Here Comes The Hurtful Days...

...I mean Holidays.

Let me start out by sending love to all my grieving parents. I know how hard this time of year is.

First the hard days start (for my anyways) with Halloween. I am sure I have told this story on here before. I will tell it again anyways. It was just a few weeks shy of Halloween when Brad and I found out we were expecting Gavin. I was nervous, excited and filled with many emotions. I wanted to call my mom right away and tell her. She is my best friend and I tell her everything. I wanted to let it all absorb in first though too. It killed me every time I talked to her to not say anything. A week later we took my step son to a pumpkin patch and to one of our favorite diner's after. That diner is next door to where I later had my baby shower, a beautiful Hall named Michael's.

As we ate I watched how much joy my step son brought to my family. I couldn't wait any longer to tell them we would now have another baby to love on. I just wasn't sure how. We went back to my parent's after lunch and I grinned stupidly while thinking of my secret. My mom finally said "What's up with you? Tell me?" I said "How about you guess?" She said some silly things and then said "You're pregnant!?" I blurted out "Yes." It felt so good to finally let her know. She cried and hugged me. Then told my step-dad who got overwhelmed and puked. He apologized after and we laughed at him. He said he was very excited but that caught him off guard. Next we told my brother and sister who were so thrilled to have a niece or nephew on the way.

Usually for Halloween I would be out somewhere drinking, dancing and dressed like some skanky version of a girl from a fairy tale. That year I stayed home, handed out candy and talked to the tiny baby in my belly.

Never would I have thought that would be my baby's only Halloween.

I held up appearances this year and got Blake all excited for the first year that he sort of understood what was going on. I had a great time with my little family and friends. My mind couldn't help but wonder how different things would be if my sweet boy were here.

Now for your viewing pleasure, here is my little Frankenstein:

Back To Basics

Hello All,

I know, I know I have neglected my blog for much too long. So let's play catch up, shall we? I now as of October 18th have a 2 year old! That's right my baby Blakey is 2 years old. When the Hell did that happen? He is a busy, loveable, talkative, happy, smart, sweet, momma's boy. As I write this he is laying on my leg in fact. I am so grateful for him every day and am amazed at all the things he does.

The terrible 2's have hit us months ago though. I can't keep up with this kid to save my life. He's either flushing things down the potty, cracking eggs on the floor, climbing on the table or plotting his next move. I SHOULD be skinny by now.

We have also been doing lots of fun fall activities. Going apple picking, to pumpkin patches and playing outside before the weather turns freezing (which today it is). Blake is going to be Frankenstein for Halloween. He makes a cute one too. He got to wear his costume to church for a Halloween party today.

Last Saturday was his Birthday Party. He had a SpongeBob themed party. I might have overdid it with the gift bags and decorations but you only turn 2 once right? Only suck of the day is the large amount of people who ditched. Really pisses me off because I gave them all several out before I bought party favors and while I could still change the food/cake.Every single one of them insisted on how they were coming up until the party. Then an hour after the party started I had to call THEM. I got the same lame excuses that were clearly made up. Those people are now blacklisted. I think it's pretty ridiculous to hurt a 2 year olds feelings but ditching his party. What can you do though?

I think I am going to write a book on party manners. People need to realize a lot of money and planning is spent. When you ditch just for the heck of it you are putting the host out.

All in all Blake had a great time, got a ton of cool gifts and his happiness is all that matters.

Change of subject now. Important change. As I am sure you all know it is baby and infant loss awareness month. I have been posting things on my FB and lighting candles for all of our angels. This month gets hard for me because I wish I didn't have to be a statistic. I wish I could go on about my naive way of life and live it up with my two boys by myself.

Here:s a funny story about Gavin:

The first time the nurse let Brad and I change him in the NICU it was a disaster. It was hard because he was so small and attached to so many things. I was trying my best to get the new diaper on as fast as possible. Then it happened. Explosive, think, brown meconium poop, everywhere!!! Poor baby it was on his head, our clothes, the pic lines, everything. We finally did get him cleaned up and in a fresh new diaper though. I would give anything to have more memories with him.

Love you Gavin Alexander, forever and always.

Hello Old Friends

It has been way too long. I have been crazy busy between work and my main job being a mommy to a toddler. Life has been going as good as to be expected. I have my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days. Then I have days where I feel like a person again. My laugh and good spirit has come back. Blake has played a big part in that. He is so happy and brings much joy. I am truly blessed to have him in my life. I miss Gavin every single day still and always will. Sometimes the pain is just as overwhelming as the day I said goodbye to my sweet boy.

Recently I made a revelation though. Although I miss my boy with all of my heart I realized I was projecting other issues on to his passing. I am learning through counseling to confront those issues and it has been a great help. I know now that other things that were making me miserable were intensified by losing my sweet boy. All I can do is take each day step by step and handle whatever is thrown at me the best I can. I still will have my breakdowns but am able to recover from them quicker.

As much as I wish I didn't have to walk this path, I don't have any other chance. Gavin is walking beside me with each step I take. I feel him all around me. I hope all my other grieving mommas are doing the best they can, remember that's all we can do. Just wanted to write a quick entry. I will be back asap to write a longer one. Much love to you all. XOXO

Blakey and His Rides!

Searching For Stephanie

When I was in my teens and twenties I was a happy girl. The life of the party. Out every weekend, hitting up all the music festivals, art shows, club nights, events in Toronto and patiently waiting for the weekend where I could let loose and dance my cares away to my favorite DJ.

As I got to be about 23 I started to get burned out on that life. My heart was set on settling down and becoming a mom. When I went shopping I was drawn to to the baby clothes. Names of future children passed through my head as I pictured them in those adorable outfits. Since I was a small girl all I wanted to be was a mom. I have always had a lot of love and patience for children that others took notice to. I loved babysitting and helping out with my younger siblings. The innocence of the young and purity of their hearts captivated me. I always knew I would be a mom.

.....Never in my worst nightmare did I think I would be a bereaved mom. I will say I did know something in my life wouldn't go as planned. I constantly had nightmares, many of them involved the death of my mother. I would wake up, tears streaming down my face, sometimes my own screams would actually make me jump out of bed. Who knows if they had any connection or were trying to warn me of Gavin's death but they were awful. Not as awful of what was to come of course.

Now here I am still in my twenties. Long gone are the days of being the life of the party, the weekend trips and the countless festivals. Long gone are the dreams of having the perfect life, with all of my kids and I.

Don't get me wrong Blake brings me immense joy. I don't know what I would do with out him.

I just want Stephanie back. That happy girl people loved to be around. The one always pulling pranks, telling jokes and making others smile. I miss her so very much. I know a lot of other people do too as I have been told numerous times. I've come to terms with the fact that she is not coming back. I just wish everyone else would...

<3 Gavin <3

What Ifs and Whys?

Today is a what if  and why kind of day. The kind where I say what if Gavin had lived. Why does this have to be my life? I started going to therapy. My therapist is VERY religious. I have struggled with that part since Gavin died. Do I believe in God still? Yes. Am I angry with him? Yes. Do I realize my anger may be misplaced and it may be time to let go? Kind of.

My therapist has been working with me on not being angry with God and the Dr's,/Nurses who caused me all this pain. He wants me to give my pain and anger up to God. He has not had a child die. He does not realize I can sit in his office and hold his hand, pray, while agreeing I am going to give that anger away. Then then next day I see my friend with her two kids the ages mine should be and that anger takes over me faster then I can handle. He has asked if I have sought legal help. Which yes, at one point I did. Once I got in to it with my lawyer and realized all it entailed I stopped answering his emails. I didn't want to be badgered with questions. I wanted answers. I didn't want a monetary reward. I wanted to look those "medical professionals" in the face and let them know how they took my life away. How their carelessness left a broken family behind. How not only do Brad and I suffer but my entire family who loved Gavin so much. Who prepared for his birth since the day they found out I was pregnant, who loved him before we knew him, who sat by him every single day and night in the NICU. A mother who never put her baby down was know left with a broken heart and empty arms.

What if  the first Dr listened to me when I said I was going in to labor early. Maybe I would have never had to. Or when I begged for a c-section my son wouldn't have swallowed his meconium. Maybe he wouldn't have been in the NICU long. He wouldn't have caught any diseases and he would be running around right now like he should be. Like other mothers get to experience. Instead he never saw two months and I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I am mad. Today I am having one of those life fucking sucks days.

That's right I fucking hate this life. I want my old one back. It may not have been perfect but there wasn't pain and misery beyond my control. If something was wrong I could fix it. I don't mean I want to have never had Gavin. I would never take that back. I just want to go back knowing what I know now and save him. I want my baby here and I deserve that.

I guess I thought I came such a long way after my last session and today I feel like absolute shit. Will the rest of my life be this way? Why do I have to have this life? After my first session that is all I did was cry to my family uncontrollably. Asking why did this have to be MY life? No one has an answer for that. I can not do this much longer. I am regressing terribly but not letting anyone know.

I just have to come to terms with this is my life and figure out how do I go on the next X amount of years while staying sane? I miss my baby bad today. Today is a shit day.

Absentee Stephanie

Sorry I am no good at this blogging anymore. I always mean to but my time is stretched so thin not much of it is for myself to get deep in to thought.

I did blog on Blake's birthday but didn't recognize it properly. On October 18th Blake turned one year old! I have to admit the doom and gloom part of myself never thought it would come. The other part of me thought of course it would but I didn't want my baby to grow up. He is now 14 months old and busy, busy, busy! He says a lot of words, mimics things you say and is mostly walking now. Sometimes he realizes his better escape plan is to crawl so he reverts back to that. I am sad that he is no longer my tiny little squishy baby but so happy to have seen him celebrate a birthday and learn new things each day. He is also still a very happy baby who loves to dance, "sing" and watch SpongeBob Square Pants. (His brother got him hooked what can I do?) Overall Blake is in good health, active, tall, thin and has helped me to return to that happy girl I once was.