What A Difference A Year Makes

On this day last year I took a test that changed my life. Aunt Flo was due to make her unwanted visit on Valentine's Day. Although I've never had a regular cycle in my life the last few months before February my periods came on the exact day they were supposed to. So I woke up Valentine's day morning thinking come on period, go ahead and ruin my day. All day I felt like it was coming but to my suprise it never came. I wanted to test so badly that night but was afraid of being let down. So I waited.
Two days later on February 16th 2010 I still had not gotten my period. I was super crampy, my boobs hurt like Hell and my hormones were making me a Bitch. All the symptoms of getting a period but also all the signs of pregnancy. My mom knew we were trying. So I pulled her aside at work and told her "I am two days late and either I am getting one Hell of a period or I am having a baby." She told me to go home and test right away.
I was all out of tests since I took so many before in hopes they would be positive. So Brad and I headed to the store while I tried to not get myself excited. We raced home after I purchased three tests. I went straight to the bathroom and took the first one. Usually they take a few minutes to show the results. Not this time. Within about thirty second a big fat plus sign came up on my stick. I screamed with excitement and Brad just smiled so big. After what felt like a lifetime of trying I was finally pregnant. I called my mom right away and then we all cried. Those tears were both excitement and fear.
That moment was bittersweet for me. On one hand I was so excited to have another baby, on the other I was so afraid that I was hurting Gavin. I now believe Gavin sent his brother to me. Now exactly one year later I have another beautiful son. He has helped mend my broken wings. I am so blessed to have him and would be even more blessed if both of my sons were here with me. Blake has not replaced his brother in any way but he has given me a reason to live again.
One year ago today I took one of the most important tests a woman could take and boy am I glad I passed! I love you Blake Alexander.

*Sorry for the poor quality pictures so far. I have had no time to upload and re-size the ones from my camera yet!*

Valentine's Day

Snuggly in his swing

Sleeping Right After Momma's Cuddles

For Us Women With Broken Wings

A Birth Healing Blessing:

Blessed Sister, beautiful one
with broken wings.
Your journey is a difficult one
that no mother should have to endure.
Your path is steep, rocky and slippery
and your tender heart is in need of gentle healing.

Breathe deeply and know that you are loved.
You are not alone,
though at times, you will feel like a
desolate island of grief
untouchable
distant.
Close your eyes.
Seek the wisdom of women who have walked this well-worn path before you,
before,
and before,
and before yourself were born.
These beautiful ones
with eyes like yours
have shared your pain, and
weathered the storms of loss.

You are not alone (breathe in)
You will go on (breathe out)
Your wings will mend (breathe in)
You are loved (breathe out)
~Mary Burgess

I think this poem is beautiful and quite fitting for all of us women with angel babies. I am going back to that stage where I feel very alone. A lot of that comes from the fact that I have two friends who were both pregnant with boys the same time as I was with Gavin. All three boys were born within weeks of each other. Then those same friends got pregnant with boys again while I was expecting Blake. My one friend and I had our babies on the same day and the other just had hers a few weeks ago. I am feeling sad, jealous, angry, distraught, over the fact that they can take pictures of their two boys together and I can't. That their two boys will grow up together, close in age, with a special brotherly bond. Mine won't. Blake will only know what I tell him about Gavin. Of course I am happy for my friends that their children are healthy and thriving. I just don't know why mine can't be too. So I am back to feeling alone, like the only one who has ever walked this path. This poem reminds me I am walking a path behind and in front of many other women just like me.

Where does the time go?

Life is very hectic right now. Between a 3 month old baby, a 3 year old step son and working 4 days a week, I have no time for myself. Brad works 6-7 days a week and many of those are doubles so I really am all alone. I'm not complaining but I miss being able to blog. I also miss reading all of your stories and seeing how you are all doing.

Instead of writing catch up posts I am going to start from here. I will add a little from things that have passed too but it will be easier if I start from today and go forward. Blake is now 14 weeks old. It feels like just yesterday I had him. I wish I could swaddle him up and he wouldn't grow but we all know that isn't possible. He is one of the happiest babies I have ever seen. He is always smiling, cooing and make this loving noise that sounds like "gooooo", that's when you know he is happy with you. He is very strong and tries to sit up all on his own when in the boppy. He then gets frustrated when he can't and cries. So I give him a little help and he is so proud of himself. He can bat at and hold his toys. He has two favorite toys one is a froggy that has legs you can chew on and rattles when you shake it. Another is something meant for older children (about 9 months) but I just had to get it. It's a Fisher Price Dog that stand up and sings. His ears go up, he claps his hands and shakes from side to side. He also says many phrases like "Baby is so big." It's always my favorite when little kids learn how to hold their arms up proudly when you say they are so big.

Christmas was a tough day for me.Last year I didn't really celebrate Christmas.I didn't decorate, watch Christmas movies, or really do much of anything. I cried a lot that day. I cried a lot this year too. I was happy to have my beautiful son to share it with and at the same time I was sad to not be able to share it with his beautiful brother. Holidays are always going to suck I think. For the sake of Blake I will never make it known that mommy is sad on a holiday. When he is older I am going to start some sort of tradition where we include Gavin in our festivities. Whether it be writing a note on a balloon to him,decorating his grave together, or donating in his memory. Whatever it is I will make sure Gavin's memory is always kept alive.

Now I am off to work on a few hours of sleep. Some little stinker thought playtime was 4 am. He is lucky he is so cute. Today should be fun. Now for some pictures. Sorry not all are the best quality. These are from my phone, I haven't uploaded my camera ones yet. In some of the pictures he was moving also.

Blake in one of his Christmas Outfits.

Hugh Hefner Blake

Baby Pimp Blake

Blake and I on New Years Day also my bday. He wasn't thrilled for the picture.

My Silly Man

Just Woke Up

Another Christmas Outfit

Me pretending he was opening his gifts. This is the dog I was talking about.

I love his smile

Until We Meet Again

I'm going to start writing poems again. I want to express my love, sorrow, happiness and pain for my boys through words. Today I am going to cheat and share a quote I really like by an unknown author.

"They say that time in Heaven is compared to "the blink of an eye" for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is doing that when he looks behind him, I'll already be there."

I want more then anything for this to be true. I hope by the time my sweet angel looks for me I will be right there by his side. <3 Love you Gavin. Each day I think of you and I hope you know that my sweet boy.

Blake's Hospital Scare

The Monday before Thanksgiving Blake woke up screaming. He was up all night and inconsolable. At about 6 am he finally fell back asleep but that was short lived. At this point he started feeling hot so I took his temperature, it was 99.9. Which I know isn't very high but I knew something wasn't right. I called my grandma and asked her to come over. I then called my pediatrician but learned she was on vacation. So my only option was to bring him to the nurse practitioner who I already knew was a complete idiot. Blake and I go to the same doctor's office. When my doctor was out I had to see that N.P. before and she was a real jerk.

I thought maybe she would be better with babies and after all I had to take him somewhere. At the doctor's office my poor baby screamed the whole time. He was obviously in pain, any person with half a brain could tell that. So in comes Nurse jackass. She takes Blake's temperature which was 100.1 now, looks him over briefly and then tells me "Oh he's fine. I think he's just a fussy baby." Now she knows about Gavin's death so I think she automatically dismissed me as an overly nervous mother. I explained to her that Blake is not a fussy baby, in fact he's a happy baby and I know something is wrong. I pleaded with her to look him over more but she told me to go home and call back if the fever got any higher.

When I got home I gave Blake a cool bath, put him in just a onesie and rocked him back to sleep. As he was sleeping I felt him getting warmer and warmer. I called Brad to take his temp and as I watched it rise past 102 and end a little over 103 I almost threw up. I called me mom who rushed over and her best friend who is a nurse. I didn't want to take him to the hospital. Not because I am selfish but because I was afraid he wouldn't come back out. Once my mom's friend told me to take him we immediately packed his stuff and left.

In the exam room I had to sit there helpless as they poked and prodded at my baby. I was crying so hard I could barely speak but had to pull it together to answer the nurses questions. The only thing that calmed me down was Blake was fascinated by the bright light. He stopped crying and was cooing at it. Next the nurses told me we needed to go to the PICU for some testing. They sat us in a room and told me my son would need a full workup which included a spinal tap. I thought I would die right then. I cried so hard I almost puked. I squeezed my son and kept telling Brad and my mom let's just run out of there. All I kept picturing was my dying son Gavin on his hospital bed. I am not quite sure how I survived Gavin's death but surely I would not survive if it happened again.

Luckily I had really amazing doctors and nurses. As I held Blake tight the doctor asked me if I was religious. When I said yes she asked if we could pray together. She hugged Blake and I as she said a prayer that he would be o.k. Then they took Blake into the room where he would get all his tests done. I wanted to go but they warned me not to. So instead I sat outside the door hysterical, helpless as my son cried harder then he ever had before.

While in the hospital Blake was given two kinds of antibiotics that would basically kill anything he might have. We were there for four days and I didn't sleep more then a few minutes at a time when others were there. My baby was sick and he needed his mama's snuggles. Thursday morning was Thanksgiving. I really wanted to be out for Blake's first holiday. Most importantly I wanted to know he was healthy. It seemed forever for the Dr. to come in. When he did he gave us the most wonderful news. Blake did not have anything serious just a little virus. He then gave us the o.k. to go home and spend the holiday with our family.

Thanksgiving was very special this year. Not only did I have Blake to celebrate with but he was healthy too! I think Gavin watched out for his brother those few days. Actually I know he is always watching out for him. Blake is a lucky boy he has the most beautiful guardian angel in the world.

My heart still hurts for Gavin everyday and it hurts even more that Blake will never know his brother. I cam acorss this quote the other day and it brought me some comfort. I hope it does the same for all you other bereaved parents.

They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye'
for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child
running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and
butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is
doing that when he looks behind him, I'll already be there."

 

 

 

Blake's Homecoming and 1st Halloween

Ok I hope I'm not killing you guys with these pictures! If I am let me know. I just can't get enough of my little mansie so I take a ton of pictures. I wanted to pop in and share Blake's first days at home/first Halloween.

Before we brought Blake home I was very curious about how Aiden would react to him. Some days Aiden would rub and kiss my belly, or put his lips to my bump and say "Hi Baby!" Others he would tell me "No baby brother, that's Aiden's room!" (talking about the nursery, I guess he felt entitled to 2 rooms) So I wasn't quite sure how Aiden would feel now that he wasn't the baby of the house. He loved Gavin but was only a baby himself then. He also really couldn't take at that point. He did always kiss and hug Gavin. Every morning when I took him out of his crib he'd run to the bassinet, look over the side and yell "Baby!" When Gavin died Aiden was too small to understand. He would still run around the house looking for him. I cried so hard wondering what Aiden was thinking. I hoped Aiden would love Blake just like he did Gavin.

My hopes were right because Aiden loved Blake right from the start. As soon as he was dropped off he ran in to the house full of excitement. He was screaming "Where's my baby?" He then came over to me and said "Let me hold my baby." He kissed him all over and kept calling him "Aiden's baby." He's such a great big brother. Whenever Blake cries he drops what he's doing, runs over, rubs Blake's head and whispers to him "Don't cry Lake, Don't cry baby." He can't say his B's too good yet so he calls him Lake instead.

Brad and I have been doing better then I expected. We are nervous parents but not psychotic like I thought we would be. I actually fall asleep when Blake does. Although I will admit I spend a lot of time watching him breathe or putting my hand on his chest. He's such a good baby and I'm so in love with him. Very strong and smart too. The one picture shows him looking at his light up toy at only a few days old. He's also been able to lift and turn his head from the start.

For Halloween Blake was a puppy. I mostly dressed him up to take pictures. We didn't go anywhere with him since he was still too young. So we stayed home, took pictures, and handed out candy together. All the trick or treaters thought he was the cutest thing. Who could blame them?!

I can't believe how much Gavin and Blake look/act alike. When my 12 year old sister saw Blake for the first time she said "They look the same! I think Gavin came back." She's a very smart little girl. She's always believed Gavin's spirit would come back to us. Like the rest of us she misses my sweet Gavin very much. If you look at the last picture you can see the resemblance. Blake is in the brown outfit and Gavin is in the lower left hand corner. I cried when I took that picture and Blake posed just like his brother.

Sorry for the long winded post. I have a lot to catch up.

*Michelle- Thanks for your number hunny! I will be in touch. I wish you could meet Blake. I would let you hold him all you want!*

Blake Alexander

I'm so sorry I haven't posted in so long. I have so much to share about my amazing boy. I will start with my birth story.
On October 17th I had an appointment with my OB. I knew we were going to talk induction since I was retaining a lot of water which was causing extreme swelling. Every week before I was not dialated and baby was not engaged. The night before that appointment I was having a ton of contractions and was hoping that meant progress. Those contractions did what they were supposed to because finally I was 3cm and baby was in the right position to be born. I thought my OB would schedule the induction for my due date which was the following Monday. Instead he looked at me and said "You're having this baby tomorrow, are you ready?" He then stripped my membranes and called the hospital to set everything up.
I was so excited and nervous at the same time. I was huge, uncomfortable and my body was more then ready. Now I just had to mentally prepare myself and pray for a smooth labor. All that day I had painful, close contractions. Being the stubborn girl I am I tried to ignore them and finish some last minute things. When they got so bad I couldn't talk through them, I decided to call my OB. He instructed me to go to the hospital that night. When I got there of course things started to slow down. The nurses gave me the option of going home for the night so I took it.
Excitement kept me up all night. My house got a good scrub down and I got no sleep. At 5am the contractions were back in full force. After a shower and some phone calls we were off to the hospital. This time I wasn't leaving without a baby.
At the hospital the nurses checked me and I was now dilated to a 4. My body was going in to labor on it's own but they still "induced" me to move things along. Pitocin was then started and boy did it work. I was in a ton of pain and contractions were coming back to back. Thankfully my amazing midwife helped me through the pain. The pressure eventually got to be too much so she broke my water at about 10 am. At that time it was also discovered I had blood in my urine due to my kidneys acting up. Which explained why I was feeling so crappy. At about 12 pm I had all that I could take and was ready for an epidural. This time it worked unlike during labor with Gavin. Speaking of Gavin he's all I thought about. When my midwife told me to picture a happy time all I could picture was him. I cried very hard wishing my baby was here and going to meet his brother soon. She probably thought those tears were from pain but really they were for the life I wished to have.
Since Pitocin was being administered monitors had to be placed internally to better track Blake. The outside ones weren't staying on because my crazy boy was kicking them off. Internal monitors suck and are very uncomfortable. So when they asked to put in another one to track contractions I put up a fight. My midwife kept telling me the monitor was very necessary and I needed to let them insert it. Just then the nurse decided to check me. She all of a sudden shouted "Bloody show! You're at a 10 and ready to push." The problem with that was my epidural was just topped off and this time was very strong. I couldn't feel anything, how could I push? I asked my nurse that very question and she reassured me I could still do it. In rushed some students who were there to observe and my midwife began to prepare everything for Blake's arrival. My mom also come back in since I wanted her there.
With the help of the students, my mom and the nurse my legs were lifted and I pushed. Brad stood off to the side but still watching. He was shaking too much to really help. I don't know how I was pushing since I couldn't feel what was going on. I was doing it though and a good job too, according to my midwife. I felt so helpless in that moment since I couldn't even hold up my own legs. It only took a few pushes and about 20 minutes before Blake was born. I didn't tear at all either which is always a good thing. My midwife said I did have a "scratch" so she gave me a few stitches just to be safe.
When they put that beautiful baby on my chest I burst in to tears. So did Brad and my mom. These were happy tears of course that our beautiful, healthy baby was here. His cries were the most beautiful music. The students were even emotional and kept thanking me for letting them be there. They said I made them excited to have kids one day.
Blake did have a little trouble breathing at first. Which of course scared the crap out of Brad and I. Thankfully it was no big deal and he only had to be watched in the nursery for a few hours. The entire hospital stay I didn't even really take advantage of the nurses. I was so in love with Blake that he stayed with me almost the entire time. I only slept a few hours a night in between late night feedings. It felt so good to have him with me and not have to visit him in the NICU. It felt even better when I got to leave the hospital at the same time as my baby. Which almost didn't happen since Blake looked a little jaundice the last day and had to stay one more night. Thankfully the nurses knew about Gavin and how I didn't want to leave my baby there. They talked to their manager who let me stay an extra night although I was already discharged. I really got great care this time around.
So here he is Blake Alexander born at 3:05 pm on October 18th weighing 7 lbs 13 oz ad 21" long. I have a lot to fill in and my next post will tell all about his first month on earth. I hope you enjoy his hospital pictures and there are many more pictures to come.