "gooooo", that's when you know he is happy with you. He is very strong and tries to sit up all on his own when in the boppy. He then gets frustrated when he can't and cries. So I give him a little help and he is so proud of himself. He can bat at and hold his toys. He has two favorite toys one is a froggy that has legs you can chew on and rattles when you shake it. Another is something meant for older children (about 9 months) but I just had to get it. It's a Fisher Price Dog that stand up and sings. His ears go up, he claps his hands and shakes from side to side. He also says many phrases like "Baby is so big." It's always my favorite when little kids learn how to hold their arms up proudly when you say they are so big.

Christmas was a tough day for me.Last year I didn't really celebrate Christmas.I didn't decorate, watch Christmas movies, or really do much of anything. I cried a lot that day. I cried a lot this year too. I was happy to have my beautiful son to share it with and at the same time I was sad to not be able to share it with his beautiful brother. Holidays are always going to suck I think. For the sake of Blake I will never make it known that mommy is sad on a holiday. When he is older I am going to start some sort of tradition where we include Gavin in our festivities. Whether it be writing a note on a balloon to him,decorating his grave together, or donating in his memory. Whatever it is I will make sure Gavin's memory is always kept alive.

Now I am off to work on a few hours of sleep. Some little stinker thought playtime was 4 am. He is lucky he is so cute. Today should be fun. Now for some pictures. Sorry not all are the best quality. These are from my phone, I haven't uploaded my camera ones yet. In some of the pictures he was moving also.

Blake in one of his Christmas Outfits.

Hugh Hefner Blake

Baby Pimp Blake

Blake and I on New Years Day also my bday. He wasn't thrilled for the picture.

My Silly Man

Just Woke Up

Another Christmas Outfit

Me pretending he was opening his gifts. This is the dog I was talking about.

I love his smile

Until We Meet Again

I'm going to start writing poems again. I want to express my love, sorrow, happiness and pain for my boys through words. Today I am going to cheat and share a quote I really like by an unknown author.

"They say that time in Heaven is compared to "the blink of an eye" for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is doing that when he looks behind him, I'll already be there."

I want more then anything for this to be true. I hope by the time my sweet angel looks for me I will be right there by his side. <3 Love you Gavin. Each day I think of you and I hope you know that my sweet boy.